La Liga Loca

La Liga Loca's New Home

2008-02-01T16:47:00.000+01:00

After two years and literally dozens of hits, La Liga Loca has moved to a brand new footballing bosom...the world's greatest magazine, FourFourTwo. Click here as the adventure continues and add the link into your bestest favourites....

As ever, to contact the blog, just email laligaloca@yahoo.co.uk

Barça Back Out of Iberian Battle

2008-01-30T11:02:00.000+01:00

With Frank Rijkaard having waved a big white flag of surrender on the title race with his rather defeatist, "it seems that no-one can beat Real Madrid," comment, it's time for everyone to work out how they are going to pass the next four months or so, with only the plight of Valencia for entertainment.

'La Liga Loca' has got hold of 'Heroes' at last, is a bit behind on the ongoing adventures of Jack Bauer and has never seen 'Prison Break', so it is all sorted until summer.

'Sport' has taken to printing emails from irate readers - those who can send emails in between the powercuts attacking the city - across its opening pages to send a powerful message to those running the Kingdom of Catalunya.

"There is a complete lack of application from some players," grumbles Oscar Senén. "The team needs solutions and Rijkaard has none," declares Mercedes Gallego, "a fan and a member," who will probably find out she isn't one, once Joan Laporta tracks her down on his presidential database.

A bit further along inside the paper, Joan Batile declares in an editorial that, "last year, the bosses watched the side on teletext and never watched them in person as they could see that Barcelona were on top."

Not anymore, he reports, guessing that they are still tuning into "Look Who's Dancing!" on match nights.

'El Mundo Deportivo' are continuing to show an admirable faith in Ronaldinho's abilities by trumpeting the Brazilian's fiftieth return to training, this season.

"He's smiling!" they declare on the front page, hoping his big happy grin will be enough to shut out Villarreal, on Thursday.

Carles Puyol, for one, is delighted to see his team-mate back having grown tired of Citizen Oleguer's ongoing ruminations on whether the French rogue trader is a hero of the people or capitalism's pig dog. "He can bring back the joy we are missing," pontificated the permed one.

'Marca' were feeling very pleased with themselves indeed on Wednesday, having secured an interview with Zizou. Despite offering the fantastic Frenchman with their cheap and tatty all round god award, Zidane still gave them an interview. Once he had wiped away his tears, or course.

"This means a lot to me," claimed the thunderous thug. "Then there was a silence and you could see Zidane was very emotional," claimed 'Marca'.

The paper splashed the headline, "I see Madrid as European Champions!" as Zizou's big prediction. "I don't just see Madrid as European Champions. There are other teams, too...like Manchester United," was what the geriatric genius actually said.

Those non-Roberto Gómez fans may skip this section, but today's ranting ruminations from the paper's chief jester concern Real Madrid's lack of attendance at a local trade fair - a trade fair where he suggests Iker Casillas should be standing next to a model of the Bernabeu. Instead of lying on a bed with Eva González counting his money.

"When Jesus Gil was president of Atlético Madrid and mayor of Marbella, the whole squad went," boasted Gómez neatly side-stepping the fact that Gil stole tax payer's money from the people of Marbella to fund his pet club and would have gone to prison for it, has he not keeled over with a heart attack just before.

Losing two matches in a row constitutes a crisis here in Spain, so Atlético Madrid's three defeats on the trot signifies a full on CRISIS! in the papers. There are no words in Spanish to describe Valencia's slump.

The two sides face eachother in the Vicente Calderón, on Wednesday night, in the second leg of their Copa del Rey quarter final clash. And 'La Liga Loca' will be there to watch the footballing equivalent of Ivan de la Peña and Pedro Munitis fighting over a comb.

Valencia have a 1-0 advantage and despite the absence of Vicente - who would probably have played in goal - and Silva, central defence - Ronald Koeman is a chipper mood. "We are two victories away from being able to win a title!" announced the doomed Dutchman.

Getafe travel to Mallorca with a 1-0 advantage with housewife's favourite, Michael Laudrup reckoning that, "one goal would be enough." Sounds like a fun night in store at the Ono Estadi.

Has Cuco's Cookie Crumbled?

2008-01-29T10:51:00.000+01:00

As expected, the Sevilla v Osasuna post match mayhem has caused more foul-smelling fallout than a dozen rumbling Russian reactors blowing their tops.

But it is not the water throwing, the neck grabbing or police punching that has caused all the to-do but the very, very alleged accusation from a Sevilla blogger that Cuco 'the Hulk' Ziganda had yelled something very unsavoury about Antonio Puerta, during the match.

"If I did say this, then I'll retire," said the vein-throbbing Osasuna coach, who advised that the whole matter was in the hands of his lawyers who are considering suing the author of the original allegation.

Naturally, everyone and everybody involved in the matter - and, of course, those with no connection whatsoever - have thrown their hot-tempered hats into the footballing ring of fire.

"Ziganda is a gentleman, not like some of those in Sevilla," claimed Navarre's regional president, Miguel Sanz, poking his nose in where it really wasn't wanted.

Osasuna pressie, Patxi Izco - Basque scrabble must see some high scoring scorchers - has gone on the offensive and brought up the terrible memory of last season's UEFA cup match against Sevilla.

Izco recalls with a sob and a shudder in AS that he and his delegates were forced to sit in row three of the Pizjuán presidential balcony and not the first. "It was offensive," stuttered the traumatised titan, who must still be taking counselling sessions to get over the experience, the poor baby.

A brand new week means a brand new round of weird wackiness at Valencia - now officially the worst club in the city and probably the whole world when looking at recent results.

El Mundo and AS write that Juan Bautista Soler - a man unable to attend Mestalla on doctor's orders - was on the brink of resigning after the Villarreal defeat, last weekend.

But instead of the board telling Daddy's boy to bugger off, they persuaded him to stay. And this is why Soler's was in attendance at a meeting on Monday to decide the fate of Ronald Koeman.

Although the club's spokesman, Rafa Solem, claimed that "we have total confidence in the coach," Marca reckon that if Valencia don't pull off a decent result against Atlético Madrid in the cup on Wednesday and Valladolid in the league on Sunday, then Koeman's hook will be well and truly slung.

Seeing as the Dutchman was handed a contract till 2010, it is unlikely that he will be that bothered should it come to pass.

There was fighting talk from the players - again - with Raul Albiol declaring that it is 'madness' to talk about relegation but that the team needs to be "practical and forget about nice football." La Liga Loca is already looking forward to its trip to the Calderón on Wednesday night.

Tuesday sees Marca diving into the murky world of Spanish politics with what will be an entertainingly embittered general election just around the corner. Roberto Gomez, for one, has declared that he is scribbling his X in the box marked Mariano Rajoy, the conservative opposition leader, on March 9th.

And the reason why the bearded Galician has won over Gomez' political heart is because Rajoy "supports Deportivo but the team he really loves is Real Madrid," unlike Zapatero who has a fondness for Barcelona but "clearly likes sport, but nothing more."

More importantly for Gomez, the PP primero can also help get him his lucrative old weekly chat show gig back, if he gets into power. "Rajoy reads Marca and would like to see the return of El Rondo."

At time of writing, the PSOE have been disgracefully silent on their policy on the recent cancellation of the footballing shout-fest.

Another of the paper's writers who has come over all political for no apparent reason is Sergi Arola, who rants entertainingly about people stopping him smoking and driving too fast.

"It's like being under Franco," he grumbles. "Why don't we ban Messi, Kun and Robinho from playing badly under threat of expulsion?" is the logical conclusion to those trying to prevent him from running over his fellow citizens or giving them passive lung cancer.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2008

Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round 21

2008-01-28T12:17:00.000+01:00

For the Spanish Thing's ruminations on Sevilla, click here for full satisfaction.

And for those wanting to see La Liga Loca in beautiful surround sound, HD 3D, tune into Extra Time (22.05 UK time) on Real Madrid TV - a show repeated throughout the week.

Bad Day

Valencia

Ok. Hands up in surrender. This isn't funny anymore. La Liga Loca is very, very sorry. The pins have been removed from the Juan Soler doll. No more evil thoughts will be heading in Valencia's direction.

Not really. This is hilarious. Without a victory in nine. Two goals scored in ten. Six points from thirty. And losing at home to Almería.

"If someone wants to destroy a team in two months, ask Koeman. He has the instruction manual," advises El Pais on a Valencia side that now has a record worse than Levante's over the past ten rounds of action.

"The club is in crisis," admitted the Dutch destroyer on Sunday evening, "but I'm not running away after two months." He may not have a choice, as 40,000 very angry Mestallans are the brink of chasing Koeman and his crazy ways right out of town.

Espanyol

Oh dear. Ronald Koeman is not the only man who needs that frown turning upside down. Paul from Barcelona is in the same boat of despondency too, having seen his side lose three in a row in the league.

"Short but sweet today folks. Too depressed to put any effort in. Crap defending and seemingly half-fit team threw away 3 points. Betis were not very good but won't go down.

First goal looked offside to me and we missed at least 8 good chances. One sitter from Coro 5 mins from time was...can't think of a suitable word. "Crap" maybe? Sooner we get a new striker the better.

Good away fan turn out as always. Going to listen to Leonard Cohen to cheer myself up."

Paul, Barcelona

Barcelona

Having only caught the briefest of snatches of this match during, before and after a trip to the Bernabeu on Sunday night, La Liga Loca is about the least qualified person in Spain to say what happened. Not that this stops most of those writing in Marca and AS day in, day out.

The press seems to be agreed that Barcelona should have won the game by scoring a second, but didn't. And that Athletic Bilbao suddenly produced the kind of gonad-grasping grit that has been absent from their play for much of the season.

"A draw that's a defeat," was the opinion of the newly signed up Andrés Iniesta, after the game.

The gap from Real Madrid is now nine points. It's not a chasm, but its big enough to make you think twice about jumping it. "Real Madrid do not seem to be disposed to dropping their guard," writes a thoroughly depressed and defeatist sounding Josep Maria Casanovas, writing in Sport.

One most hope Casanovas' pessimistic appraisal is wrong, as this season could be turning very very dull, very very soon, if Barcelona don't get their act together.

Murcia

A disastrous defeat at the hands of lowly Levante on Sunday, for Murcia. And it was a defeat that caused a number of home fans to call for the head of manager, Lucas Alcaraz, according to AS.

The bottom of the table is still a bit of a squeeze, so there is plenty of time for Murcia to dig themselves out of trouble. But only if Baiano picks up a shovel, some time soon.

José Antonio Reyes

People of the Primera! Culé's and Ché's. Perico's and..er..those who come from Valladolid. It's time to focus on what unites us, not divides us. It's time to focus on what makes us strong, not makes us weak. (La Liga Loca is very much into American Primary season). It's time to unite behind the belief that José Antonio Reyes is a bit of a tit.

After a season where the winger has done nothing but complain off the pitch and ponce about on it, Reyes had the chance to put all this behind him and lead his side to victory against Mallorca. Instead, he saw red in a match Marca advised was his last chance to prove himself to Javier Aguirre.

"He's a fascinating but irritating study in human behavoir," observed AS on Reyes' two yellow cards for dissent and a dirty foul that was the highlight of their 1-0 defeat to Mallorca.

Cuco Ziganda

La Liga Loca first got an inkling that all was not right in the Osasuna manager's head at a post match press conference at the Calderón against Atlético Madrid - a match which saw four sent off for the visitors. "The referee had a great game," dead-panned Ziganda with ill-disguised sarcasm.

On Saturday night against Sevilla, Cuco went into complete footballing meltdown when a dubious penalty decision was awarded against his team, in injury time. "You should all be dead, like Puerta," was what Sevilla radio worker, Jesus Alvarado, claims Ziganda yelled at the Sevilla players - something that the Osasuna coach strongly denies.

With the penalty converted and the game lost, Cuco stormed onto the pitch, attempted to fight everyone there and then preceded to rant against refereeing slights that have bedeviled his side, all season.

All in all it was brilliant stuff.

Recreativo

With uncanny and rare predictive brilliance, La Liga Loca wrote that Recreativo would be next to slip into the relegation ejector seat. And so it came to be with a 3-1 home defeat at the hands of Getafe for Muñoz' minions.

Recreativo have managed to increase their goal tally over recent weeks, but are still without a win in six.

Good Day

Real Madrid

La Liga Loca loves Villarreal. With the defensive stylings of Pascal Cygan at the back at the rampaging Rossi up front, they always bring a smile to your face when they turn up for a game of football.

La Liga Loca is also growing fond of Robinho. Another cracking display from no longer young Brazilan put three more points in Real Madrid's title chasing bag - three more points that is starting to make the blog believe that maybe, just maybe Bernd Schuster's men aren't lucky so and so's playing crap teams.

This match was possibly the last big test for Real Madrid, this season - although the blog thinks next week's trip to Almeria could be an upset. Not that AS' Tomas Roncero would agree,

"This Madrid can't be stopped by the Yellow Submarine, nor an aircraft carrier, nor the Seventh Fleet." They probably could be. Especially, if they fly over it in La Saeta.

Real Betis

Betis seem to have one tactical move these days - lob the ball from the left for Edu to head home. But by thunder, it's effective. A very, very, very handy away win for a side, who, let's not forget are still quite rubbish.

Getafe

A second win in a row for free scoring Getafe and a second match with three goals scored.

Levante

An away win! Three goals! These are, indeed, the End of Days.

Juan Carlos Valerón

A fantastic sight on the pitch in Riazor, on Sunday - not words you use often, these days. That was the sight of Valéron back playing football after a two year league absence and after a brush with retirement. The midfielder snapped his ligaments in January 2006, before coming back in a friendly, in July, when the same thing happened.

The following January, Valerón suffered another set back in January of 2007. A year later, he ran onto the pitch in their 3-1 win over Valladolid to give his side the teeniest sliver of hope for the future.

Almería

The best performance from a Primera debutant in sixteen years, thanks to run of three 1-0 wins a row. You still wouldn't want to watch them, though.

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Anyone missed? Just click on comments or email the blog.

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The Big Weekend Preview - Round 21

2008-01-26T10:27:00.000+01:00

Saturday

Sevilla (9th) v Osasuna (14th)

Ten defeats this season - the third worst record in the league - means that excitable Sevilla coach, Manuel Jiménez, is almost certainly going to be thrown into the managerial dumpster over the summer, with a proper, less bouncy trainer being brought in. The two candidates for this prestigious post, according to AS, are Espanyol's Ernesto Valverde (the dream choice, apparently) and the miraculous Marcelino of Recreativo and Racing fame.

But Freddie Kanouté, speaking from the African Cup of Nations, says that it is the players who are to blame for their current malaise. "We have a serious problem," he observed with rapier like insight.

José Maria del Nido, busy hanging on to Luis Fabiano's ankle in a tug of war with Man City's Svennis, is pointing the finger of blame in Juande Ramos' direction. "He betrayed us for money!" declared the honest as they come, charity loving, former lawyer of Jesus Gil. Home win.

Sunday

Racing Santander (6th) Zaragoza (11th)

Zaragoza begin the fortnight's second bright new dawn for the club, with grizzled old war horse Javo Irureta at the helm. The former Betis coach has the second highest number of league matches under his belt as a coach - after Luis Aragones - so he looks like being the right man to set Zaragoza back on the straight and narrow.

As long as he is allowed to kick Andres d'Alessandro from the side, that is - something that his two predecessors have been unable to do. One can only imagine that the Argentinean has pictures of a board member in bed with a donkey and a walnut whip. Draw.

Murcia (18th) v Levante (20th)

If Levante actually paid salaries, then the club's wage bill would be lighter by one head, this week. The latest man to leave lowly Levante is the fitness trainer, Pablo Artico. Even the rats are packing their tiny rodent suitcases and legging it. Home win.

Mallorca (13th) v Atletico (4th)

What might have been an emotional return to Getafe, on Wednesday night, by Mallorca striker Dani Guiza, turned out to have been a little on the sour side. On Monday, deadly Dani claimed that Getafe still owed him his bonus for the Copa del Rey final appearance. And this complaint was the straw that broke the back of Angel Torre's footballing camel.

"I was so tired of being his nanny," ranted the Getafe president, as he recalled the forward's spell at the club. "I once had to get up at four in the morning as he was out and didn't know how to get home...I had to go to a judge to pay his salary in...he drove without a license...he used to collect..." Home win.

Valencia (8th) v Almeria (10th)

After having been 7th or 8th in the league for what seems like decades, despite having failed to win a game in that time, Valencia have finally been caught by the stampeding pack of sides looking to avoid relegation. If Ronald Koeman's men fail to cut the mustard at Mestalla, on Sunday, then they will joining them.

The big news at the club, this week, was the ongoing war of words between David Albeda, his lawyers and Koeman. The maverick midfielder, along with Santiago Cañizares, broke cover this week with a series of radio and newspaper interviews where the goalkeeper revealed that he was having psychological help to get him through the current crisis.

Ronald Koeman was less than impressed by this claiming that the players cynically chose their recent defeat at Villarreal to put the boot in to best effect. On the team news, Ruben Baraja has been ruled out for a month, which means the midfield duo of Ever Banega and Hedwiges Maduro - "Albeda with less baggage" according to Marca - are set to start on Sunday. Home win.

Deportivo (19th) v Valladolid (7th)

Another club whose footballing existence resembles a dodgy Venezuelan soap opera is Deportivo. This week, Gustavo Munúa fought the law over his thuggish assault on Dudu Aouate - and the law won, with the goalkeeper being handed a six month suspended prison sentence and a fine.

But instead of firing the fist-flinging scumbag, Miguel Angel Lotina - at the request of the dressing room - has allowed both Munúa and Aoaute to return to full training. Which must make for a delightful atmosphere.

The club's bean counters were handed bad news with Albert Luque threatening to take Deportivo to court for 2.2 million euros, which he claims is an unpaid bonus from his 14 million euro move to Newcastle. Expect topless models with collection buckets at Riazor on Sunday. Home win.

Espanyol (5th) v Real Betis (16th)

Ernesto Valverde must have spent his Christmas walking under ladders, smashing mirrors and kicking cats of all description around the streets of Barcelona. Since their return to action, Espanyol have lost twice in the league, been booted out of the Copa del Rey have now lost Raul Tamudo for two months with a broken arm.

But to give their remaining players a much needed shot in the arm for the rest of the season, the club have struck a deal with the local Ecuadorian community leaders - a deal which will see 8,000 fans turning up to Montjuic to help fill the frequently empty stands. Home win.

Recreativo (17th) v Getafe (12th)

La Liga Loca was either having a funny turn whilst watching the sports news on Friday, or Getafe have replaced Michael Laudrup with David Boreanaz. Draw.

Athletic Bilbao (15th) v Barcelona (2nd)

When former Athletic Bilbao manager, Javier Clemente - a man not blessed with an enormous amount of cultural sensitivity - took over Serbia, a few gasps of astonishment were uttered in Spain. But luckily Clemente failed to restart the Balkan conflict as predicted by many. He also failed to qualify them for the European Championships.

And this is why Clemente is going to continue on his odyssey through the Axis of Evil by managing Iran - move that raised La Liga Loca's eyebrows to such an extent that they are still be talked down, a day later. "The war is in Iraq, not Iran" pointed out the country's new footballing Ayatollah with a thin grasp of geopolitical understanding.

Real Madrid (1st) v Villarreal (3rd)

La Liga Loca is feeling particularly triumphant today, as it has successfully located the LCD Soundsystem cd in FNAC. After a month long search. For those unfamiliar with FNAC, it is a DVD, book and cd store that has the thoroughly irritating habit of categorising every band on the planet into Rock Pop, International, Rock, New Tendencies, Alternative and so on.

The same process is happening for Real Madrid at the moment, with the team being branded as lucky, good, good but lucky, good compared to everyone else and so on. Draw.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca 2008

Weight Watching at the Camp Nou

2008-01-24T10:57:00.000+01:00

Kelly Osbourne's recent diatribe against a 'fatist' society has fallen on deaf ears in Spain - exactly what people wish they possessed every time the portly popster opens her mouth to sing, as it happens.

This isn't because of the local custom of everyone speaking at the same time, without listening to what anyone else is saying, but because there is still far too much fun to be had poking fun at the titan of tapas, Ronaldinho.

On Wednesday, Sport, published a grubby photo of d'inho on the beach, in a pair of dodgy Speedos, running against a giant rubber band being held by another gentleman sporting dodgy Speedos.

The Barcelona barmy paper has either landed quite a scoop on a brand new side to the midfielder's private life or they have uncovered evidence of Ronaldinho's 'pre-season' as described by El Pais, who write that 'officially, he is out with tendonitis'.

Joan Laporta is another man concerned with the weighty issue of his prize possession. The Kind of Catalunya is pictured in AS staring intently at Ronaldinho's abs, having asked the titanic tubster to lift his shirt up for him.

All in all it's all very undignified, thinks Frank Rijkaard, in a very jovial mood on Wednesday. "Ronaldo was a fatty," said the mischievous manager "but I see Ronaldinho every day and he's fine". "Not that I have a problem with fat players," continued Rijkaard, on his rolly-polly rant, "as long as they are great fat players."

Onto slightly more serious matters and Deportivo reserve keeper, Gustavo Munúa, narrowly escaped a six month prison sentence, for smashing Dudu Aouate in the face a couple of weeks ago.

The penalty was the original punishment for the Depor player, but the judge later made it a suspended one and ordered the guilty party to pay a fine of 3600 Euros.

Poor old Dudu is still being left out of the Deportivo squad as he has yet to apologise to his teammates for having carelessly put his face into the path of Munúa's flying fist.

"Neither have fulfilled the conditions of the dressing room and apologised publicly," said Miguel Angel Lotina, who should be sacked for that comment nevermind having offered the football fans of Spain one of the most tedious teams in the league.

Wednesday night saw a couple of Copa del Rey quarter final, first legs. In the first, Valencia grabbed a 1-0 win over a ten man Atletico side that was 'disinterested' say El Pais and 'getting worse by the day' report AS.

The home side failed to get the sell out crowd they hoped for. And this is because the match was played at the insane time of 10 o'clock at night, claims Ronald Koeman. "If my son asked me to go to Mestalla at ten to see a game, I wouldn't let him," grumbled the Dutch destroyer. The fact that his side are a bit sh*t doesn't help either.

Getafe beat Mallorca, 1-0, in the other thrilling match at the Coliseum. And just 6,000 bothered to turn up, thanks to the 30 euros and rising ticket prices offered to most fans.

The "Thump! Thump! Buzzzz" noise coming from Spain is the sound of AS continuing to flog the 'Ronaldo to Real Madrid' dead horse, for the third day running. He "needs to come to Spain to win the 'Ballon d'or" were the reported words of his agent, according to AS who cited Fabio Cannavaro as a correct but at the same time completely incorrect example of what could happen to the Jacuzzi-jizzing superstar if he came to the Spanish capital.

Ideally the Real Madrid's time would be better spent trying to get their 36 million euros back from the Arjen Robben transfer. Harvesting his organs to oil billionaires with failing kidneys seems to be the best option, at the moment.

In the 'give him an Oscar before he pops his clogs' tradition of the film industry, UEFA are set to make country-swapping old timer, Alfredo di Stefano, a 'president of honour' at a ceremony in February. Which is nice.

Zaragoza's ex-midweek manager, Ander Garitano, has spoken out about his reason for quitting the post he held for a week before thinking better of it and jacking it in.

"Strictly personal," was the main reason given from the man who said that he didn't quite have the energy for it and wanted to quit on the Thursday. His departure was nothing to do with Andres d'Alessandro, of course, a player who blubbed in the dressing room after Sunday's match, having been booed off by the home fans.

Betis big cheese, Manuel Ruiz de Lopera has shown why he is the right man to lead the club forward into a bright, dazzling future. "I wouldn't change the Betis squad for that of Espanyol or Racing Santander," boasted Andalusia's biggest loon, turning down the chance to field Raul Tamudo, Luis Garcia, Torrejon, Riera, Kameni, de la Peña, Garay, Munitis...

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2008

Who's Next for La Liga Loca's Voodoo Hoodoo?

2008-01-22T10:52:00.000+01:00

It hurts when La Liga Loca types today. Oh it hurts. That's because La Liga Loca has plasters on most of its fingertips. And that's because La Liga Loca was up half the night making a brand new voodoo doll. And we all know what happened the last time, that happened. Well, Valencia fans do.

The brand new voodoo doll bears an uncanny likeness to Real Zaragoza owner, Agapito Iglesias - although it looks like he is suffering from bulimia due to the extraordinary stuffing demands of Soler's doll, last year.

The reason for this revenge on a club that the blog has always had a soft spot for is that they have now lost their second manager in a week. Last Monday, Ander Garitano was appointed after Victor Fernandez was rather cruelly kicked out. This Monday, the new boy swiftly became the old boy after Garitano handed in his resignation.

The reason cited for angry Ander throwing in the footballing towel after just seven days was his bosses complete refusal to kick Andres 'the Punk' d'Alessandro out of the club and to sign a new central defender - two requests of Victor Fernandez and two requests also turned down by his former know-better-than-you bosses.

Zaragoza have already moved in on Jabo Irureta as Garitano's replacement, once he has successfully completed the "will you do exactly as you're told, gimp-boy?" one question interview.

All this talk of voodoo hoodoo leads us nicely to Valencia. One of the many despondent men watching their crapulent capitulation against Villarreal, on Sunday, was new signing, Hedwiges Maduro - a player who looked like he had been promised Jessica Alba on a blind date, but had just seen Esperanza Aguirre walking into the restaurant.

The latest news from Mestalla is that Ronald Koeman, a man who knows a metaphor, has ordered that a wall is built to separate the players from journalists. But it is too late for one of their footballers as just about everyone got their grubby hands on David Albeda, on Monday.

The misfit midfielder revealed that he has had no contact from Juan Soler and he probably won't now, considering Aldeda told Marca that "he is the main person responsible for all this, not Valencia as an institution."

"They've done me irreparable damage and I'm going to fight for my rights," warned Albeda who should perhaps read David Beckham's "how to get back into favour" play-book.

Aside from making legal threats and working on his Sudoko skills, Albeda has been looking over offers from both Chelsea and Spurs. "I'm attracted to England. Especially London."

Valladolid's Joseba Llorente is very much the man of the moment in Spain with everyone wanting a word with the six-second striker. The forward revealed that the cunning plan to catch Espanyol off guard, when "Torrejon was still thinking about what he will have for tea," as one paper put it, came on the centre circle when his striking partner, Victor, turned to him and said, "Are you ready for a sprint?"

Victor told a neo-con tastic El Mundo - which cited Blitzkriegs and Sun Tzu's Act of War in their interview - that "we are going to have to find another new surprise attack."

Those evil doers at AS - and therefore, those evil doers at Real Madrid, as they are one and the same - have plumbed new depths by plastering Cristiano Ronaldo's mother on their front cover for Tuesday.

"Before I die I want to see my son at Real Madrid," pleaded a clearly being used, abused and manipulated Dolores.

The scumbag rag doctored a photo of Sergio Ramos and stuck Ronaldo's head on it for her to pose with, causing poor old Dolores to remark, "when did my boy play for Real Madrid?"

The other news from Castle Greyskull is that the 'is Pepe worth 30 million euros o'meter' has swung back towards the 'you're having a laugh!' end of the chart with the news that he faces yet another injury lay off. This time, for a month.

Missing from La Liga Loca's Monday report was Tomas Roncero's thoughts on the derby result - a result, rather annoyingly, he predicted correctly.

"I recommend that Aguero goes to England soon," said AS's ass, "like Torres did, so he can grow and one day he could play for Real Madrid." Not content with that gem, he went on to praise the Real Madrid supporters in the stadium, "the best fans since football was football." The riot police outside the Calderon, on Sunday, may disagree.

Roberto Gomez' love affair with Florentio Perez continues in Marca with a renewed attack on Ramon Calderon. "He was very bad," grumbled Gomez on the Real Madrid president applauding his players off the pitch, on Sunday night. "It's the second time he's stayed on the balcony to do that - the first was in the Camp Nou. He's either inconsistent or a provoker."

Over in the Kingdom of Cataluyna, Thierry Henry's latest inexplicable and rather disturbing goal celebration - which sees him giving himself a wedgie with his shorts - has upset at least one member of the Camp Nou camp.

"I didn't want him to score," confessed Victor Valdes, "I don't like his celebration at all." La Liga Loca is with you Victor.

In transfer news, Villarreal's Rio Mavuda goes to Lille on loan. Valencia's Sunny is set to be moved out of the club, having only just moved in. Atletico Madrid are looking at Juve's Tiago as their 'brain' after discovering Maniche didn't have one.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2008

Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round 20

2008-01-21T12:37:00.000+01:00

For more dirt on the Madrid derby - click here for full satisfaction.

Good Day

Francisco Casquero

The match between Getafe and Sevilla was similar to one of those tug-of-love American tv movies for La Liga Loca. But without the scenes of domestic violence and bad guys being stabbed in the eye that are frequently broadcast pre-watershed in Spain.

It was a match between the blog's two favourite teams La Liga. Plucky underdogs against the most entertaining side on the planet. But both sides needed the points! Oh, the angst.

In the end it was Getafe who grabbed them after Casquero returned to his rocket roasting best to open the scoring and Contra got the winner in a mental period of injury time, after his side had thrown away a 2-1 lead, just minutes before.

"I watched the Manchester United game, earlier, and the same thing happened to Ronaldo, Rooney and Giggs. If they can make mistakes, so can we," said Michael Laudrup on their late, late show.

Real Madrid

The Spanish Thing writes that Real Madrid are lucky buggers. The Spanish Thing is way off the mark. As usual. AS, for once, are right when they comment that you don't win that many games by being lucky.

Real Madrid have now won on their travels in San Mames, Camp Nou, Mestalla, Vicente Calderon and La Madrigal. The second half of a season should be a doddle.

Monday's papers are praising Raul for his Calderón performance but the best player for the visitors, on Sunday, was Robinho - 57 times the footballer from the last two seasons. This new and improved version of Robinho runs, harries and harasses. He also does considerably less fannying about, than before.

Another topic for discussion, one day, is whether the team that is currently seven points clear is Bernd Schuster's, or Fabio Capello's but with more time to gel. The fact that Pepe, Robben, Metzelder, Heinze, Drenthe, Saviola nor Soldado have failed to make much of an impact, this season, suggests the latter is right.

Joseba Llorente

January's winner of the Dani Guiza flavour of the month award in goes to Valladolid's Llorente, who scored his 9th and 10th goal of the season, on Sunday, against Espanyol, and his fifth in two league matches.

But more importantly Llorente is now the proud record holder of the Primera's fastest goal with his 7.82 second effort. "It wasn't a rehearsed move," said a delighted Mendilibar, whose side now sit in 7th after three consecutive wins.

Barcelona

La Liga Loca was still picking its way through riot police and assorted Ultras being padded down as it returned home from the Vicente Calderón, as this match took place. But from snatches seen, it looked like Barcelona dominated play without making their chances count - and this is a familiar story for "a team in transition," says Sport.

To rehash a very old cliché, Sunday's match was a potential banana skin for Barcelona, as Racing Santander are no pushovers, this season. But, they "did the minimum to defeat them", reported Sport who have now taken to pragmatic football like a starving Spaniard to ham.

And what's with the booing of Giovani? Not exactly going to help with those tricky contract negotiations currently underway.

Almería

For the second week in a row, another late late show for Almeria and another 1-0 win to keep them out of the relegation rumble. At least for now, anyway.

Villarreal

It was the barn-storming, ball-busting version of Villarreal on display, on Saturday night, as they tore Valencia apart in a match when they could have scored about fifty. Maybe.

They are still a 50/50 bet for a Champions League place due to their ability to concede three against Deportivo and four against Zaragoza. But they are also capable of sticking three past Barcelona. And this makes their revenge mission at the Bernabeu, next Sunday, an intriguing one.

Zaragoza

After nine matches, Real Zaragoza finally win a game. But the victory would have come with or without Víctor Fernández on the bench on Sunday evening. Zaragoza score far too many goals to remain the big, fat losers that they had become - especially with a Diego Milito in the line up, who now has thirteen league goals.

Levante

A point! And two goals! That's reason enough for a street party down Levante way. And it's reason enough to get into the Good Day section.

José Guardado

The Deportivo player should not feel too down in the dumps at his team's current plight, as he will surely be moving on to bigger and better things, next season.

Bad Day

Valencia

After watching last week's defeat to Atlético in the Calderón, La Liga Loca was thinking that maybe, just maybe, there was hope for Valencia. Luckily, La Liga Loca was wrong. Valencia are doomed. Doomed!

Ronald Koeman's side has managed just 6 points from a possible 27. They have scored two goals in eight league matches; cowardly crackpot, Juan Soler, has vanished from the scene with a mystery illness, forcing his VP stooge to do the post match interviews on La Sexta and La Liga Loca has never seen players looking as despondent as those trudging off the pitch, on Saturday night, after a complete battering by Villarreal.

Sevilla

Ten defeats! Ten! "We should feel ashamed of ourselves after playing like that," grumbled Luis Fabiano, blaming their poor season on a complete lack of concentration on set pieces. "Everyone needs to defend!" shouted Oscar Jiménez minutes after he watched his side throw away two points against Getafe.

Espanyol

"A bad week," said Ernesto Valverde on a seven day period that saw brought two league defeats and a Copa del Rey exit. Is the party over for Espanyol?

Deportivo

According to the news wires, Deportivo manager, Miguel Angel Lotina is still hanging on in there in La Coruña. But only just.

"I'm tired of saying this, but my future on the bench matters little to me. The only thing that matters is Deportivo." Ahh. It's enough to bring a tear to your eye.

Fran Yeste

A head butt from the Athletic Bilbao battler saw him sent off from a 'horrible game' according to AS, that was played out in a blanket of fog and it saw Osasuna take the lead four minutes later with a thumper from Dady.

"On another day we could have got something from the game," mused Athletic coach, Joaquín Caparrós, before putting the thumbscrews to his misbehaving midfielder.

Murcia

It's Murcia's turn to be sitting in the relegation zone's big game of musical chairs. Next week, Recreativo.

Betis

The kind of game Betis, really, really need to win, if they are to stay up, this season. But they didn't.

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The Big Weekend Preview - Round 20

2008-01-18T11:11:00.000+01:00

Saturday

Villarreal (5th) v Valencia (7th)

This week began with the normal mayhem in Mestalla, got marginally better, but will end with doom and despair when Valencia have their arses handed to them by their neighbours from hell, Villarreal.

The seven days started with defender, Raul Albiol, needing 13 stitches in his knee after a game of beach football - a game that presumably took place in Thunderdome. Soon after, petitions from Japan of all places, arrived at the club telling Juan Soler to bugger off and do one - but probably in a more polite manner.

Things picked up a little on Wednesday, when Valencia knocked Betis out of the Copa del Rey in front of just 20,000 fans. And on Friday, it was reported that the lord of the five knuckle shuffle, Ever Banega, will soon be partnered by Ajax's superbly-named central midfielder, Hedwiges Maduro. Home win.

Getafe (15th) v Sevilla (8th)

This second round tie between the two teams has some considerable significance for Sevillistas, as the first one was the match which saw the collapse and subsequent death of Antonio Puerta - an event that the Sevilla team has never fully recovered from.

Former team-mate and really rubbish striker, Kepa - now at Getafe - says that the best tribute to his fallen comrade would be a victory...for the home team. Perhaps the most peculiar thing said, this week, by anyone. Home win.

Sunday

Osasuna (18th) v Athletic Bilbao (11th)

Osasuna have been talking the talk over the last few days, but are they capable of walking the walk? Last Sunday's crap capitulation at the hands of Racing Santander saw them slip into the relegation zone - but they won't be there for long, says pretty much everyone at the club.

"There's still time for us to have a good season," says Ricardo with the same blind optimism shared by those expecting the people of Spain to agree on the proposed lyrics for the national anthem. Home win.

Zaragoza (12th) v Murcia (14th)

After Víctor Fernández 'paid the duck' for Zaragoza's season long slump by being sacked, the latest addition to Spain's unemployment statistics sat down with a cup of tea and a muffin, during the week and talked to El Pais about the behind the scenes shenanigans at La Romareda.

It seems that Victor's relationship with club big cheese, Agapito Iglesias was all but non-existent and he didn't receive the backing from his paymasters over his decision to boot Andrés d'Alessandro from the squad.

So now, Zaragoza's destiny lies in the inexperienced hands of Ander Garitano who began his tenure by seeing his side get turned over in the Copa del Rey by Racing Santander. Home win.

Levante (20th) v Mallorca (13th)

Levante's Italian trio of Rigano, Storari and Cirillo set sail across the Med in boat flying a big white flag, this week. And it's 'good riddance' says Giovanni di Biasi who claims that his own rapidly sinking ship is now "a bit lighter".

Not only is it a bit lighter, but the air below decks is considerably clearer as the remaining players can now see each other's miserable faces, for the first time this season, as the departing threesome were also smokers.

"So what if a player smokes? In Italy and in Europe there's no problem if a player has a ciggie or two after a meal," complained Rigano misplacing the continental location of Spain.

The not so super striker also reflected on his oh so happy time in Valencia. "In Levante we were going down and it seemed that no-one cared," said the forward who showed how much he cared by sodding off at the earliest possible opportunity.

Meanwhile over in Mallorca, the soon to be departing Jonás, revealed that not all footballers are porno-obsessed gigolos. Some get their kicks out of old fossils - and not in the Wayne Rooney sense.

"My favourite dinosaur is the velociraptor," mused the palaeontology-loving man-child of Mallorca who also has a soft spot for brontosauruses, apparently. "I've seen Jurassic Park about fifteen times," he giggled whilst crayon-drawing a picture of a T-Rex on the dressing room wall. Away win.

Almería (10th) v Deportivo (19th)

Finally, some kind of sense has been seen in La Coruña. The talk in the football world had been on whether Munúa's apparently unprovoked attack on Dudu Aouate would leave both players out of the squad for the rest of the season. But, at last, the talk in the real world has turned to the fact that a man had his eye socket smashed in.

The local legal authorities are investing the incident to see whether charges will be pressed against Munúa, seeing as Aouate is unwilling to do so.

Earlier in the week, the four club captains held a join press conference to discuss both the affair and a four hour meeting held with Miguel Angel Lotina. "The two of them have to apologise to the team," declared Manuel Pablo, "Dudu for talking about things he knows nothing about and the other for the punch." Tough justice in Depor. Home win.

Valladolid (9th) v Espanyol (4th)

Espanyol have taken their midweek cup defeat to Athletic Bilbao in good spirit. Not really. A red card for Luis Garcia has provoked a fusillade of fury from club president, Daniel Sanchez Llibre against referee, Rodríquez Santiago.

"We know who he is," barked the big wig, "he's one who allowed Messi's handball goal in the derby last season, at the Camp Nou...We had to go to penalties thanks to his incompetence," wailed the walking heart attack. Draw.

Betis (16th) v Recreativo (17th)

"Long live Spain! We sing together, with different voices and only one heart!" What was wrong that that? Sounds like a dodgy Eurovision song, sure, but aside from that...

Atletico Madrid (3rd) v Real Madrid (1st)

"Enrique Cerezo, the excellent president of Atletico Madrid put to rest one of the most important questions of the derby," wrote Marca's Roberto Gomez - neatly overlooking Cerezo's criminal conviction for cooking Atletico's books a few years ago.

So what question was put to rest, according to Gomez? Atletico not bottling the derby. Again? Kun and Forlan winning the deadly striking duel against Ruud and Raul? Of course not.

"Where will the official lunch be held?" mused Roberto. Fortunately, it will be held in a restaurant of one of his best mates - which is the only conclusion one can draw from Wednesday's page long plug - a plug which no doubt saw Gomez having to wipe the drool from the keyboard as he gushed over the quality of ham that would be served up. And the pudding, of course.

Lunch was also the running theme of Friday's AS. The paper ran a four page feature on the meal thrown by the paper for Rámon Calderón and Cerezo. But the big news was that two actual, kitten-loving real life women were allowed to join the party of besuited old fogies which had an uncanny resemblance to a gathering of Republican party presidential candidates.

One person who was missing was the paper's Atletico Madrid correspondent. Instead Iñaki Díaz-Guerro was at home, "curtains drawn and head under the duvet," avoiding an event where, "the two presidents sit there, the world is lovely, flowers are pretty, what good friends we are, la la la." Draw.

Barcelona (2nd) v Racing Santander (6th)

Racing Santander and their miraculous manager, Marcelino, are the current toasts of the town in Spain. But Marcelino is too canny a cookie to know that this adulation may be momentary. "They could easily be singing 'Marcelino out!' in a month," said the coach when questioned about the songs being sung by giddy Racing fans, at the moment.
Home win.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2008

An Incredible Night of Thrills and Spills!

2008-01-17T12:38:00.000+01:00

"It was two nights of emotion...and suffering...and suffering...and emotion" is what La Liga Loca would have written on the Copa del Rey if it were Spanish. But it isn't and they weren't.

The big news from the Carling Copa del Rey was the elimination of holders, Sevilla, by the new and improved, down to earth, always gets the first round in, Barcelona. It's a revolution which sees Frank Rijkaard being praised in Sport for using 'plan B' and 'playing ugly' - a little unfair on the current Catalan playing style, thinks La Liga Loca, which is still fairly easy on the eye.

Whilst Joan Laporta has being having run-in's with door men and chauffeurs and goodness knows what, this week, his Dutch manager has been busy developing a less flouncy but more effective style of play.

And it sees them facing Villarreal in the next round of the cup - a cup that has had further tension sucked out of it, by having a pre-destined draw all the way to final, thus eliminating the chance of three separate lunches for the Spanish FA. La Liga Loca reckons they never thought that one through.

Real Madrid's dismal performance in the competition continued with a 0-1 defeat to Mallorca on Wednesday night. Both Marca and AS had radically different interpretations of the game with the former plumping for "Goodbye to the Treble!" as their headline, with AS opting for "Goodbye to the Treble!" Two papers, one tiny brain.

The tie was livened up with an entertaining pre-match tiff between Bernd Schuster and Gregorio Manzano. The Mallorcan manager commented on Monday that the match referee would be "an added rival" - incorrectly as it turned out.

Schuster was unable to resist the bait and accused his counterpart of "lacking respect" - something the German coach has never done of course, aside from having a pop at a Catalan referee, or boasting in an interview over the New Year that he regularly criticises the man in the middle as a cunning tactic to divert attention from his players.

The game ended with the two men failing to shake hands and Manzano commenting on Schuster that, "you can speak English, but it doesn't make you a good English teacher". Quite.

Professional idiot, Tomas Roncero, writing in AS chose to completely ignore the result in Thursday's column and tells us about his thrilling evening in the Bernabeu. "I had the chance to see the first half from the North Stand together with 16 friends and family," - he counted them! - "It was a Senate of Madridistas."

Surely, "a smug of Madridistas" would be more apt. "A depression of rojiblancos"..."a whine of Valencians"..."a conspiracy of Culés"...La Liga Loca senses a competition.

But back to Roncero, Tomas then looks ahead to Sunday's derby and cheerfully tells his readers to "put a 2 in the Quinela. Be sure of it!" before reminding all Madridistas that "our Castellana sanctuary continues to be a talisman. In the league and in Europe. Tremble Roma! Tremble Totti!"

As it stands, Real Madrid missed out on the opportunity to play Getafe in the quarters, who beat Levante 1-0 in Valencia in front of about 8 fans.

Espanyol lost out to Athletic Bilbao on penalties, Racing Santander put on a cracking display to beat back a sorry Zaragoza, Valencia disposed off Betis and Atletico sneaked through against Valladolid.

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Bang, Bang, Kiss, Kiss for Depor's Dueling Duo

2008-01-15T10:51:00.000+01:00

Miguel Angel Lotina's crazy plan of letting Depor's third choice keeper take over for the rest of the season has been abandoned as swiftly as Spain's half arsed attempts at a smoking ban, some years back.

The four goals conceded by Fabricio on Sunday has made the miserable manager rethink Saturday's promise to ban his other two stoppers, Aouate and Manúa, for the rest of the year after the latter punched the former in the face in a tabloid style training ground bust up.

Lotina has said that if the alleged aggressor apologises to the alleged aggressee, then both will have the dubious honour of pulling on the Deportivo shirt, once again - and it's something Manúa says he is hunky dory with.

"I don't have a problem with talking to Dudu," said the fist-flying footballer, perhaps forgetting that the Israeli born Aouate could probably decapitate him with a plastic tea spoon if he wanted.

Manúa has given a different version of the original incident to that of his team-mate, who had reported that the attack came out of the blue, when he was getting changed.

"First we were arguing from afar (very Spanish), then we just went for each other (very non-Spanish)," explained the aggressive goalie.

Zaragoza woke up on Monday morning with a brand new manager after the club president had a long hard thing over Víctor Fernández' replacement - well, the time it takes to pour a cup of tea, any way.

The new, very cheap man at the helm of the club that Marca described as "a good watch that doesn't work', is Ander Garitano - current youth team coach and former player. He is backed by Santi Aragon, a man pictured wearing the worst cardigan seen by La Liga Loca since it last went for a wander around Madrid's Salamanca neighbourhood.

"Garitano has a magnificent relationship with the sporting director" reports AS - pin pointing the real reason why more experienced candidates such as Javier Clemente and Vicente del Bosque were passed on.

"In life there is always a first time," beamed Zaragoza's new shark bait - a man who has discovered the source of his new team's current malaise. "We have to improve in defence," revealed Garitano, as the assembled press pack gasped in reaction to his imperious perspicacity.

Meanwhile, Víctor waved goodbye to La Romareda vowing that he would not be back for a third time as manager, but maybe as a director or president.

"They never told me I was playing for my job," complained Fernández, on the 2-2 draw with Mallorca that was the final firing straw for his bosses. "I'm left with a feeling of dissatisfaction and pain," said Víctor echoing La Liga Loca's sentiments on watching Real Madrid, these days.

Speaking of the greatest, shiniest club in twenty years (using the twenty team league format, etc) Castle Greyskull's medical centre - which La Liga Loca can only assume is staffed by bikini models and the Cruz twins, such is the reluctance of players to ever leave it - continues to be the place to be.

After exhausting himself by chasing Riga all over the pitch, on Sunday, Pepe is set to miss out against Mallorca on Wednesday, as he is feeling a bit peaky. Heinze continues to have a hurty knee. Robben feels a little bit "you know, bleeur" and Metzelder has a rumbly tummy. Of course, all other media outlets will feed you some kind of balony about thigh strains and ankle knocks.

Iker Casillas has started musing on what he plans to do after he retires, which will be at 38 apparently. "I want to be President of Real Madrid," announced the super stopper, immediately causing Ramón Calderón to hit his desk button marked, 'Operation Eliminate'.

But that's not all Iker wants to do. He also wants to be a manager, starting with youth teams. He then revealed that he'd "like to be a referee," before adding train driver and spaceman to his list of career aspirations.

A rapidly running out of ammunition, ranting Roberto Gomez, writing in Marca continues his contractually-obliged support of Florentino Perez by predicting that anti-Ramón Calderón banners would soon be seen at the Bernabeu - what with Real Madrid having just beaten Barcelona in the Camp Nou and looking favourites for the league.

"The supporters are not happy with the style of play," wrote a man who has probably not spoken to an actual breathing supporter in about thirty-five years.

Atletico Madrid are on the brink of ditching Maniche - despite club president's Enrique Cerezo's denials from Thursday. "The club is making no move to loan or sell him," declared the film producing Pinocchio, as Maniche was heading off to Milan to sign a deal.

Meanwhile, more details as to the cause of Maniche's fall out with Javier Aguirre have come into the public domain - making La Liga Loca's legal team very happy, indeed. The big bust up finally came when the Mexican manager doubted Maniche's injury excuse which saw him miss out on a trip to take on Granada 74 in a Copa del Rey game.

"What have you ever won? Who are you to tell me anything?" was the reported response from the middle age spreaded midfielder to his coach's outrageous accusations.

Over in the Kingdom of Catalunya, Leo Messi is in trouble after making an unauthorised trip to Qatar to do some work for 'charidee'. However, considering he could well be fit to play this weekend, any punishment will probably consist of having to spend an hour in the company of Oleguer as he discusses Thomas Paine's 'The Rights of Man'.

Barcelona go into tonight's Copa del Rey match with Sevilla with an on-fire Thierry Henry up front - a player who is "Crack Happy!" according to Mundo Deportivo in a headline that way well grab the attention of the Spanish doping authorities.

Sevilla arrived in the Catalan capital with a fluey and feverish Luis Fabiano in tow and it looks like he will be kicked onto the pitch, no matter how bad he is feeling.

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Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round 19

2008-01-14T12:17:00.000+01:00

You can read The Spanish Thing making Murcia fans' day, by clicking here.

Bad Day

Valencia

The only good thing about testimonial matches is the sight of Westlife stars looking a bit rubbish and getting to watch normally box-bound centre backs playing as strikers. With hilarious consequences.

Ronald Koeman has opted for the same selection principles in proper games. Sunday's 'surreal line up' as El Pais described it, boasted two strikers on the right flank, two wingers up front and a central defender in midfield. "If Marchena is better than Albeda that I am better looking than George Clooney," commented an unimpressed AS, before the match.

It was only when the Dutchman brought on Banega and Zigic at half time, that Valencia started to make sense and they could easily have grabbed a point against an off colour Atletico. But they didn't and they are now nine points from the Champions League places and without a win in seven.

The Spanish press were strangely impressed by Ever Banega and his handiwork - this time, on a football pitch. La Liga Loca wasn't. He came on in bright yellow boots, passed the ball accurately, sideways, a few times - which already makes him better than Gago - but showed little or no interest in defending. A tendency for which he was punished by being forced to stay back for corners.

There is hope for Valencia, but only if Ronald Koeman stops letting his cat pick formations.

Sevilla

It looks like the African Cup of Nations may hit Sevilla very hard, indeed, over the next few weeks. With Kanouté, Koné and Keita off on their travels, Luis Fabiano suspended and Kerchakov injured, Sevilla arrived in Bilbao, "on a bicycle when they are used to going around in a tank," said AS.

There was a huge Goodfellas shrug of "whaddyado?" from Sevilla after Saturday's defeat - a defeat that wasn't helped by Escudé's dreadful dismissal.

Deportivo

The doomed Deportivo cause has had a bad few days with the devil vomiting into their footballing kettle. After the dropped Dudu Aouate moaned to the press that he should be playing ahead of Gustavo Munúa, his riled rival punched the Israeli stopper in the face, giving him eight stitches above the eye, in the process.

"I was starting to get changed and Manúa came in," recalled the battered goalie, "'what are you looking at?' he said. Then he punched me in the eye."

Miguel Angel Lotina took a dim view of this incident and decided to kick both protagonists from the side. "I can't allow anything the divides the dressing room," declared the 'hanging onto his job by his fingernails manager. "And I can't have any player saying that they have to play."

On Sunday, the third choice keeper, Fabricio, came in - and promptly let in four.

Espanyol

'Losers!" says La Liga Loca. "Nearly everything we did was bad," complained Ernesto Valverde. But what does Paul from Barcelona say?

"Been saying all week we would lose. We have real trouble against crap teams. It's all very strange. Taking the game to the opposition will be our failing this year. We'll beat all the good teams because it takes something extra but doing the ordinary."

Paul, Barcelona.

Wesley Sneijder

"Is Guti being punished for something the fans don't know about?" muse Marca. That can be the only explanation for Bernd Schuster's continuing insistence of playing the Dutchman ahead of the local lad.

For the umpteenth game this season, Sneijder did bugger all. To be fair to the midfielder, he is being forced to play on the right flank - causing him to constantly drift into the centre - but his substitute, Higuain, did more in 20 minutes than Sneijder has done in 220.

Real Madrid are in desperate need of a top class, inexpensive, right midfielder who can play in the Champions League. A bit like the one currently training with Arsenal?

Getafe

Two league defeats at the start of the year have dropped Getafe right back into the relegation mire. But Michael Laudrup is not ready to get his big stick out, just yet - in the non Ever Banega sense.

"We were very different from the last match," revealed the Dane.

Levante

"If we keep playing like this, we'll...." started Juanma. "...still get relegated because we're thirteen points from safety, have only scored eleven goals and haven't been paid in months?"

In a more a charitable mood, La Liga Loca would praise plucky Levante and their sterling work, on Sunday. But as the metro accordion player who now has to empty his instrument of wee knows, the blog is never in a charitable mood.

Víctor Fernández

Mmm. La Liga Loca is going to have to sleep on this one. A decision will then be made on whether there will be another voodoo inspired incantation, this time against Zaragoza for kicking out their coach. Or whether it was a fair cop, considering the side have not won in eight and are just two points from the relegation zone.

Osasuna

The latest team to be jammed in the revolving door of doom, that is the third relegation spot, after a disastrous 0-2 home defeat to Racing.

Recreativo

The worst scoring record in the division. It won't be too long before they are occupying Osasuna's position.

Good Day

Real Madrid

Marca's headline of 'the best winter champions in history (despite how bad they were, yesterday)' is a fair reflection of the papers' attitude towards Real Madrid, on Monday morning, as the stats show that the current haul of 47 points is the best of any side in the first round of a 20 team league format.

"I'm happy with the result, not the performance," said Bernd Schuster whose side have not played well at all, since the start of the year. "It's very normal in Spain, for everyone to relax after Christmas," explained the German coach, missing out the words, 'before' and 'during' from his excuse.

El Pais write that it was "Doctor Van Nistelrooy who turned up to give the anaesthetic to Levante," with his 10th and 11th goals of the season - the first of which was a maybe/maybe not penalty depending on your interpretation of the ball to hand, hand to ball rule.

Roberto Palomar, writing in Marca, is simply stunned that, "Ramón Calderón, a specialist in creating problems where there aren't any, is strangely quiet,"

And anyone out there who has any idea what Tomás Roncero is going on about, please write in. His columns are increasingly turning into gibberish code.

Markel Susaeta

A late scrambled effort gave Athletic Bilbao a desperately needed three points at San Mamés on Saturday night, but their plucky performance still can't cover up the fact that Joaquín Caparrós' charges are still not that good.

Two notable points from the game are that the midweek attempt to shrink the Athletic pitch now means there are two touchlines, on each side. And Susaeta has the most impenetrable accent La Liga Loca has ever come across, since José Antonio Reyes gave a press conference whilst eating a bag of crisps.

Thierry Henry

"Oh la la!" squealed Sport, coming over all French by praising a 'una noche magnifique'. 'Hay Gol!" screamed Mundo Deportivo. Well, there was goal once Barcelona had broken down a stubborn Murcia defence through Eidur Gudjohnsen.

The fancy dan Frenchman followed a perky midweek display against Sevilla with another on Saturday. The opposition full back wasn't in the same league as his opponent, which allowed Titi to top off a fine match with two assists.

Nevertheless, Saturday's opening scorer was the one to throw cold water over some of the Catalan crowing. "this isn't the best Thierry Henry. I've seen him play better games in England," commented the Iceman.

Frank Rijkaard now has some tricky decisions to make - aside from the daily gel/no gel dilemma. Saturday's victory was achieved without the likes of Iniesta, Deco, d'inho, Milito, Abidal and Messi.

The question is, does the Dutchman continue with "the revolution of the others" that Mundo Deportivo put down to producing the win? Or bring back the big guns of d'inho and Deco now that Samuel Eto'o - the King of Cameroon, as Bernd Schuster grumpily called him - is off to join up with his international side?

Christian Abbiati

Despite the cash that was merrily splashed on the likes of Simao and Forlan, over the summer by Atleti, it's quite possible that the rojiblancos' best deal cost nothing. Since Leo Franco was crocked - a keeper who never inspired confidence with La Liga Loca - the on-loan Italian, Abbiati has been magnificent.

His performances are enabling his team-mates to grab points, when over previous seasons, they would simply have chucked them away in comedy fashion.

"I'm just doing my job," said the humble stopper after a match when Atletico did not play particularly well but still got a win to lift them into third.

Villarreal

The game of Russian Roulette that is Villarreal's season continues. And this time, the Yellow Submarine finished the weekend without their footballing brains, splattered all over the wall.

As usual, on Sunday, it was the strategy of hoping more goals are scored than conceded that was selected. And this time it worked against Deportivo in a 4-3 win.
But only just, says Manuel Pellegrini, "that was one of our worst home matches," he complained.

Ricardo

Single handidly prevented his Betis team from throwing away a three goal lead, which, obviously, wouldn't have been in the least bit funny.

Joseba Llorente

"It's not easy to score three goals in a game, especially when you play for Valladolid," commented AS, rather uncharitably. But that's exactly what Llorente did on Sunday to swat aside Recreativo.

Racing Santander

Who needs strikers when you have the magical Marcelino as manager? Racing Santander are now in 6th - with a five point gap over Valencia.

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Anyone missed? Just click on comments for your say.

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The Fluffed Up Weekend Preview - Round 19

2008-01-11T11:06:00.000+01:00

You can catch - but only, if there is nothing else to do - La Liga Loca on this weekend's Extra-Time on Real Madrid TV, free to air Sky digital at 23.05 CET and repeated over the next two days.

Saturday

Barcelona (2nd) v Murcia (9th)

"Yes, to this Barcelona!" squealed a girlie-giddy Sport, after Barcelona's 1-1 cup draw over Sevilla, on Wednesday night, a result that was 'therapeutic' according to the paper. One person who wasn't so enthused with the performance was Frankie Rijkaard who took the rare step of criticising some of his starters, after the game.

"I saw three players at a lower level than normal," grumbled the Dutchman. Marca suggests that the not-trying trio were Iniesta, Xavi and Eto'o. Deco and d'inho weren't under suspicion, for once, as they didn't travel to Sevilla. Due to injury. Of course. And shame on anyone who suspects that the pair have turned the club's gymnasium into an MTV crib and ain't coming out.

"It's a lack of respect to doubt their professionalism," warned Carles Puyol who has been barred from the den, until he loses the perm. Home win.

Athletic Bilbao (17th) v Sevilla (8th)

The Basque battlers have a loose cannon in the camp, a rogue agent, a maverick man, on the edge. It certainly isn't one of their incompetent players, instead, it's the groundsman. Before the midweek cup game against Espanyol, the Athletic turf-tenderer apparently made the arbitrary decision to reduce the side of the pitch by a metre on each side - with the aim of reducing the effectiveness of their opponent's easy on the eye wing play and assisting the home side's horrible hoofing.

Espanyol spotted the old lines being wiped out during their warm up, made an immediate complaint and forced the restoration of the old dimensions, pointing out that it is illegal to change the size of your pitch, midway through the season. Desperate times, indeed, at San Mamés. Away win.

Sunday

Betis (18th) v Getafe (13th)

Old boy Joaquín was in town on Wednesday night, to score two goals against his former club and two goals to completely kill off Betis' pre Christmas mini-revival. The defeat to Valencia provoked the ever excitable Paco Chaparro to step onto his soap box and have a pop at the fuming fans, before later apologising for his comments.

Marca managed to collar Valencia's winger before he headed back to the mess at Mestalla to get his thoughts on the current situation at Betis. "The players tell me they feel they don't give off a sense of danger on the field," revealed the footballer who, let's never ever forget, was breast fed until the age of seven. "I don't see Lopera leaving, but if he doesn't go then a radical change is really needed." Home win.

Valladolid (12th) v Recreativo (14th)

Valladolid host Recreativo on Sunday in a midtable / relegation clash. But look! The Swedes are building a giant moose that will have restaurants built into its stomach. Home win.

Almería (16th) v Espanyol (3rd)

And a giant moose is about fifty times more exciting than Spain's transfer window. The rule that bars a player who has made five or more appearances for one club moving to another in Spain, means that the only imports to the Primera are unheard of footballers arriving on dodgy deals from South America. And normally involving Atletico Madrid. Eller and Cleber Santana, anyone?

Almería have signed two players to join their relegation battle - Iriney who may have played for Celta - and Guilherme. "Iriney arrives having been operated on and without a team," reports AS cheerfully. Draw.

Villarreal (5th) v Deportivo (19th)

An inevitable defeat for Deportivo on Sunday, will provoke an inevitable sacking for Miguel Angel Lotina, whose footballing voyage of doom looks set to continue. A last second escape from relegation left him blubbing his eyes out on the Montjuic bench, two seasons ago. This was followed by relegation for Real Sociedad and what is an almost certain relegation for his latest team. "If the president wants to talk to another coach, then it's within his right and I can't blame him," admitted Lotina, like a turkey in possession of an advent calendar.

Zaragoza (10th) v Mallorca (11th)

Another manager just itching to be fired is Víctor Fernández at Zaragoza, although a decent but fruitless performance at the Bernabeu, last weekend, might have given him a bit of breathing space. Well, about as much as you would get if you were locked in a wardrobe with both Ronaldo and Maniche. Home win.

Osasuna (15th) v Racing Santander (6th)

Two different sides with two very different striking problems. Osasuna have forwards coming out of their ears but none of them can score, leaving the Pamplonans hovering around the relegation zone. Racing Santander have almost no forwards but find themselves in sixth.

"I haven't forgotten to score goals," protests Osasuna's Javier Portillo, "I know they'll come." Racing go into the match with only two functioning forwards - Bolado and Tchité with Munitis and Smolarek sidelined. Goalless draw ahoy. Or a 5-4 classic.

Levante (20th) v Real Madrid (1st)

With the good people of Spain finally having gone back to work after a good two months off, the surgeries are full of perspiring patients attempting to blag 'a baja' - the magic document that gives you free reign to polish up your Playstation skills at the company's expense.

The reverse is happening at Real Madrid where the medical staff have been merrily letting players with one foot hanging off to sign for the club. Over the summer, the doctors gave the thumbs up to Pepe (crocked), Metzelder (knacked), Heinze (broken) and old glass legs himself, Arjen Robben.

This week, the Dutchman made the fatal error of sticking his arm in the air to hail a taxi or attempting to tie his shoelaces - an action that saw him break down again and miss out on Thursday's rubbish defeat to Mallorca and this weekend's visit to Levante. Away win.

Atlético Madrid (4th) v Valencia (7th)

One man who did not have a good time watching Reyes and the reserves grind out a Copa del Rey draw against Valladolid, on Thursday, was AS's Iñaki Diaz-Guerra. "The next time one of the Atletico Madrid reserves asks for playing minutes, Javier Aguirre should place some comfortable cushions on the bench and get a nice warm blanket for them." Oh dear.

La Liga Loca is expecting a much better game at the Calderón, on Sunday, especially when the prospect of seeing Arizmendi at full back is on offer. It may even take a camera. Home win.

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All blog content is copyright of La Liga Loca 2008.

The Return of the Copa del Grey

2008-01-09T10:31:00.000+01:00

Hip, Hip Hooray! The Copa del Rey returns this week with all the fun and excitement of Spain's favourite tv show, Aida - a programme where a permanently menopausal, angry woman shouts and hits people about the head with hilarious consequences.

The two legged system and seeding for the big boys means that there isn't a single non Primera league side in the final sixteen - a situation provoking one letter published in AS calling for an FA cup style contest and "a draw without manipulation and rivals from the sixth division." Fat chance of that.

The most least boring of the ties is Sevilla v Barcelona - if it was one off game, that is. Instead the two titans will hack away at each other for 180 minutes both this week, and next.

Barcelona are travelling without Deco and Ronaldinho, who are both sidelined with muscle injuries. 'What b*llocks!' says a lairy La Liga Loca to that excuse - without any supporting evidence, whatsoever.

But this is the sensation felt by many other papers - a sensation causing Frank Rijkaard to testily comment that, "it's not right to doubt their injuries."

Quite right. Why would anyone want to doubt the commitment of d'inho and Deco - the latter being a player so married the Catalan cause that he recent told O Jogo that, "if we don't win anything and things don't go well, I'm off."

Barcelona have managed to get written permission from the Cameroonian FA for Samuel Eto'o to join up with his national side, a week late, so he is set to play on Wednesday night and this weekend, against Murcia.

Bernado Schuster is continuing his charm offensive, this time by being interviewed by AS's Thomas Roncero - about as challenging an experience as being fed grapes by a tipsy Elsa Pataky.

The Teutonic titan admitted in a moment of introspection that he can come across as bit of a miserable bugger, but promised to turn that frown upside down - "I was over disciplined but now I have gone over to the other side," chuckled Schuster, strapping on the same pair of clown shoes that Wesley Sneijder appeared to be wearing on Sunday night.

The German coach went on to point out the differences between his own defensive system and that of his predecessor, although both appear to result in Iker Casillas being busier than a one legged tap dancer. "Capello defends in the area. With me, we pressure teams thirty metres higher up the field," revealed big Bernd.

Over in Marca, Roberto Gomez, chief cheerleader for Florentino Perez - although you really wouldn't want to see him in a crop top and miniskirt - has had a brand new pop at Cálderon and co.

Gomez berates them for having failed to comment on the death of an amateur referee over the weekend, for the injury crisis in defence and for the over exuberant stadium announcer.

"This would not have happened under Perez," he sulked, before sniffing that, "all Cálderon and his colleagues are interested in are results." Considering that Real Madrid have made their best start to the league in nearly twenty years, I'm sure most fans will live with that.

Meanwhile AS continue the fine tradition of assuming all their readers have taken the Hippocratic oath by reporting that Julio Baptista is suffering from "faringoamigdalitis." Sounds nasty.

The IFHS - a group of Swiss statistical eggheads - have declared that Sevilla were the best team of 2007, behind Manchester United. Oddly, Real Madrid are in 19th, tied with Atletico Madrid and some way behind FC Hamburg.

Zaragoza's Pablo Aimar has, like Ever Banega, had his groin given a good seeing-to. The hobbling hobbit went under the knife on Tuesday and is set to be out for two months.

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Another Sticky Situation for Valencia

2008-01-08T10:54:00.000+01:00

The internet has given us many, many great things. It is given us the chance listen to Manuel Ruiz de Lopera whenever we want and, of course, it has given us La Liga Loca.

It has also given bored footballers something to do when they are not driving into police cars like Royston Drenthe or flicking through Stuff magazine in the gym, like Ronaldino.

The latest player to do an Ashley Young and be in urgent need of screen clean is Ever Banega, Valencia's latest 18 million euro purchase - once Real Madrid get their two million dollars, that is. The Argentinean was recorded, ahem, relieving himself of some stress when visiting one of the t'internet's dirty places.

The man of the moment was at Valencia's goalless draw with Levante on Sunday and he knows the job in hand, ahead of him. The former / current Boca Juniors player is renowned for his hard tackle and is definitely his own man - two qualities Ronald Koeman is desperate for as he looks to Banega to give everything he's got on the pitch, week in, week out.

An anti-Soler protest organised for Sunday lunchtime by a Valencia fan group fell rather flat when only three hundred fans turned up. "It's lunchtime and Reyes," shrugged one supporter with nothing better to do with his time. However, things did liven up when a group of pro-Soler fans turned up for a session of finger stabbing and shouting with their opponents.

Barcelona's attempts to save Ronaldinho, or least increase his market value as much as possible, seems doomed to failure. The Brazilian has returned from the winter break and resumed his residency in the club gymnasium with a hurty knee.

D'inho has had just three training sessions in fifteen days, but is still expected to travel to Sevilla for Wednesday's Copa del Rey clash, with the plan being to coax the striker out of the gym using a pastie and some cash on a stick. Another player travelling is Thierry Henry, who a desperate Sport claim is "needed more than ever."

The Osasuna coach has come up with a bold new tactic to boost his side's flagging campaign. Mad Cuco Ziganda has revealed that, "we are going to have to die in every game," - a tactic that may well require a busy time in the winter transfer market and some adjustments to current players' contracts.

Nearly every paper in Spain - except the Barcelona ones - are heaping praise on Iker Casillas for his 9, 11 or 55 great saves he made, depending on which rag you pick up.

Marca's crack investigation team came up with the revelation from one of the goalkeeper's friends that when going to his favourite restaurant, "he normally eats meat. He loves it."

Iker, who has now gone 378 minutes without conceding a goal, has advised that, "I'm not Saint Iker. I don't like it. I'm Iker Casillas."

In other news at Castle Greyskull, it appears that the club's newly employed stadium announcer has received a wrap on the knuckles - with a metal bar hopefully - for his recent matchday performances.

The idiotic orator has been deafening the crowds by blasting early 90's cheesy house music (Snap!, for heaven's sake) at eardrum shattering volumes and interrupting corners by playing, "We Will Rock You," over the speakers - something that the players have become increasingly fed up with, too.

Levante continue their downward spiral with the news that a further eight members of their squad are buggering off and joining Marco Storari who left the not so much sinking, as seabed resting ship, over the the weekend.

In other news, Racing's Pedro Munitis is out for up to two months with a knacked wrist - an injury that would be very bad news indeed for Banega. Maniche is on the brink of joining Inter Milan on loan, having turned down three offers from the Premiership.

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La Liga Loca's Sack Race

Miguel Angel Lotina (Deportivo) - 5/1
Ronald Koeman (Valencia) - 7/1
Victor Fernandez (Zaragoza) - 9/1

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2008

Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round 18

2008-01-07T12:34:00.000+01:00

For the Spanish Thing's pounding of poor old Levante, just click here.

Good Day

Samuel Eto'o

You can't please all the people all of the time. And if you are Barcelona, then you can't please AS, ever. If the Catalan club lose, then they are branded losers by the paper and if they fail to walk off the pitch carrying the still beating hearts of their defeated opponents in victory, then they are branded even bigger losers.

"Barcelona played horribly," grumbled the match reporter. "They were grey and boring," was the opinion of Fabian Ortiz.

Samuel Eto'o is the man who knows best the approach needed by Barcelona over the next few months. "The most important thing is to win," said the departing Cameroonian who contributed to the victory over Mallorca with a fine late strike.

Saturday's performance was not a classic one but to quote Andrés Iniesta, they have played well on occasions this season, lost and looked like idiots.

"Jogo Practico," wrote Sport, just about getting it right. With Eto'o gone for the next month or do - and boy, is Joan Laporta going to whine about it - the approach for Barcelona must be to win by any means necessary, stay within touching distance of Real Madrid and hope Iker Casillas has a accident with a wood chipper.

Iker Casillas

Speaking of Iker, another astonishing performance from the super stopper to bail his teammates out on Sunday night - teammates who could have been four or five nil down in a match where they only turned up for the last twenty minutes. "We didn't play well, we must be honest," admitted the fist-pumping Ruud Van Nistelrooy.

Casillas' tally of nine stops makes it 82 saves for the season now for the man from Mostoles - a full 20 more than Levante's Storari.

"He is the most decisive player in the league," sighed Zaragoza coach, Víctor Fernández, who personally went onto the pitch to congratulate the player after the game.

La Liga Loca's Guti-o-meter shot up a few points after he trotted onto the pitch for Wesley Sneijder, who brought a whole new dimension to the word 'ineffectual' on Sunday night. A match changing turn means that he will surely be starting against Levante, in place of the disintegrating Dutchman, next weekend.

Espanyol

'A supersonic team,' gasped El Pais. 'They are serious,' wrote Sport when they got round to mentioning the perico performance on page 22 of Sunday's edition. Fourteen games unbeaten, 10 goals for Tamudo and third place in the league means that Paul from Barcelona hasn't been on the Night Nurse for the past five months as one or two suspected.

"What a performance !!!! Espanyol totally destroyed Villarreal ("torpedoed the Yellow Submarine" is too easy). A master class from Tamudo, De La Peña and Luis Garcia was too much for the much over hyped Villarreal.

The first goal after about 8 minutes was an exchange of passes between "the 3 Musketeers" (crap nicknames are de rigueur in this city ) and ended with a fine finish from Tamudo. 1-0 easy easy.

A great free kick from Luis Garcia, which hit the bar, rebounded to Valdo who volleyed home in an unorthodox manner. This was called a "fancy flick" in my youth. 2-0

More to come. A corner flicked across goal by Valdo, his best game for us so far, to an onside Tamudo who headed into an empty net 3-0.

All this inside 35 mins, game over player one. Villarreal hit the post in the second half with a free kick from their only player of any note, Rossi.

Espanyol were denied a goal which crossed the line. A shame really because 4-0 would have been a fairer reflection. The gulf between the 2 teams was really that big.

Hyperbole i hear you say, by the way how do you pronounce that word? But I'm guessing quite a few of you saw the match and you know i'm right.

1) Villarreal pass the ball around quite well but like a soft-core porn film they lack penetration. In defence, Fuentes is crap.
2) Return to form of De la Peña. He makes a very good team into a potentially great one (well for this season anyway)
3) Lacruz and Valdo, regular readers know what I think but credit where credit's due, both played well.
4) David Garcia, Señor reliable. Had Pires in his pocket. Not literally of course. Need bloody big shorts

Overall, yet another fantastic performance from Espanyol who are playing some fantastic football. Best in the league? Champions League is so close I can smell a Shaktar Donetsk away trip. Happy new year to everyone as well."

Paul, Barcelona

Vivar Dorado

It was footballing Law of Sod, that the man Getafe kicked out over the summer for being too old, after five years service, would come back to boot them where it hurts.

Two goals from the former Coliseum captain - never the most prolific of players, normally - capped off a great display from previously goal-shy Valladolid and handed out a veritable spanking to Getafe ensuring all the children the club enticed to the game with free pizza, will never be going back.

Luis Fabiano

Grrr. Just as the blog was about to praise the pants on fire Sevilla super striker for his 11th and 12th league goals, he does a 'Kun' and punches the ball into the back of the net for the opener against Betis. "It hit my hand," confessed the Brazilian.

The Spanish league desperately needs a firing on all cylinders Sevilla to give some zing to what has been a fairly flat first half of the season. The Champions League places may be eight points away for them, but with Villarreal and Atletico not the most reliable of teams and Valencia in free fall, a top four finish is still possible for Manolo's men.

Sergio Agüero

The Argentinean striker had not scored in six league matches but ended the drought with a lovely effort against a doomed Deportivo. "We've played better, we've played worse," was the feeling from Javier Aguirre after the game, but he will be pleased Atletico picked themselves up after a disastrous defeat at the end of the 2007, against Espanyol.

It has been said before and will be said again on the blog, that the rojiblanco's will never have a better chance of making the Champions League.

Murcia

A very handy victory from Murcia the first match of their centenary year. And another very handy performance from Swedish starlet, Henok Goitum, who is delivering the performances and goals that Baiano isn't managing.

Seven points in the last three games lifts Murcia to ninth and twenty two points - and gives the blog the chance to join in the one hundred year celebrations by sharing the specially written anthem with you lucky readers - an anthem that you will be humming for days. An anthem that will make you very grateful you don't live in Murcia.

Racing Santander

A slight wobble in their recent form is rectified with a 1-0 win over Athletic Bilbao and sees them back in the European spots.

Bad Day

Valencia

For Christmas, La Liga Loca bought a brand new pin to stick into Juan Soler's Voodoo doll. And what excellent value for money the blog's local branch of Haiti-R-Us gives.

This week, Manuel Fernandes spent the night in the slammer and the purchase of Boca Junior's midfielder Ever Banega was thrown into doubt by the annoying fact that Real Madrid have first dibs on the youngster.

On Sunday, Valencia failed to beat local rivals and bottom feeders, Levante and saw David Villa hobble off and Nikola Zigic sent off.

"Excellent!" as Mr Burns would say.

Deportivo

"For the first time, I'm worried about the feeling from the team," confessed Miguel Angel Lotina after yet another home defeat. A confession that makes one wonder what frickin' side the Deportivo coach has been watching over the past five months.

Villarreal

"An impotent submarine," opined AS on Sunday, although La Liga Loca is not sure that a nautical vessel can, technically, be impotent. Villarreal's problem all season has been an impressive attack and midfield paired with a truly rubbish central defence that has conceded the same number of goals as Deportivo.

Manuel Pellegrini said that Saturday's defeat to Espanyol was fair and life certainly wasn't made easy for his side with Rober Pires having to play upfront alongside Giuseppe Rossi, but in matches like those when your backs are against the wall and there's no-one else to call, you need a reliable back two - and that is something Villarreal are lacking.

Athletic Bilbao

The luck against the Basque battlers on Sunday evening, with one goal being disallowed when the Racing keeper seemed to carry the ball over the line and a great strike from Aritz Aduriz hitting the post.

Athletic begin 2008 fourth from bottom, just one point off Betis. Michael Keaton's men will stay up, but it could be a mighty close call.

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Anyone missed? Just click on comments for your say

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The Great Weekend Predictions

2008-01-04T15:02:00.000+01:00

Saturday

Mallorca (10th) v Barcelona (2nd)

"New year, same gym" smirked Marca, this week, in reaction to the news that Ronaldinho had returned to his favourite haunt after just a single training session. The Brazilian is set to miss his seventh league game of the season through injury, but considering he's not so hot when he does play, d'inho's absence may be more of a help than a hinderance to Barcelona in what might be a sticky Saturday night.

Frank Rijkaard's cunning plan to restore a festive cheer to a team that chucked away a 2-0 lead against Alcoyano, midweek, is a Secret Santa session where players will receive gifts without knowing who they are from. Sounds like the club might be one ill-judged corset for Ronaldinho away from a big old scrap. Home win.

Espanyol (3rd) v Villarreal (4th)

A Barcelona backfire and a win for Espanyol, on Saturday night, could well see Espanyol ahead of their nearest and dearest in the league table, by midnight. The chances of such an event happening have been boosted by Villarreal having to visit the Montjuic missing Nihat, Tomasson and possibly Guille Franco. Considering their defence is leakier than La Liga Loca's bathroom ceiling, there may well be a perico party in the Catalan capital on Saturday night. Home win.

Sunday

Getafe (11th) v Valladolid (17th)

To put it bluntly and to generalise massively, Spanish children are little sods. Noisy, spoilt little sods. They are allowed in restaurants, on tv, on aeroplanes and given carte blanche by their idiot parents to do whatever they like - especially at Reyes time. Getafe are giving free pizzas to any snivelling brat that goes to their game on Sunday. La Liga Loca never gets free pizza when it goes to Getafe, although it sometimes gets very, very bored. Bah, humbug. Home win.

Recreativo (13th) v Almeria (15th)

Only Godzilla him / herself rising out of the sea to lay waste to Huelva, on Sunday afternoon, could make this match between two relegation candidates vaguely watchable.

Deportivo (19th) v Atletico Madrid (5th)

Atletico Madrid are another club allowing children to run riot, by allowing a bunch of them to do a press conference with three of their players. As at least two of them will have the same reading level as their inquisitors, they should be fine. Indeed, it's quite possible that the little monsters will fare better than the adult hacks who seem intend on asking Aguirre and co, "will you finish in the top four?" every day, till the end of time. Away win.

Valencia (7th) v Levante (20th)

"Relax and shop" was the command that La Liga Loca saw on an airport information screen the other day - two completely contradictory concepts. Rather like 'good week' and 'Valencia'. Until Thursday, things were going reasonably well in the Mestalla mad house. The side negotiated a potentially hazardous Copa del Rey game and signed a new midfielder, Ever Banega, from Boca Juniors - a 18 million euro player that "is renowned, internationally" according to club president, Juan Soler.

Of course, this luck couldn't continue. It was announced on Thursday that David Albeda would be taking the club to court and hours later, Manuel Fernandes had a Joey Barton moment and ended up in the slammer after an incident in nightclub. "He is not part of the next squad," advised Ronald Koeman on Friday. Home win.

Murcia (16th) v Osasuna (12th)

Two clubs with just the league to play for after early exits in the Copa del Rey, this week is the polite assessment of this match. Draw.

Racing Santander (6th) v Athletic Bilbao (14th)

A whiff of scandal at the Sardinero, this week, with the news from Serbia that the former president of Red Star Belgrade, Dragan Stojkovic, had been nicked over financial irregularities including the sale of Nikola Zigic, who has since moved on to Valencia. "There's no problem here," said Racing president, Fransico Pernia. Home win.

Real Madrid (1st) v Zaragoza (9th)

Another team who made a right balls up of their midweek Copa del Rey match was Real Madrid, who were about three seconds from being taken to extra time by Alicante, before Guti popped one home to make up for a horrendous miss, earlier in the half. Aside from these two incidents, the returning midfielder spent much of the match sulking and shouting at Robben for not getting on the end of his over-hit passes. "It's a pleasure to play alongside him" beamed Arjen Robben a day later. Home win.

Sevilla (8th) v Real Betis (18th)

This match will be a real test of whether the 'hands across the water', 'best mates 4ever' pledges spoken by both clubs after the death of Antonio Puerta, will hold. Considering the most recent dust ups have involved a manager being knocked out and people nearly being chucked down stairs, La Liga Loca doubts it.

Betis big-wig, Manuel Ruiz de Lopera, is set to miss out on all the fun as he will be skipping the game to celebrate a local religious festival - humble man of God, that he clearly is. Home win.

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The Two Ronnies

2008-01-02T08:23:00.000+01:00

"I must stop making stuff up. I must stop making stuff up," should be the New Year's Resolution for all those at AS in 2008. That, and sedating lead writer, Tomas Roncero - a man who once blubbed on national television about his love for Real Madrid.

With little football to report over the weekend, the daily rag was in full transfer speculation / club destabilisation mode by splashing the sensational scoop across the front page that the 70 million euro Cristiano Ronaldo move to Real Madrid was a dead cert, this summer.

"Next season, I'll play in Madrid," is what AS claims the hot tub heartbreaker told friends recently, although La Liga Loca suspects that he fancies some action at the Coliseum instead, a club that "would have been in the top four," according to a tipsy-sounding Getafe president, Angel Torres, had it not been for the pesky UEFA cup.

Seeing as AS get most of their sales from sticking pictures of naked chicks on the back page, the Ronaldo story should be taken with more than a pinch of salt. But then again, the blog saw a fist fight break out over a fender bender, just the other day, when ten minutes of shouting and arm waving is the norm in Spain, so maybe the times are a'changin' in the home of ham.

All in all, the paper's - and therefore Real Madrid's - antic's have not gone down well at all with an irate Sir Fergie. "They don't respect anyone but themselves," fumed the Man Utd manager.

Marca and Ramon Calderon have had a bit of a drunken fumble under the mistletoe and are now holding hands, again. The paper ran interviews with both the potty president and Bernd Schuster over the Christmas / New Year Spanish shutdown.

"I want to listen to those who said Pepe was expensive," declared a cook-a-hoop Calderón, still gloating over derby day victory over Barcelona. However, the Bernabeu big cheese did not have to go too far to hear a dissenting voice.

"I think paying 30 million for Pepe was insane. But if we hadn't paid it, he wouldn't be here now," claimed big Bernd who said that Manchester United were sniffing around the pin-headed protector.

Another footballing partnership whose message calenders are not quite aligned can be found in the Mestalla house of horrors. Juan Bautista Soler held a press conference on Friday where he gave the Monty Python-esque declaration that the troublesome trio of Cañizares, Angulo and Albeda had not been fired but were actually being rested.

And this would have been all fine and dandy had Soler not been contradicted by rampaging Ronald Koeman, just hours later.

"For sure, they're won't be back because it's my decision not to bring them back," ranted the Dutch destroyer.

"Take the money and run," was the advice to Soler in a less than glittering Marca editorial on the whole messy business.

El Publico opened another another flank to the attack by reporting that the Valencia players hated the new regime with its crazy obsession with punctuality and team building. They also comment Valencia's decision to block accreditation to local journalists who may have suggested that all is not right at the club at the moment.

Another side to have gone a little Stalinist in their press dealings is Barcelona who have banned tabloid joke of a channel, Telecinco, for dragging some of the club's players into one of their gossip shows. Good for them, says the blog.

The other big news in the Kingdom of Catalunya was the complete lack of Planes, Trains and Automobiles style dash across the world from Ronaldinho on his return from Brazil.

The work-shy wanderer arrived back in Barcelona on time and failed to either skip training or try to leave early - an event that got the likes of Sport quite excited. Unfortunately, a couple of days later d'inho injured himself and looks set to miss the match up with Mallorca, this weekend.

Barcelona have been forced to step up their search for a back up keeper with Albert Jorquera tearing his ligaments during a festive friendly against the Basque Country. the stand-in stopper is set to miss the next six months of footballing fun.

Other transfer gossip has Espanyol's Francisco Chica off to Roma, having finally grown tired of jokes about his name.

Liverpool and Everton are after Valladolid's rather excellent goalkeeping wonder kid, Sergio Asenjo. Maniche to Inter Milan or Spurs and Deportivo's Dudu Aouate to anyone with a bit of cash are the other nuggets floating around La Liga's transfer toilet.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2008

The Lambs of Levante

2007-12-28T15:38:00.000+01:00

Her Majesty, the Queen, has been having a bash at Yuletide messages for over a half a century now and they are still tediously unwatchable to all but those who pen letters to the Daily Telegraph or get uppity over stories about local councils banning Christmas decorations.

However, this should give hope to Levante manager, Giani de Biasi, who attempted his own annual message of joy and inspiration to his constituents - and failed spectacularly. Unlike the Queen, he is unlikely to get fifty four more chances.

Adrift at the bottom of the table by ten points with two league wins and fourteen defeats, the Italian wanted to give a Braveheart style rallying call to Levante's fans and players, but instead waved a giant white flag of doom.

"Neither Mourinho nor Benitez could do anything with this team," complained de Biasi. "Today, I wouldn't give the side more than a three percent chance of staying up," he sniffed.

Also failing to disprove the stereotype that de Biasi and his country men are surrender monkeys with five reverse gears on their FIAT's, was Italian keeper, Marco Storari.

"There's no passion here, no nothing. There's nothing left," complained the goalie after last weekend's 0-1 home defeat to Deportivo.

Over in the orange and white half of the city, Valencia president, Juan Bautista Soler, has dragged himself away from his week long buffet-fest to speak for the first time about the recent high jinks at his club.

"I have been ill," he offered an excuse for his recent blissful media silence.

Soler later claimed that the three non-amigos of Cañizares, Angulo and Albeda have not been "sacked or separated", as most of Spain - and his own manager - seem to think. Instead the players have not called up by Koeman and nothing more sinister than that.

"I hope they can keep playing a part in the history of this club," said Soler who confessed that he was moved in a special way by Albeda's blubbing in a press conference. That and the banners by Valencia fans at the Zaragoza match calling for his gonads to be attached to firecrackers.

The Valencia president was talking a day after the club's second biggest shareholder and pretender to Soler's reinforced throne, Vicente Soriano, spoke out against the current regime.

"Koeman would last just ten seconds," he answered on what he would do if he had the top job." "Bakero would get eleven," said Soriano more affectionately about the Dutchman's number two.

Like Ronaldinho with a flapjack, Marca refuses to let go of the "Raul for Spain" story. Despite the endless tedium of the whole affair, the paper has published the supposed transcript of what was technically a private conversation between the two men at a ceremony to celebrate the paper having wasted seventy years publishing gibberish.

"I'm in great form and I'm going to Eurocopa," was what Raul reportedly said to Aragones when bumping into him. "You know more than I do," was Snowflake's fairly witty reply in a short exchange where the Real Madrid reject was probably asking Luis where the crapper was.

Make of that what you will. Marca has for about three days now.

Real Madrid have revealed the secret of their table-topping success and it's nothing to do with them being unbelievably jammy and everyone else being rubbish. Oh no, it's down to the side playing a flamenco-tinged Gyspy Kings song in the dressing room.

Giani de Biasi is already on his way down to FNAC, one can only imagine.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

Time Up for Christmas Turkeys

2007-12-27T12:08:00.000+01:00

Christmas in Spain came and went like a Man Utd player on a night out and for those players unlucky / rubbish enough to be roped into the now traditional regions matches - Andalucia v Zambia, anyone? - there is a wee break until the return of footballing action on the 2nd January and the oh so thrilling Copa del Rey.

But there is no break for Spanish football's besuited wheelers and dealers with the winter transfer window about to open. January is chance for teams containing more rubbish than Madrid's metro system - now in day eleven of a cleaner's strike, TB outbreak imminent - to take out the trash.

A nifty rule in Spain means that no player who has played more than five games for one club may play for another in the same season. This means that most transfer activity is restricted to footballers being shipped out to the freezing wastelands of England or being brought in from South America on dubious shared ownership deals.

In the interests of journalistic integrity, La Liga Loca would like to make it clear from the off that it will be in no way affected by the Xmas gift of a rather spiffy bicycle from those most wonderful people at Real Madrid in today's transfer rumour round up which will begin, quite rightly, at the home of FIFA's club of the century.

Lead by visionary leader, Ramón Calderón, the current league champions, slayers of Barcelona and purveyors of fantasy football are unlikely to be bringing any players in. And why would they, when they already possess a squad of exquisite quality?

To counter those blind and ignorant fools who suggest that a proper right midfielder might be useful, it seems that the only real movement will be the possible departure of Jerzy Dudek, who needs playing minutes ahead of Euro 2008 and Robert Soldado who just needs playing minutes.

The striker has only had 31 of them, so far this season, due to the supreme dominance of the all conquering Raul and Ruud partnership and has said that he will look at any offers that come in over the next month - including an expected one from Benfica.

Nevertheless, the forward has made it clear that it has been an honour and a privilege to wear the white shirt of the nine times European Cup winners for every one of those glorious 31 minutes.

The omniscient Pedja Mijatovic has quashed any rumours by commenting that Soldado will be remaining with the glorious champions-elect. "We want him to stay with us to the end of the season," declared his Magnificence.

It is almost impossible to tell what events will transpire in the Kingdom of Cataluyna over the next few weeks. Frank Rijkaard is unlikely to be sacked, firstly as there is little pressure for it in the local press and secondly as it would involve Joan Laporta having to do some work.

The future for Ronaldinho is a little less clear. Having been booed by fans as he scuttled out of El Prat airport on the way home to Brazil, d'inho may well realise that getting out of Dodge is the best option. However, it is nearly impossible to imagine his sponsors, agent brother, club and any potential buyer agreeing a departure deal in the relatively short time allowed.

There is talk - in AS, anyway - of Giovani moving on but this is almost certainly hot air from his uber-agent, Pino Zahavi, as he tries to negotiate an improved deal for his client with Barcelona.

As some eagle-eyed readers may have noticed, Valencia have been having the footballing equivalent of an Eastenders Christmas special of late. There is no change on their decision to boot out or 'retire' Cañizares of Albeda, whose lawyers are currently trying to persuade Soler and co to break the lengthy deal with the midfielder and also close off Santi's clause (boom, and indeed tish).

Old timer, Cañizares, has attracted the interests of Chelsea, whilst Albeda is almost certainly heading to England on a loan deal - with Ipswich the current front runners - before returning to Spain. From his many suitors, Atletico Madrid are currently hitching up their footballing skirts the highest to attract his interest.

The rojiblancos are expected to make room for the soon to be ex-Valencia midfielder six months early by kicking Maniche's substantial arse into the street.

Although the portly Portuguese Man-o-Poor has been an ever present in Javier Aguirre's team, this season, a refusal from Maniche to travel to a Copa del Rey match and other off the field antics means that he is out the door. If La Liga Loca had lawyers, they would advise it to say no more on the matter.

Sevilla's Andreas Hinkel is on his way to either Borussia Dortmund or Celtic with Nancy's left back, Michael Chretien, set to come in at left back to fill the considerable talent hole left by Antonio Puerta.

Their city rivals, Betis, have been offered Lyon's Brazilian striker Fred who is no longer wanted by the French league leaders due to injury problems and 'non-footballing' reasons.

For Betis fans, his arrival seems a more terrifying prospect than the current round of Burger King commercials which features a plastic mask wearing, eternally smiling Henry VIII lookalike. Which is really, really, freaking La Liga Loca out.

Andrés d'Alessandro could well be off to River Plate on loan, although Zaragoza have said that they are 'not selling or buying anyone'.

Hala Madrid.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca 2007.

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Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round 17

2007-12-24T15:01:00.001+01:00

Good Day

Espanyol

With all the fuss and bother of one Barcelona v Madrid derby buzzing in the ear, it was easy to overlook Espanyol's well deserved win against an entertainingly imploding Atletico Madrid at the Vicente Calderon - the Disneyland of football. Although they were taking on a side down to nine men, Espanyol looked dominant even when Atletico had their full contingent out on field.

"Espanyol were better with 11, 10 and 9 Atletico players," opined Marca. We'd have preferred to have played against eleven," confessed Ernesto Valverde, quite possibly taking the pee out of their opponents.

The pericos are now in third place, just one point behind their Catalan cousins meaning a happy Christmas in one part of the city, at least.

David Silva

A cracking late effort from the Valencia striker was enough to save a point against Zaragoza, a side who were 2-0 up. The comeback mixed with the evident relief in the celebrations from the players suggests that maybe, just maybe, Koeman is on the right path. Or he is nuts. Could go either way.

Getafe

With nine teams within three points of the relegation zone, Getafe's 0-2 win over Almería was a crucial one. And it owed itself to the Real Madrid connection of Granero and de la Red. Michael Laudrup must be tickled pink that the two club presidents managed to bury the hatchet - and not in each other - to allow Getafe to pick off the scraps from the Bernabeu table.

This is especially so when considering that the Coliseum boasts two of the worst strikers in the league - Kepa and Braulio, the latter of which was at his ball stumbling worst on Saturday night.

Sevilla

"This Sevilla was the Champions League one," said Manolo Jiménez. And hooray for that too. A cracking Saturday night's entertainment as Sevilla let fly against what had been the tightest defence in the league - although an injury to Toño blew that statistic, some time ago.

The hero for the hour for Sevilla was Chevanton, a player who looked like he was going to be booted out of the club, this winter, but may be hanging around a little longer after his free kick which was celebrated like the loon he is.

Deportivo

A late penalty against Levante leaves Miguel Angel Lotina's men four points off ninth. Which is insane. And which doesn't say a lot for the quality of the Primera, this season.

Carlos Vela

The Arsenal winger was the stand out player against Real Madrid, last weekend, making Sergio Ramos look a bit silly. And he showed why Arsene Wenger should be a very happy man, again, with his raking run against Mallorca to put in the pass for Osasuna's third. An odd first half of the season for the Pamplonans, but La Liga Loca expects a much better time for them in the second.

Pepe

Listen. The only defender ever worth 30 million euros was Tony Mowbray in his prime. So Pepe did well shutting out a has been Brazilian and a couple of teenagers? Whoopedy do. But then again, it doesn't mean he's crap. It is possible to be very good and not worth that much.

Valladolid, Murcia, Almería

All three of the promoted clubs go into the winter break in a neat little cluster just outside of the relegation zone. All three have shown that they are capable of staying up this season. But with the relegation battle already looking tighter than a nun's foo foo, it may be a case of musical chairs that sends one, or maybe even two of them down, come the end of the season.

Andres Iniesta

Just for being so good and the only member of the Barcelona forward line to turn up on Sunday night.

Diego Milito

The Argentine's effort against Valencia was the fourth consecutive match that Milito has scored in so far this season and was his eighth of the season. About the only thing that is working in the Zaragoza camp, at the moment.

Bad Day

Sergio Agüero

It looks like someone wanted extra holidays. Agüero`s second sending off in three matches came from a punch/elbow aimed in the direction of Espanyol's tenacious Torrejón. Javier Aguirre should make his surly striker train every day of the winter break, whilst hurling Christmas cake and turkey at him. He'd probably get Maniche joining in too, before his imminent expulsion from the Calderon camp.

Joan Laporta

The half time buffets must be exceptional at Barcelona as Laporta constantly seems to be late for the start of the second half of each match.

Real Zaragoza

A truly rubbish first half of the season for Zaragoza. The side have not won in seven, have lost more leads than a dog owner with ADD (Espanyol, Betis, Valencia) and if it wasn't for the goals of Diego Milito, they'd be in all sorts of do-do. A season restart against Real Madrid in the Bernabeu suggests that the beginning of the New Year will not be much better then the end of the old one for Zaragoza.

Mallorca

Still yet to beat Osasuna in Pamplona.

Levante

Oh dear.

Athletic Bilbao

Still rubbish at home.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca 2007.

Valencia's Night of Long Knives

2007-12-20T11:07:00.000+01:00

Like Sid James and Charles Hawtrey in Carry on Up the Jungle, Valencia's deadly duo of Ronald Koeman and Juan Soler, kitted out in safari suits and armed with butterfly nets and chloroform have been out capturing specimens of a brand new species of footballer - Valencianus horribilus.

And what success the pair have had in their recent expeditions! On Tuesday, the Valencia coach wheeled out his latest prizes in fridge sized jam jars and warned that there were more captures to come.

"I did it for the good of Valencia," declared the Dutchman pointing at the groggy figures of Cañizares and Albeda who peered through the inch thick glass of their new temporary homes.

"It's a strong decision but the president agrees with me," continued Koeman as he informed a stunned press pack that the two Valencia giants will never play for the club again, due to their apparent destabilising influence - something Soler should know all about.

However, the hunting expedition was not over, Angulo was told by mobile that his footballing services were no longer required and over the next few days, Zigic, Fernandes and Vicente are all expected to be told to do one, aswell. Once they can be found.

It's hard to know whether this move by Koeman is lunacy or genius, or a bit of both. The first two targets are known to be whiners and grumblers but they are Valencia through and through and it is difficult to imagine that they don't want what's best for the club - and that is to see the back of Soler. Hence the sackings.

The rest of the squad have been a little stunned by the latest goings on, with AS reporting one player as saying, "I wish they'd get rid of me so I can get away from this team and the madness."

David Villa's agent has been very quick to respond, advising that his client, "wants to be in a winning team, not one that's rebuilding."

Meanwhile in Castle Greyskull, Rámon Calderón has been a busy bigwig and gibbering away to anyone that will listen, ahead of Sunday's Classico. To counter the criticisms of him using Real Madrid has a giant presidential cookie jar, Calderón flew to Japan to the World Club Championships - just to have a nice chit chat with AC Milan's VP - before flying back to the Spanish capital, thus missing the final of the tournament.

On his return, Calderón boasted that the president of the Spanish Federation, Angel Villar - who is an idiot, by the way - called Raul, "the best player in Spain." On a roll, Calderon then proceeded to give the now famous boast that, "Kaka wouldn't get into the Real Madrid squad."

However, the absolute corker was his defence of the odious Ultras Sur. "I only have good things to say about them," beamed Calderón, praising the fact that the club has avoided being fined for any of the antics, this season. A bit like thanking a hoodie for not mugging you really.

Overlooking their recent threats to a journalist, abuse of Basque teams and charming Nazi salutes at last week's Lazio game, the Bernabeu bigwig commented that "their banners can be critical, but it's freedom of expression."

The same freedom expression that had security guards removing all anti-Calderón banners before last season's Betis Copa del Rey match perhaps?

In the Kingdom of Cataluyna, Joan Laporta has been complaining that the local Barcelona media simply aren't obsequious enough.

"I would like to get the same support in the press here, as Madrid get," finger-wagged the Camp Nou chieftain at the club's media Christmas dinner - a man who clearly hasn't picked up a copy of Marca, or indeed Mundo Deportivo recently.

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Keep sending your nominations for your side's most useless player and your futile defences of Pepe - 30 million euros! - to the blog.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

The Worst Signings of the Season, So Far

2007-12-18T21:26:00.000+01:00

Imagine yourself as the pumped up president of a Primera super power with 175 million euros to spend.

You could rummage around for a Ruud, maybe go for a Guiza or go flashy with a Forlan.

Or instead, you could spunk your cash up the wall on a shower of cack, like these clubs did over the summer.

La Liga Loca presents, euro for euro, pound for pound, blunder for blunder, the most injury prone, over hyped and under performing new signing side of the season so far.

Goalkeeper - Oscar Ustari, Getafe, 6 million euros

The new 'El Pato' apparently - but in the flapping, waddling and quacking department. Getafe's most expensive signing may well be out of the door with his webbed feet barely touching the ground, in January, after a serious of calamitous displays that began with two horrendous howlers on his debut against Valencia.

Centre Back - Pepe, Real Madrid, 30 million euros

Real Madrid fans may be clapping and barking like over excited seals at two decent performances against Athletic and Osasuna, but pinhead Pepe is going to have to do a lot more than that to justify his extraordinary fee. At the end of last season, the unknown Porto player was probably worth around a third of what Real forked out for him. One can only assume he learned to sh*t gold over the summer.

Centre Back - Ivan Helguera, Valencia, Free Transfer

Dear Lord. Yes, he was free, but the fact that Valencia are actually paying good money for Helguera to tart about in their back four, gets him into the side. His constant look of fear and confusion would be highly entertaining if he wasn't helping to hammer a nail into the coffin of a once great side, with his calamitous, 'this way to the goal' displays.

Left Back - Royston Drenthe, Real Madrid, 14 million euros

Clearly not a left back, despite Pedja Mijatovic's claims and clearly not going to be a Real Madrid player in January. Another, 'how much! For who!' signing from the Bernabeu basket cases (see Gago, Diarra), Drenthe's only note worthy achievement so far this season, was to drive into a police car at 4 in the morning, because his GPS instructed him to go left.

Right Back - Khalid Boulahrouz, loan

Equally as incompetent at right back, as he is at centre back, Monchi's legendary scouting prowess clearly failed him on this occasion. He merely needed to hold a photo of him up to a group of Chelsea fans to get an inkling of the uselessness of this particular Dutch disaster. Falls into the Helguera category, simply because of the extraordinary wages they must be paying to the Stamford Bridge drop out.

Left Midfield - Arjen Robben, Real Madrid, 36 million euros

One can only imagine that the half-wit doctor who gave the Dutchman the all clear at his medical, must be to sports medicine what Harold Shipman was to geriatric care. Chelsea's bosses must have peed themselves with delight when they got shot of old glass legs. And for money. 258 minutes of league football so far this season and diddly squat to show for it.

Central Midfielder - Manuel Fernandes, 24 million euros

Loathed by Ronald Koeman at Benfica and now loathed by Ronald Koeman at Valencia. Former Ché boss, Quique, wanted Van der Vaart to give a bit of a boost to his midfield, instead he got Fernandes who knew a good wage and a fancy villa when he saw it. Turned his back on a verbal agreement to join Everton and chose the good ship Valencia to park his overpaid arse on.

Central Midfield - Rio Mavuba, Villarreal, 7 million euros

Poor old Rio Mavuba must have peed in Pellegrini's paella to warrant the treatment currently being dished out by the Chilean coach. Arriving from Bordeaux with a reputation as the new Claude Makelele, his 3 substitute appearances in the league so far, suggest he has as much chance as succeeding at the Yellow Submarine as Claude Monet.

Right Midfield - José Antonio Reyes, Atletico Madrid, 12 million euros

Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine, whine. Can I have my money, please? Whine, whine, whine, whine. Having been banished to Highbury, Reyes is slowly working his way back to Sevilla. And doing so in some style. Hated by Arsenal fans for his constant complaining. Hated by Real Madrid fans for moving to Atletico and hated by Atletico fans for moving to Real after signing a deal to move to Atletico and then buying himself out of it.

Striker - Thierry Henry, Barcelona, 24 million euros

After years of pleading and prodding, Barcelona finally bagged their man - the man who was finally going to give Levante the thrashing they deserved. Oh yes. What. Were. They. Thinking?

Striker - Nikola Zigic, Valencia, 22 million euros

The stock of former Racing Santander sensation, Nikola Zigic has fallen so far that even Arizmendi gets a start ahead of the Serbian giant. Insults don't come much worse than that. He has more centimetres than minutes played, so far this season.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round 16

2007-12-17T12:09:00.000+01:00

You can catch La Liga Loca on Extra Time on Real Madrid TV (10pm Monday and repeated throughout the week, on Skychannel 446 ) or read its slating of Valencia here.

Real Betis

La Liga Loca has a new hero - after Guti, Pablo Garcia and the Spanish Finance Minister who said people were hard up because they were tipping too much - Paco Chaparro. He may have been pulled from a day care centre, he may be 65 and in his first top job, he may make Xavi look lofty and he may noticeably model himself on Mick Jagger with his dyed black hair, but Paco has lead Betis to two, yes two victories.

The latest against Almería was possibly helped by the opposition being down to nine (most unfairly) for most of the game and Betis winning a game of 'referee Russian Roulette,' according to Marca, but six points are indeed six points.

Samuel Eto'o

"Boom Boom Eto'o!" screamed the normally reticent Sport, on Sunday. And quite right, too. It is truly great to see the barking mad battler back on a football pitch and scoring goals - the only one of the so called fantastic four doing so, at the moment.

Mundo Deportivo warned, on Saturday, that Barça would be putting the squeeze on Valencia - with a photo of a orange being squashed, to make the point even more clear for some of their more confused readers. Valencia weren't even left with their pips after a very 'unapeeling display'.

Sergio Asenjo

Another solid display from the young Real Valladolid stopper, who could have picked up three clean sheets since replacing the bad arse Butelle, but succumbed to Negredo's wonder goal, last weekend.

Real Valladolid now have problems at the other end, which wasn't an issue before, but once José Luis Mendilibar gets the balance right, the new boys should be A-Ok.

Espanyol

Paul from Barcelona has thawed out and he is ready to bring us his report from the 1-0 thriller against Levante.

"On a cold, wet and windy night in Barcelona, most people made the right decision to stay at home. Espanyol were missing Reira and Luis Garcia and I bet Levante thanked God for that one.

Espanyol took the lead through Jarque. After his header was saved he smashed home the rebound. 9 minutes gone and that was that. Have a good week.

Oh, you want more? Well there wasn't anything. Did i say it was cold? Did you know there's an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie?

Levante are awful. They provide as much entertainment as Jim Davidson's xmas panto.
the X-Rated stuff came from their tackles. Apart from Riga, they are dreadful all over the pitch.

I spent most of the match thinking up gags about Levante's 23, Descarga. Instead i gave him a (Bit)Torrent of abuse. He lacked Byte in the tackle.

So 12 unbeaten and Atletico next week. Goals guaranteed. The return of De la Peña and Rufete will only make us better.

The team needs (Band) Width, Alvaro is an (E) Mule. I'm here all week,thank you and goodnight."

Paul, Barcelona

Pepe

Still not worth 30 million euros - but it's doubtful that Porto received even half of that - but the latest Real Madrid centre back looks to be very good indeed. But after years of expensive experimentation with the likes of Samuel and Woodgate, they had to find a good'un at some point.

A mind numbingly dull ninety minutes at the Bernabeu on Sunday night. Even the players found it tedious, "the fans were bored and so were we," confessed Ruud Van Nistelrooy who instead entertained himself with his 33rd league goal for Real Madrid in his 50th league match.

Professional idiot, Thomas Roncero, praised the side in AS, arguing that "to win the league, you have to do so in all forms possible." Precisely the same reason he and his ilk used to attack Fabio Capello.

Stefano Sorrentino, Christian Abbiati

Italian goalkeepers reigned supreme in the goalless draw between Recreativo v Atletico Madrid. The Recreativo stopper played a blinder to shut out Sergio Aguero - but he wasn't allowed to use his hand this time - whilst Atletico's stand-in has proved to be a very astute signing, especially with Leo Franco possibly out until March.

When probing an Italian expert as to why the rojiblancos have a perfectly good Italian as their reserve goalie whilst Lazio have a 50 year old man between the sticks, the answer was clear - "one earns 100,000 euros a year. The other, over a million."

Murcia

Over the past few weeks, there has been an awful lot of grumbling from the Murcia camp about refereeing slights. Some of it fair. But the relegation battlers got lucky on Sunday in their 2-1 win over Racing Santander. Pablo Garcia was fortunate not to have walked after a yellow for taking out Colsa and and a fantastically blatant attack on Smolarek, missed by the ref.

The winner came from a late Baiano penalty after a Racing defender punched the ball away and looked just as confused as everyone else as to why he did it.

Villarreal

The Yellow Submarine celebrated Manuel Pellegrini's contract renewal with a much needed - a win that keeps them in the Champions League places. "At the beginning of the year, I didn't imagine we'd be so far up," chirped the Chilean coach after their late 3-1 win away at Getafe.

It was a classic performance from Villarreal. Iffy at the back but with enough class up front to dig them out of trouble.

Bad Day

Leo Messi

Barcelona done gone broke Leo Messi. After months and months off carrying the side on his tiny, but brilliant back, the Argentinean broke down on Saturday night and is set to be out for the next five weeks with a muscle tear. Plenty of time to work his way through Heroes, series 1.

With Thierry Henry out - but maybe returning for Sunday - and d'inho an outcast, a lot of the fighting flair has been sucked out of next weekend's classico - a match that is looking more and more like being a draw.

Ronaldinho

After ninety minutes on the bench watching Bojan and Giovani being preferred to his good self, d'inho must be finding the recent offer from Middlesbrough, very tempting indeed - especially with the excellent garlic sauce kebabs that can be found in the city.

Kepa

Just no good.

Dani Güiza

Luis Aragones has put some kind of curse on the Mallorcan goal setter. Since his call up to the squad to take on Sweden and Northern Ireland, the former Pichichi now couldn't score even if he was parked up in Casa de Campo for a weekend.

With Pierre Webo now out injured it may be a barren few months for Mallorca after a bright start to the season.

Deportivo / Zaragoza

A 1-1 draw that saves both manager's booties, at least for the time being, but it does neither of them any good in the long run. Deportivo need to win home games if they are going to beat the drop and Zaragoza need to roll over desperate sides like Deportivo if they are to haul themselves back into the race for Europe, where they should be.

Lotina looks like he is resigned to getting the sack and it could well come next weekend, if his side do not grab all three points away at Levante. "I will go and understand it," confessed the downbeat Don, after his side's latest home flop.

Sevilla

Another failure to win away leaves Sevilla eleven points from the Champions League spots, a competition that they are doing rather well in.

Spanish Television

Spanish viewers were caught between the a rock, a hard place and a giant meat grinder, on Saturday night for the Valencia v Barcelona clash. The tv wars had lead to two channels showing the game - Telecinco and La Sexta.

If you chose Telecinco you were treated to a match where the cameras were in a different post code to the game and unable to pan to the corners of the pitch - a problem which also lead to their inability to show Etoo's second goal.

On La Sexta, the lucky viewer could enjoy the endless witterings of Andres Montes and his continuing inability to bother learning who is playing in the match.

Apparently his constant 'balón largo, largo, largo' is used when he has no idea of either who made the pass or who it is intended for.

TVE did their usual trick of throwing their expensively bought English football matches into the bin. Arsenal v Chelsea was advertised at 17.00 on TVE2, instead the channel opted to show a women's handball game and stuck the titanic London tussle on their digital channel.

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Anyone missed? Just click on comments or email the blog at laligaloca@yahoo.co.uk for your say.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

The Frosty Weekend Preview - Round 16

2007-12-14T11:05:00.000+01:00

Saturday

Espanyol (5th) v Levante (20th)

As Levante's bungling bosses have abandoned the concept of paying their footballers the old fashioned way - with money - they came up with another crazy scheme, this week.

The club managed to round up all the finalists of this year's Miss Valencia competition and let them loose at the training ground with the aim of raising the footballers' spirits with their winning smiles and tales of charity work. A disastrously energy sapping action that can only lead to one thing. Home win.

Valencia (7th) v Barcelona (2nd)

While the rest of the watching world is trying to work out if, when and where this corker of a game will be televised, the returning Ruben Baraja just has one thing on his mind - the fans, or rather the lack of them in Mestalla.

"If I was a supporter, I would be unhappy with the team, its performances and results. But they have to back us at these crucial moments," moaned the midfielder. His Valencia side will be taking on a Barcelona team looking for only their second away win in the league, this season, without David Villa. Which means they are royally screwed. Away win.

Sunday

Valladolid (16th) v Sevilla (9th)

If Sevilla's president, del Nido, is lacking Christmas cheer and looking to come over all Scrooge during this festive season of fun, then he may want to boot his legal team into the street without so much as a figgy pudding to their name.

It turns out that their so hot it hurts striker, Luis Fabiano, can be bought for a mere 10 million euros - not a bad price for a player with fifteen goals to his name, this season. The reason for this cut price calamity is that the club only own 35% of Luis - with one of those shady corporations owning the rest of his booty - a booty that will almost certainly be flogged should a Man City-esque offer come in for him. Away win.

Getafe (12th) v Villarreal (4th)

Michael Laudrup is a disarmingly friendly, funny and charming bloke in a footballing world full of Javier Clemente's. Which makes the fact that his Getafe side are the most violated and indeed, the most violent in the league, all that more peculiar.

Getafe are officially the most fouled side in the Primera, with an average of twenty cold hearted hacks a game. Getafe possess the most fouled player - Uche, who is currently top of the chart, taking up Guti's customary position.

Getafe also have the most sendings off, with an incredible eight - including two last weekend against Atletico and another in the Copa del Rey, on Wednesday night. The latest man to be given his marching orders is Cosmin Contra - the poor sap stuck in goal, last Sunday, and the poor sap who complained the following day that, "I would like more minutes as full back, than in goal." Draw.

Deportivo (19th) v Zaragoza (10th)

When the sports dailies reported that the Deportivo players were attacking Miguel Angel Lotina, they probably never considered they would have such an entertaining reaction from the messed up manager.

"Who said they have lost confidence in me?! Which one of you?! Which one is the great wise man?!" screamed Lotina at the gaping press gaggle on Tuesday. Once they had been stunned into silence and were staring at their shoes, he turned on his rebellious players.

"If some one's not happy, they have to show themselves!" he bellowed before inexplicably opining that "being gay, today, is a piece of p*ss" a comment that caused the club to issue an apology to local activist groups, soon after. Away win.

Mallorca (8th) v Athletic Bilbao (15th)

And so Mallorca's refusal to play La Liga Loca's game continues. This week, club president, Vicente Grande, gave an interview and talked in depth about building a new stadium - yawn - signing up Gregorio Manzano on a long term contract to ensure stability - YAWN! - and his ambitions for this season. "Our main objective is forty three points. After that we can enjoy ourselves." YAWN YAWN YAWN!. Home win.

Murcia (17th) v Racing Santander (6th)

Highlights of Murcia's matches are harder to come by in Spain than food that without salt, but apparently they have been royally, rogered by the referees, this season. "Often, they abuse their power," moaned Mejia, comments echoed by the returning Pablo Garcia.

"We have to play with aggression. We are too clean and the refs are killing us," said the man who the blog saw do the most blatant - and unpunished - elbow against Getafe, a few weeks back. "On Sunday, we have to go out with a war axe and win."

Pablo Garcia - La Liga Loca salutes you. Draw.

Recreativo (13th) v Atletico Madrid (3rd)

On a more serious note, Recreativo's Javi Guerrero had a bit of a scare this week. Whilst enjoying a relaxing moment in Madrid, he started to suffer from dizziness, needing a trip to hospital. Whether or not he was attempting the tricky task of breathing on Paseo Castellena during rush hour, at the time, isn't clear.

With the tests completed, the doctors gave him a clean bill of health. "I was a bit worried there, but they found nothing wrong," said the relieved Recre rampager, who is set to start against Atletico on Sunday. Home win.

Real Madrid (1st) v Osasuna (14th)

It has been the most peculiar of seasons for Guti. He has gone from being Schuster's golden boy to Schuster's golden goose. Since his tempestuous tantrum against Murcia which resulted in a red card, Guti has been cast out of the starting line up in all the subsequent matches.

"I don't feel like I'm being punished," said Guti on Schuster's U-turn.

The man who has benefited from Guti's agonising exile is Julio Baptista, who has had a remarkable reversal of fortune to become the star player of the club's recent run.

"He has set an example. He kept on training and had confidence in himself," claimed Schuster. "Unlike Guti, the big tw*t," he failed to add. Home win.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

The Return of Florentino Perez

2007-12-12T11:47:00.000+01:00

There were quite a few topics of conversation pinging between the hacks shivering in the Bernabeu during the second half of the Lazio game. After all, some kind of stimulus was needed to stay awake and not succumb to the cold during a fairly pointless forty five minutes of football.

Incidentally, the fascist Ultras of Real and the fascist Ultras of Lazio entertained themselves by Nazi saluting each other throughout the match and singing lovely songs about the greatness of Paulo di Canio. Charming.

Instead, the journos pondered topics like, could even Betis beat Lazio? Is it true that there is a player revolt against Koeman at Valencia? And who is behind Marca's never ending attacks on Real Madrid?

The answers were - yes, maybe and Florentino Perez.

That's right. The dark hand of the former Real Madrid big cheese is the man orchestrating the slur fest of recent months. The latest volley in this campaign was the accusation that Rámon Calderón wanted to flog Rául when he took over the Bernabeu throne in the summer of 2006. A throne that became vacant when Perez threw his toys out of his pram and stormed off, let's not forget.

For once, La Liga Loca agrees with the current president on the Rául issue. Calderón apparently questioned his technical team on whether the club were getting good value from their enormously expensive captain - the right question to ask back in the days when Rául was rubbish.

Marca rounded up a lynch mob to attack Calderón - "it's disgraceful that the club wanted to sell him," exclaimed Roberto Carlos and the paper then went on to (incorrectly, it turns out) accuse the president of shouting at Spain's Minister of Sport in a restaurant after an incident involving Marca's editor, a cheap arse award, Paco Gento and a plastic bag.

Entertaining as all this is, jumping into the journalistic bed with Perez shatters what little credibility remained in Spanish sporting journalism. Madrid must be very short of brown envelopes, at the moment.

Speaking of lunacy, the FA's arbitration board met on Tuesday to hand out Athletic Bilbao's punishment for their fans hitting Iker Casillas on the head with a can and narrowly missing him with a penknife.

The stinging rebuke was a 600 Euro fine, although the club did write a letter of apology to the goalkeeper. So that's alright then.

The board also decided to take back Sergio Aguero's first yellow card from the Getafe match - the most obvious one - leaving him free to take on Recreativo at the weekend. They also got round to suspending Osasuna's Puñal.

The Pamplonan midfielder actually picked up his fifth yellow card - the suspension tipping point - at their home match against Sevilla last Wednesday.

However, the buffet hoovering busy bodies did not want to interrupt Thursday's public holiday and Friday's 'bridge' day by doing their job, so Puñal was free to play against Valencia, last weekend - where he picked up his sixth.

Bojan Krkic will be looking to become the youngest ever Champions League scorer, at just 11 years and 15 days. Lining up to try to stop him in this feat is the less than impressive back four of Stuttgart.

There was a whiff of excitement in the Madrid press with the news that Frank Rijkaard forced Ronaldinho into extra training on Monday, after the rest of his teammates had gone to the dressing room.

With a face like thunder, d'inho was dressed in a José Maria Aznar t-shirt and chased around the pitch by an axe wielding Oleguer.

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Quotes of the Week

2007-12-11T10:49:00.000+01:00

"I don't go to the disco every night" - Although he does drive into police cars, when his GPS system tells him to. Real Madrid reject Royston Drenthe refutes his reputation as the new Patrick Kluivert.

"A lot of things happened over the summer, that you don't know about" - Mysterious Manolo Jimenez, Sevilla coach, on the reason for his side being a bit rubbish in the league, this season. And short of a session of waterboarding or del Nido giving his life story, he ain't telling.

"I get really angry during games as I hate losing" - Dangerous Dani Alves on his anger management issues, the cause of two red cards this season. He should move to Getafe.

"It's like I'm not here. It's as if I wasn't a Deportivo player" - Pablo Alvarez should be thanking his lucking stars, not complaining.

"Had I asked for a suspension, they would have said I was a mafioso" - Levante coach, de Biasi, massively overestimates Spain's organised crime definition, discussing the injury to Descarga, last weekend, at Getafe.

"I don't understand why there can't be peace" - Ronald Koeman unpacks his guitar for a chorus of Kum Ba Yah, after criticising fans for painting anti-Soler messages around Mestalla.

"My mother told me I'm the most handsome coach in the Primera. I believed her. My neighbour told me there are 15 better looking" - Deportivo coach, Miguel Angel Lotina, reveals firstly that his mother is either blind, deranged or both and secondly, that you shouldn't ever believe the papers. Possibly.

"I've done it a few times. But never in official matches" - Getafe's Contra on his twenty minute clean sheet spell in goal against Atletico. Ustari should be very worried.

"We tried it ten times on Friday. It didn't work once" - Alvaro Negredo on his incredible free kick goal from Sunday's match against Valladolid.

"I can imagine that people are not so optimistic about the Valencia or Madrid matches" - Oh dear. The proximity of Lord of Doom, Miguel Angel Lotina, has caused chirpy Frankie Rijkaard to go all introspective.

The Sack Race

Miguel Angel Lotina (Deportivo): 5-1
Victor Fernandez (Zaragoza): 6-1
Ziganda (Osasuna): 12-1
Manolo Jiminez (Sevilla): 20-1

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round 15

2007-12-10T12:26:00.000+01:00

Multi media update. You can catch the Spanish Thing's report on poor old Depor by clicking here. And you can catch it in action on this week's Extra Time on Real Madrid TV.

Good Day

Atletico Madrid

Hells Bells. To quote Iñaki Diaz Guerro in AS, "it's impossible to organise the chaos" of Sunday's 1-0 win over Getafe. It was beautiful, wonderful chaos. La Liga Loca's love affair with the Vicente Calderon continues. There may only have been one goal, but the rest of the madness more than made up for it.

On the football front, Getafe should have got the draw but blew a number of great chances. But enough of that. Sunday night saw 15 cards and six sendings off. The crowed sang 'Otra! Otra!' as the man in the middle lost the refereeing plot.

Sergio Aguero picked up two yellows for a dive and a handball. The second was harsh but probably born of his reputation. El Pato came charging out of his box, for no good reason, to pick up two yellows - "the second was fair,' he admitted.

Licht went for two yellows and Reyes walked for a tackle that the blog missed as he was too busy enjoying the sight of full back, Cosmin Contra, in the Getafe goal. Then there was the two reds for members of Atletico's training staff.

After the game, everything was a little subdued with no fisticuffs in sight. Laudrup and Aguirre looked like they had both enjoyed themselves enormously with the Atletico coach admitting that 'the match went mad.'

Samuel Eto'o

Poor old Frankie Rijkaard. He drops d'inho, plays Bojan and gets bollocked for putting too much pressure on his young stars. He playes Eto'o, d'inho and Messi together and he's branded as reckless.

There is a fair amount of criticism in the Spanish press today for Barcelona - except in Sport who drool over the fortress Camp Nou - simply because they failed to whack ten past poor old Deportivo - a side Real Madrid laboured against before winning 3-1.

The best news of the night was the return of mad Samuel Eto'o. The rough treatment dished out to him by the Depor defence suggests that he is fit as a fiddle, at last.

There is a giant season defining fortnight coming up for Barcelona. A mess up in Mestalla on Saturday and a rogering by Real Madrid at Camp Nou, in two weeks could see the Barcelona ten points behind their rivals.

Marcelino

The former Recreativo and current Racing Santander coach has now made himself the hottest managerial property in the league. Reports last week claimed that he will be heading back down south to take over at Sevilla, over the summer. As a parting gift he could leave Racing with the poisoned chalice of UEFA Cup football.

Racing's 3-1 win - the first time they have scored that many, this season - over Mallorca moves them into the top six. And at the expense of the Zigic possessing Valencia, too.

Real Betis

Curses. Just when La Liga Loca was gearing itself up for another fun weekend of Real Betis pee taking, they go and win. Away. With just the one shot, apparently.

The tragic situation that Betis find themselves in is that Manuel Ruis de Lopera has said that he will not 'abandon' the club while they are in trouble. But they will never be out of trouble while he is there. And if they do get out of trouble, he definitely won't leave.

Luis Fabiano

El Pais described the Brazilian's playing demeanour as 'the air of someone watching tennis at Wimbledon and eating strawberries'. All the more remarkable that he is currently the league's top scorer with ten, after a brace against poor old Murcia.

Alvaro Negredo

A belter from the former Real Madrid man, now at Almeria - a direct free kick flicked up by his teammate and wellied into the back of the net to beat Valladolid. Almería have quietly gone about their season saving business, over recent weeks. Eight points from twelve has moved the new boys into mid table with half the number needed to stay up.

Recreativo

A lesson to panicking presidents on what can happen if you show a little patience to your manager. A few weeks ago, Victor Muñoz was in deep do-do. Three wins from four now leaves Recreativo sitting pretty in 13th. Probably not for long, though.

Ruud Van Nistelrooy

There are still crazy English types who don't rate rampaging Ruud. His screamer against Athletic Bilbao made all the difference in a fiesty game at the San Mamés. The importance of the Dutchman to his club is reflected by the remarkable statistic that when Ruud scores, Real don't lose in the league. His 32 Primera goals for Real Madrid have contributed to 19 wins and 3 draws.

Real Zaragoza

Hard to know which section to put this lot in. 3-1 down after fourteen minutes - "when you concede three in eight minutes, it's a disadvantage," admitted Victor Fernandez - things looked very bad indeed against Espanyol.

Put then Ricardo Oliveira came off the bench grab two goals in the dying minutes of the match. Zaragoza still without a win in five.

Bad Day

Espanyol

Talking of Zaragoza, here's a very happy Paul from Barcelona who enjoyed the six goal thriller

"On hearing about the death of Leggy Mountbatten, The Rutles said they were "shocked and stunned" and it's exactly how Valverde and Tamudo must feel today. The great Espanyol xmas giveaway. 2 points to teams less fortunate than themselves.

After a 3 hour drive we arrived on a beautiful sunny day to discover a seriously crap ground. Think Highfield Road when it went all-seater. 1,000 fans had made the trip and were rewarded with the first gift of the day when an out of position Lacruz was out-paced by Millito who beat Kameni to open the scoring.

Then, in what was the best 10 mins I have seen Espanyol play, they destroyed Zaragoza by scoring 3 times. The first was a Tamudo classic. He was in hectares of space, cut inside a defender a curled a beauty into the top corner. Mins later Valdo (shocked and stunned, again) beat 2 players before placing, not literally, into the far corner. Espanyol were rampant. Reira beating the full back at will crossed hard and low across the face of the goal and man of the match Zabaleta buried it, again not literally.

Luis garcia missed a sitter that should have been 1-4. The second half started and Tim's fav Luccin was sent off and then tried to start a punch up with Millito. Couldn't get any better, long time Espanyol fans you know what's coming next.

Espanyol sat back and allowed Zaragoza back into the game, but Espanyol had plenty of chances to extend the lead but Zaragoza, with Ayala playing upfront, scored by using Kameni's weakness.

Crosses it low across the face of the goal, he let's it run and the forward on the back post scores. This time it was Oliveira. 2-3 only a minute left. Then walking disaster Clemente failed to do anything right. He had 8 options and chose Milito whose cross evaded Lacruz. See a pattern emerging? and saw Oliveira volley home from 6 yards.

Shocked and stunned. Stunned and shocked. Espanyol went up the other end and scored but it was disallowed for offside. Anyone see it on TV ?was it offside ?

Before the match I would have settled for a point but at the end it felt like we had lost.
1) Zaragoza fans, you got owned in your own stadium, it was Camp Nou Lite.
2) Cesar changing his kit at half time. First half: green and white. Second half :all Blue. What was that all about?
3) D'Alessandro has what can only be described as a sanitary towel in the back of his hair.
4) the pre match mag's headline "Victor Fernandez ! why don't you just go !" not exactly Morale boosting.
5) The motorway between Zaragoza and Barcelona is exactly like the track from Ridge Racer on the PlayStation
6) Aimar aka Frodo (Whoever he is) was disappointing, normally the second best player you see all season (David Villa in case you were wondering) was all over the place and lucky to stay on the pitch.

Espanyol have twice thrown away 2 goal leads away from home. This needs to be resolved, but when they up the game on Sunday they were as good as Barça(not joking) are supposed to be. Champions League is there for the taking. Zaragoza seemed disjointed,not pattern,over elaborate and lacking team spirit. Mid table at best."

Paul, Barcelona

Villarreal

The Yellow Submarine could have grabbed this league by the gonads now. But one point in three matches and Sunday's defeat against Betis...Betis!...blows that out the friggin footballing window. Sort it out.

Levante

The match that Levante really, really needed to win. Three points would have dragged them a bit closer to the then fourth from bottom Recreativo and a little bit closer to the nose diving Deportivo. But it wasn't to be. It's still too early to write them off, but results like Sunday's mean the quills - if people still use them - are being moistened.

Osasuna

Their wretched season continues. Despite having Portillo (don't laugh), Dady and Pandiani to chose from as strikers, Osasuna are desperately goal shy, this season, with just seventeen.

Valencia

More precisely a bad day for fifty-three of their Ultra fans who were detained at the Osasuna match attempting to start a riot. On Monday, alarming photos were published of the knives and baseball bats the hooligans were travelling with. Luckily the local police were on the ball, when the club wasn't.

The Yomus supporter's group that the Ultras were part of had been expelled from Riazor earlier in the season, for similar reasons. Other non violent fan groups had complained to the club that they were being given tickets, alongside the thugs, at away games. These complaints fell on deaf ears and will continue to do so, no doubt.

Sections of the Athletic Bilbao support must be mentioned, too - for throwing bricks at the Real Madrid team coach and for hurling objects at the visiting players during the match. Iker Casillas was struck on the head by a can, whilst a pen knife whizzed past him. There is no talk of stadium closures in the Spanish press, today.

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Anyone missed? Just click on comments for your say.

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The Big Weekend Preview - Round 15

2007-12-06T13:04:00.000+01:00

Saturday

Osasuna (13th) v Sevilla (12th)

Pity the poor, impoverished Valencia players. Not only do they have to suffer insults and taunts from their home fans - "they booed us from the 7th minute," complained one - but they have to do so earning a mere 20 shillings a week with a bag of oats win bonus thrown in.

"There are many players who could earn more elsewhere, like at Atletico Madrid," complained a gaunt and starving, David Albeda, alluding to Diego Forlan's decision to turn down a move to Mestalla, over the summer, and stuff his mattress with money in Madrid.

"If Valencia continue with their salary cap, he will never play there," warned the agent of long term target, Rafa Van der Vaart, a man who has very quickly changed his 'come and get me Valencia!' tune to 'I would like to go to a Spanish team!' Draw.

Athletic Bilbao (11th) v Real Madrid (1st)

AS's interview with the soon to be departing Jerzy Dudek was entertainingly predictable, this week. Amongst the hard hitting questions like, "would you like to play more?" and "isn't Raul dreamy?" was the old staple jammed in at number two - "do you like Spanish food?" - code for "do you like ham?"

Aware that Valencia's Francesco Tavano had to flee the country for confessing that he was not keen on the Spanish staple, Real's Polish stopper did the right thing. "I could live on ham," he gushed, "for breakfast, lunch and dinner." Phew, sighed a relieved nation. Draw.

Sunday

Almeria (14th) v Valladolid (15th)

Does anyone else think that Valladolid sounds like a good name for some kind of rectal-related ointment? Draw.

Villarreal (3rd) v Betis (19th)

Normally, Manuel Ruis de Lopera is the kind of guy you can leave your niece with, safe in the fact that he wouldn't sell her into slavery - at least, not for a good price. So La Liga Loca was shocked to its very core on Sunday, when it read that Hector Cuper and been booted out just days after de Lopera claimed that, "I've never questioned Cuper. We are very happy with him."

If it wasn't for down to earth gents like Ramon Calderon, this blog would have lost its faith in human nature, entirely.

Levante (20th) v Recreativo (15th)

A whopper for lowly Levante on Sunday. Four points adrift at the bottom of the table, they have a chance of a lifeline with the visit of an unconvincing Recreativo side. But their chance may be ruined by the fact that their players have their minds on other things - not in the Ashley Young sense - but instead, cash. Or more precisely the fact that the club have stopped giving it to them.

"No one from the club has called me," complained Riga, "instead, only my bank has contacted me about my account." A handy hint from La Liga Loca. Shout "what! No comprendez" back, in English. Throws them off the scent for at least a fortnight. Home win.

Zaragoza (9th) v Espanyol (5th)

There are two names tied at the top of La Liga Loca's managerial sack race - the old fella at Betis and Zaragoza's Victor Fernandez. Despite the club's impressive performance, last season, and the fact that most of the back four are currently crocked, poor old Victor has been given just two weeks to save his arse from being fired. Luckily he has Roberto Ayala standing shoulder to shoulder with him, "we have to be more together than ever," he exclaimed. Home win.

Racing Santander (7th) v Mallorca (8th)

To give an example of how dull Racing Santander really are, Marca's most recent news on them is the match report from last weekend. La Liga Loca is calling upon a plague of mutant bees or an alien abduction of Ezequiel Garay to afflict the club next week. Anything will do. Home win.

Sevilla (12th) v Murcia (16th)

Sevilla managed something, this week, that they had not done before. Drawing a game. So far this season, the side has yoyo'ed between impressive poundings and hapless defeats, with as much balance as Maniche and Xavi on a see-saw.

On Wednesday night, the southerners headed to Osasuna to play their catch up game and managed an average, that'll do nicely 1-1 draw. The Spanish football press continued their assumption that everyone in the country went to medical school by trumpeting, on Friday, that Adriano does not have a 'microrrotura en los isquiotibiales.' Which is of great relief to everyone, I'm sure. Home win.

Atletico (4th) v Getafe (10th)

With both Madrid sides having headed to Denmark to play mindblowingly unimportant UEFA cup games, there was plenty of excuse for stories of how the poor, never experienced cold in their lives, players would be in Han Solo style frozen postures, within seconds of running out to the pitch.

Unfortunately, these were stories ruined by facts - "I've played in similar conditions," said Cleber Santana, "I don't like it, but it's ok." "We'll try and run around so we don't get cold," boasted Thiago Motta promising an activity he should be doing anyway, irrespective of the temperature. Draw.

Barcelona (2nd) v Deportivo (18th)

Stuck in the relegation zone, as much chance of scoring as La Liga Loca at the Supermodelo after party and officially up for sale, life probably can't get any worse for Deportivo fans. Until Sunday, that is, with a visit to the Camp Nou and the possible return of both Deco and Eto'o, armed with hammers to bang the nails into their opponents footballing coffins.

"I'm very worried," puffed club president, Lendoiro, squeezing his stress ball. It is emotion shared by doom in human form, Miguel Angel Lotina. "We have to change our attitude and fight more," he moaned. Home win.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

Marca's Knee in the Knackers for Calderón

2007-12-04T10:44:00.001+01:00

Marca's 'Schuster to England!' and 'Ramos to Milan!' stories published over recent weeks were merely the daintiest of digs aimed in Real Madrid's direction, compared to what they ran in their editorial section on Sunday.

The daily paper went for a full on kick in the gonads by suggesting that Rámon Calderón had rigged last year's presidential election and was milking the club for every penny it was worth, like a starving dairy farmer.

The writer giving the hefty boot into the Bernabeu outfit was J. Antonio Abellán, who also went on to accuse the Real Madrid bigwig of giving away club memberships to curry favours and pocketing whopping great commissions from tv deals and player purchases.

"(Real Madrid) has been good for the personal and economic promotion of Calderón and his hangers on, but bad for Real Madrid," he declared.

All untrue, replied the defendant on Spanish radio, on Monday, branding those who attack him as "mentally unbalanced".

The Real Madrid boss claimed that he took no salary from Real Madrid and just claimed expenses from "when I travel in the club's name."

Calderón said that his income came from his old law firm and his wife's decorating business. "I live like a normal, middle class person," said the down to earth man of the people.

He also denied pocketing 40 million euros in commission from the club's recent tv rights deal or anything from Pepe's purchase.

Whats more, club super jet, 'La Saeta' isn't a noisy heap of junk, according to Calderon, "the airplane makes airplane noises, nothing more," bellowed the hearing impaired bigwig on the plane that is unable to fly at night due to noise regulations.

Talking about "mentally unbalanced" people, Marca's Roberto Gomez has suggested that Pepe is the 'heir to Hierro'.

The man who has the unenviable task of having to kiss both Ramon Calderón's and Fabio Capello's arse writes that the four matches he has seen Pepe play in has convinced him that "we are before a footballer of our age".

Incidentally, in the four matches he played in, the pin-headed Pepe has helped concede five goals.

More secrets have emerged on the reasons for Raul's recent revival. As well as sleeping in an oxygen tent, it seems that the Real Madrid striker is put into cryogenic suspension after each game. Sort of.

This being cheap arsed Spain, the striker is made to stand in a pool of ice after every match - a revolutionary technique used by other clubs for decades now.

Let's hope he has plenty of time to recover before seeing Mrs Raul.

The story did give AS the excuse to publish the fantastic story that Betis once decided to conduct the kind of experiment on its players than only astronauts normally have to endure.

Last season, the club shoved six of its squad into a cold chamber and dropped the temperature down to a fatal sounding -140F.

This maybe something the new Betis manager, Paco Chaparro wants to employ on his forward line. Just to cheer himself up.

Manuel Ruis de Lopera has decided to hand his latest stooge a contract to the end of the season with "the basic task of not going into the Segunda."

And he has a very good chance of achieving this aim. Chapparo is one of the hottest young managerial talents in Spain and has been tipped for the Barcelona post, in the future.

Nor really. Poor Paco is 65 years old and has been plucked from Betis B, where the only notably thing he has achieved in his career is to get them promoted.

One of Paco's reported managerial tricks is to force his charges to read Sun Tzu's "The Art of War". Unless, there is a version with naked ladies on alternate pages, he is unlikely to have much luck with this cunning plan with his new players.

La Liga Loca suspects that de Lopera just popped down the local Dia, grabbed the nearest dribbling geriatric and stuck him in a green track suit.

A fuming Espanyol president, Daniel Sánchez Llibre, has responded to accusations from Barca's Joan Laporta that he is infantile by commenting that "at least I never been stood in my underpants at the airport." A good point.

And finally, Levante's Iñaki Descarga has talked about being knocked out during Sunday's Getafe match, an incident he has fully recovered from, by the way. "I don't remember a thing," revealed the club captain.

Reports are now coming through that the side's supporters have begun smashing themselves on the head with frozen legs of ham to try and erase the entire season from their memories.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007.

Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round 14

2007-12-03T12:20:00.000+01:00

For the Spanish Thing's take on the Catalan derby. Just click here.

Espanyol, Barcelona

Messi a great player! Barcelona deserving to win! Has Paul the Perico fallen for the cutest of culés. Or just banged his head? Let's find out.

"Derby day. Barça fans crossed the city in their 10's and did their team proud by singing heartily through a minute's silence for a policeman killed by E.T.A.

A large crowd considering it was on TV, created a fantastic atmosphere but it was Barça who dominated thanks to Messi who caused chaos every time he got the ball. Well the first time he got the ball he ran past 3 players to cross for Iniesta to score..oh dear, it doesn't look good.

It was all Barça, Gudjohnsen !!! controlling Midfield. Stringing together was a problem for us, Passes for them sentences. Barça hit the bar twice in 30 seconds and should have gone in at half time two up.

But the second half, Espanyol came out fighting, so did Puyol who was trying his hardest to get booked. Espanyol started to pass better and while not creating clear chances were causing problems.

A great run from, the up to now anonymous, Riera and the ball fell to Coro who slotted home. Cue wild celebrations especially from the bloke next to me who nearly had a heart attack.

But rather than go for the kill (hello England), Espanyol allowed Barça back into the game and it was only thanks to Kameni and crap finishing, Yes you Leo, that allowed Espanyol to hold on for a point.

Overall Barça were the better team and should have won but then again i should be going out with Jessica Alba.

1) Messi was great. Even though you know what he's going to do he does it and makes your full back look stupid
2) In line with the current mania for Bob Dylan. The forgotten line from "Blowin in the wind"
"How many fouls must Puyol commit before he is sent off the pitch ?" was very apt.
3) Luis Garcia being barged over by The manic Muppet for a penalty. Looked like a clear one from my viewpoint. was it ?
4) Yaya Toure must be know as Gulliver from now on
5) The ref was as usual quite one sided..Guess which way?
6) Bojan looks like the Mascot who stayed on the pitch
7) Barça fans...throwing flares into a family section is not big nor clever..why didn't you do this Against Rangers. That's right they would have fought back. Let's see Laporta spin this one.

So i'm happy with a point and i'm off to Zaragoza next weekend. This week Messi, next week Aimar is there no escape from Tiny argies who are really good."

Paul, Barcelona

Raul

You would have to be the most antipático of anti-madridistas not to want to give Raul a pat the back for being back on top of the Pichichi pile. Yes, he is still sulky. Yes, he keeps doing the annoying name-pointing goal celebration, but the striker seems to be back at his best.

His goalie-dummying body shape for his first strike on Saturday was exquisite and the second was Raul's first free kick since April 2000. "I'm playing closer to the area," was the simple explanation for his recent revival, which began, let's not forget under Capello.

Athletic Bilbao

Holy crap. Despite Valencia being awful these days, the fact that Athletic are not much better and had not managed a win in Mestalla for twenty years suggested that a 3-0 away win was unlikely.

Hero of the hour was Fernando Llorente who has been the boo boy of Bilbao. His relief at his two strikes was very visible. And since when has Fran Yeste had hair?

Athletic's problems this season have come at home, with the pressure of the San Mamés home support resulting in just one win, this season.

Diego Forlán

With Valencia a slow motion car crash and Sevilla stuck in the mud, the rojiblancos will never have a better opportunity to grab a top four finish - something that their summer time spending demands.

A lot of their cash was splashed on Diego Forlán. Money very well spent. The Uruguayan popped up with a penalty on Thursday and his goal against Betis was a joy. The ball from Kun, the darting run, the chest control and his final strike were the hallmarks of one of the best finishers around.

Diego Alves

The stand in 'keeper for Almería was the first Brazilian goalie to play in the Primera. And he celebrated this debut with a cracking performance to keep out the faltering force of Sevilla and helped his side grab three very important points.

Valladolid

Maybe, just maybe someone at Valladold is reading La Liga Loca? Maybe not. The blog was calling for the hopeless stopper, Butelle, to be dropped. And so it came to pass. And so it came to pass that the home side manage only their second clean sheet of the season.

Valladolid's new hope between the posts is Sergio Asenjo - a Spanish U19 international and someone that Chelsea have been sniffing around. They won't be the only ones, now.

Osasuna

A win against Deportivo after three defeats gives Osasuna a bit of breathing space. But only a bit, mind.

Recreativo

A job saving victory for Victor Muñoz against the side he used to manage. "I was on the brink of a heart attack, at the end," confessed the coach after the 2-1 win over Zaragoza.

Braulio

A very, very close squeak indeed for Getafe who grabbed a last minute 2-1 win over lowly Levante to move them into 10th with four wins from five. An honourable mention most go to Rúben de la Red, but the hero of the day for the Coliseum conquerors was Braulio, a striker who was complaining all week, that the boss did not seem to rate him. Michael Laudrup motivational genius, anyone?

Bad Day

Real Zaragoza

The league table puts this lot in 9th. Lord knows how.

Real Betis

About this time, last year, La Liga Loca went to watch Betis in 1-1 against Getafe - a fairly unpleasant experience, as it happens. La Liga Loca thought that there was hope for Betis and that Javier Irureta was doing ok. Days later, he was sacked. Then Luis Fernandez was sacked. And now Héctor Cúper - 'un señor' said the club on its web site.

Perhaps they were all terrible appointees and deserved to go? If so, then only one man is to blame - the man who made them in the first place. Step forward Don Manuel Ruis de Lopera and Hugo the Huskie.

The Betis majority shareholder has apparently shelved plans to sell up and move out. There is now absolutely no hope for Betis. The is no light at the end of the tunnel, no dawn following the dark, no rainbow after the rain. Betis are screwed from top to bottom. And only the most insane or incompetent of managers will want to take over from Cúper at this most craziest of clubs. What is Javier Clemente up to these days?

Valencia

Now, this is starting to be fun. Attendances down 20,000 from the start of the season. Out of this season's Champions League and probably next's. Three defeats in five.

Quique has his critics, but he would surely be doing better than poor old Ronald Koeman, who is on a hiding to nothing.

"Far from stopping their fall, he's accelerating it," wrote AS. "We lacked courage and aggressiveness," moaned the Dutch coach on two qualities possessed by David Albeda. The same Albeda that Koeman left on the bench.

Sevilla

Before the weekend, Manuel Jiménez expressed concerns that the Champions League was a distraction for Sevilla. He is right. Before the season started, many suggested that a top four would be a tall order for the UEFA cup champions. Few suspected that it would be a bottom four finish instead.

"Our reality now is not the Champions, nor the league, nor UEFA but it is moving up the table," said Vincenzo Maresca on his team, which has now lost four matches from five. The most recent was the 1-0 reverse against Almería - a reverse that left Jiménez 'pretty angry'.

Iñaki Descarga

A very bad day at the office for the Levante captain. Firstly he was nearly knocked unconscious by attempting to block a shot with his head. But the job was done minutes later when de la Red crashed into the defender, knocking him out cold and giving everyone watching a very worrying ten minutes.

Fortunately, Descarga made a recovery in hospital with the doctors advising that his life was never in any danger.

Deportivo

A combination of a 'flu afflicted squad combined with that squad being rubbish leaves Deportivo in the relegation zone.

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Anyone missed? Just click on comments or email the blog at laligaloca@yahoo.co.uk

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

The Bumper Weekend Preview

2007-11-30T11:31:00.000+01:00

Saturday

Almeria (14th) v Sevilla (10th)

Enjoying your trips to the Sánchez Pizjuán? Well, enjoy them while they last, as soon you will be eating your bird food in the Sánchez Pizjuán Burger King Arena. Or something. Club president, del Nido, has taken note of the 100 million quid Arsenal got for whoring their stadium name to an airline company and decided that he fancies a bit of the loot, too. But in order not to mess with tradition, the Sánchez Pizjuán title will remain - but with a sponsor's name jammed onto the end. Away win.

Real Madrid (1st) v Racing Santander (7th)

We learned a lot about Bernd Schuster, this week. He is apparently Germany's answer to Tim Westwood, by confessing to liking hip-hop before everyone else in Europe. La Liga Loca will test this claim one day by asking if he has Eric B and Rakim's seminal work 'Paid in Full' in his collection. If not, he is one dope mutha.

The German also drives a Hummer, "I like big cars," and he hates losing - something his team have been doing a lot of recently. "It is the worst day of my life when we do."

"We made it easy for them," thundered Bernd after their latest defeat, this time against Werder Bremen. "Especially Marcelo. T*sser," he failed to add.

A big thank you to 'man of the people', Ramon Calderón, who saw that his poorly, inexpensively-assembled squad were all tiredy wiredy and asked the league to move Saturday's Racing match to Sunday thus screwing his own fans, the 1,200 visiting supporters and the opposition. Luckily the league told him to go spin on it. Draw.

Espanyol (4th) v Barcelona (3rd)

With both Eto'o and Henry crocked, Barcelona's attack is reduced to man who cannot be arsed - Ronaldinho, a youngster on a YTS scheme - Bojan and a player needing a step ladder whenever he wants to buy porn - Messi.

Should any more of their players get injured against Espanyol, then they will get very little sympathy from the home side, who have warned that they will not be booting the ball out, should an opposition player collapse dramatically to the ground. Yes, you Giovani.

This is the away game where we are going to see the 'going out from the beginning to win' Barcelona, according to Xavi. The words 'see' 'to' 'believe' spring to mind. Draw.

Sunday

Valladolid (15th) v Villarreal (2nd)

A player that La Liga Loca could have told Valladolid was rubbish has been on the receiving end of some criticism, this week. The man in question is Ludicrous Butelle - a one man French farce. The gaffe-ridden goalie has seen 26 goals whizz past his head, this season, only one less than Levante.

But he still has the backing of his teammates - at least one of them, anyway. "I hope he is supported from beginning to the end," declared Victor, a striker currently working his booty off to cover up his colleague's blunders. Away win.

Getafe (11th) v Levante (20th)

UEFA cup losers - "I can't take anything positive from that game" (Michael Laudrup) v's 'in form' Levante. 'In form' you may scoff? Indeed. Three wins from four is the current Levante record. All be it one win against Betis and two against Almeria. Home win.

Recreativo (18th) v Zaragoza (9th)

If you are on the hunt for a man filled with the Corinthian values of sportsmanship, fair play and jolly hockey sticks, then you wouldn't normally knock at the door of Zaragoza midfielder, Andrés d'Alessandro.

Getafe's el Pato found that out to his cost, last weekend, when the Argentinean took advantage of the keeper having a chat with the man in the middle to plop a free kick into an empty net.

"The referee blew his whistle and I shot. It's easier when the goalkeeper isn't there," shrugged the 14 year old hotshot.

Deportivo (16th) v Osasuna (17th)

Due to the fall out from the whole Enron business, there are a lot of out of work accountants knocking around the globe at the moment. They should head to La Coruña, as club president, Lendoiro is looking for an auditor to sign off his books as his last one refused to do so. Alternatively, he may want to bring in the one who works at Betis.

AS reports that a previous auditor took the club to court when they allegedly forged his signature. La Liga Loca was unaware that was illegal, in Spain. Home win.

Mallorca (9th) v Murcia (13th)

Aside from Pablo Garcia still being injured and Mallorca considering signing Greg Manzano till 2009, bugger all happened at these two clubs, this week. They should be ashamed of themselves. Home win.

Betis (19th) v Atletico Madrid (5th)

Ever wondered what it is like to defend against Atletico's titanic trio of Forlan, Kun and Maxi? La Liga Loca found out on Thursday when probing Aberdeen defender and all round top fella, Richie Byrne, after their UEFA cup match.

"It's their movement, it's amazing. They really are sharp. They wait and wait and then they're gone. You can see them and you know what they are going to do," said the Irish full back.

And if he could only choose one for his team? After some contemplation the answer was Maxi, "He's classy, he's good on the ball. He's very clever. He can pass and he can score. He has the lot." "Motta was excellent," he added.

A special mention to AS writer, Vicente Carreño. "Aberdeen are a small team. They are primitive," he wrote on Friday. A-Hole. 'Tis true that they may not be able to blow 70 million euros on players, every summer, but at least they don't pay annual tribute to Jesus Gil, one of the most unpleasant men to have ever waddled on this earth.

Valencia (lowly 6th) v Athletic (12th)

Since sacking Quique, Valencia have dropped down the league, blown their European chances and have seen their crowd numbers plummet. How d'ya like them apples, Soler? Away win.

Worth Watching - If you like your Spanish footie, then a show on Real Madrid tv, repeated on Saturday is worth catching - called 'the Match'. Like a Spanish Footie Focus, but better. On every week.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

The Quotes of the Week

2007-11-28T17:05:00.000+01:00

"I call for applause for all women, as they are very important in the lives of men" - 'Women, know your limits!' says Ramon Calderón, as he thanks the fairer sex for making dinner and doing the ironing.

"I see a tremendous hunger in the dressing room" - Yet again, Maniche polishes off the Atlético buffet before the portly player's teammates can get to it.

"There are people who earn 800 or 1000 euros a month who take the bread from their children to buy their tickets" - Prospective Levante buyer, Bayram Tutumlu, disses current president, Pedro Villarroel, for calling the fans 'morons'. La Liga Loca is more concerned that people are apparently starving their offspring to death just to watch Levante.

"If you or anyone else speaks out, you will get nothing" - Just so the players aren't feeling left out, Villarroel then sent this SMS to the club's captains.

"A lot of people are knocking at the door" - Betis bigwig, Manuel Ruis de Lopera, is either talking about bailiffs or those wanting to buy his stake in the club. Or maybe both.

"We feel more comfortable than we did before" - Deportivo's, Manuel Pablo, speaking days before feeling considerably less so, when he had to duck out of the match to drop the kids off at the pool. "I couldn't hold it in any longer," he confessed.

"Just a few words to congratulate you on your Gala, it was so wonderful!" - Stomach churning reader's letter published in AS after their 25 page 'Noche de Ases' vomit fest.

"He's done a great job and he keeps on doing it" - Raul is full of big man love for Frank Rijkaard. Or taking the pee.

"Are we going to keep thinking England is the land of Fair Play?" - Marca editorial and probably the only paper to report the highly dodgy Schuster to England story. And continuing to do so.

"Daddy! That's not Iker!" - terrified child seeing Casillas' Bodysnatchers-esque lookalike in Madrid's House of Wax.

"He's responsible, mature with a great capacity for analysis and clear thinking" - Joan Laporta on his appointment of club suit, Marc Ingla, as his new Sporting VP. Ingla was the former Marketing VP - a man sure to win the players' respect.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007.

Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round 13

2007-11-26T12:17:00.000+01:00

Good Day

Racing Santander

They may a little bleak to watch, but by humbug are they effective. Less goals scored than Betis, but a defence that Pele, Maradona and Steve Whitton in their prime, could not crack.

"They only gave us half a chance. I'm happy," commented the minimalist Marcelino on the 1-0 win over Valencia, that puts them into 7th spot, just one behind the multi million pound losers they played on Sunday.

Espanyol

"Nine unbeaten! A Champions League spot! Valdo on crazy runs! Have Espanyol made a pact with the devil? Let's find out from Paul from Barcelona who was at the 1-2 win at a chilly Osasuna.

A 4 hour Drive to "Running with the Bulls" city Pamplona (actually we were "Running away from The Bull" of Bojan's "Wonder Goal" Thank you Mundo Deportivo) is not the most exciting but Espanyol's 9 match unbeaten run is.

They played very well today especially in the first half. A well worked team goal saw us go ahead with a fine finish from Angel. This kid is going to be a really good player for us. He's one of our unsung Youth team Discoveries..Unsung means you don't put a load of superlatives before their names Barça fans.

Then something incredible happened, Valdo, who had created the first goal, scored with a fantastic individual goal. A great one-two,then he turned Puñal inside out (Would that make him Lañup ?) before blasting the ball into the net against his old team. If he played like this every week even i would get off his case.

Osasuna came out fighting and Vela made a big difference for them. Like a moth to a candle flame (lame Spanish Joke) he went for Espanyol's goal.

Vela "sailed" past a defender to cross for an unmarked Portillo to head home.
After that Espanyol were hanging on and thanks, yet again, to Kameni they held on.

Overall, the better team won but maybe a draw would have been fairer.

Osasuna have problems. Normally they are very strong at home and they need to start picking up points quickly. I think they will survive. Good atmosphere as always in the stadium.

So bring 'em next Saturday. If we beat them we go above them in the league..Yes Boys and Girls it's Derby time"

Paul, Barcelona

Fernando Varela

La Liga Loca wants what Mallorca's roasting - in the footballing sense - right midfielder is on. After his rocket against Real Madrid, a fortnight ago, Varela scored a screamer against Sevilla to seal their 1-2 victory. And to make the night even more memorable, the former Betico got himself sent off, as well. Great stuff.

Atlético Madrid

Wonderful, wonderful, Atlético Madrid. Just click here to read all about it.

Levante

Players unpaid, 'star' striker suspended, president threatening his staff and insulting the fans. Of course, Levante came back from 2-0 down to beat Real Betis, 4-3. Football can be odd sometimes.

Levante have now won three from four in cup and league. Maybe, just maybe they will get themselves out of this. Paying the players is a crazy plan that might just work to start the ten step path to recovery.

Leo Messi

The boy wonder looked outstanding on Saturday night - all be it against Recreativo, where even Marcelo would look half decent. The big question is how long he can keep on carrying his side through games, with Henry still not contributing with enough goals and d'inho too tired to play, but fine to train the next morning - for the first time in sixteen days.

Having played constantly for his club and Argentina since August, Messi could probably do with a bit of Playstation time. But with away trips to the Montjuic and Mestalla as Barca's next two league matches, Rijkaard is unlikely to be brave enough to give it to him.

Bad Day

Valencia

Ha! Ha! and indeed Ha! Ronald Koeman's one and only innovative change at the Mestalla is having made the players share rooms on away trips. "Their goal arrived when we were playing best," said the Dutch manager, on the 1-0 defeat at Racing - a match Quique would have won. Maybe.

Villarreal

Bottlers. Again. "We have the ambition to finish as leaders, but we have to show this on the pitch," said Pellegrini after the match. Quite right. Villarreal may well have lost their innocence that meant opposition teams perhaps did not take them seriously.

Guti

Just loving Guti at the moment. He was Real Madrid's one and only decent performer on Saturday night against Murcia, however his previously under control temper got the better of him and he lashed out at an opposition player for his ninth red card of his career.

La Liga Loca has some sympathy with him. The midfielder has one been of the most fouled players in the league for some time. Indeed, he was the number one player for provoking yellows and reds, last season. He is currently hacked down every twenty seven minutes. As Real Madrid's one and only source of midfield inspiration at the moment, it's clear to see why. Plus, it's great fun to watch.

"I'm tired of being booted about," ranted Guti, "But I can only apologise for what happened and keep working hard."

Saviola, Baptista, Soldado, Drenthe

All players brought in / back over the summer. And all being completely overlooked by England's Bernd Schuster.

Real Betis

Just read the despair in the comment from poor old Kent in Portland, from Friday's blog. A two goal lead blown. Coming back from 3-2 down to equalise with a goal from Pavone with the words 'oil tanker' and 'turning circle' springing to mind. But most of all, conceding four goals. To Levante!

Sevilla

Really needing a good performance against Arsenal, this week, to stop their season dribbling away to oblivion. From the highlights, it looked as if Sevilla were a little unlucky in the 2-1 defeat to Mallorca, with Lux having a blinder in the opposition net. However, two defeats in the last four is not pretty reading. And nor is the ten point difference between them and Espanyol in fourth.

El Pato

Like Cañizares, another goalkeeping old timer having a rough time, this weekend, was Getafe's el Pato who blew two points for his side against Zaragoza. Considering he has saved them about fifty, in the past, La Liga Loca forgives him.

In the 80th minute, el Pato ran up to the referee whilst d'Alessandro was waiting to take a free kick, to ask for time for the recently substituted Pallardo to get into the box. Unfortunately for Getafe, the whistle went and the Zaragoza midfielder booted the ball into the back of an empty net to make it 1-1.

"I shouldn't have made the change then," admitted Michael Laudrup after the game.

Zaragoza

Whither Zaragoza? Just one point picked up in their last three matches.

Athletic Bilbao

2-0 up against Deportivo and the Basques were well on their way to just their second home win of the season. A free kick from Riki and a last minute header from Taborda blew that right out of the window, though.

Miguel Angel Lotina

The emotion of the occasion, the fact that he is a miserable old bugger or perhaps something else, meant that the Deportivo manager had to abandon his press conference to have a bit of a blub. "The San Mamés is where I have heard the most personal insults," sobbed the coach. He should try being in Guti's boots the next time he is up Athletic's way.

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Anyone missed? just click on comments for your say.

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The Big Weekend Preview - Round 13

2007-11-23T12:35:00.000+01:00

Saturday

Barcelona (3rd) v Recreativo (18th)

BOOM!!! No, that's not the sound of La Liga Loca's Eurovision Football365 wind up falling completely flat, but the the crash landing of Edmilson's shocking outburst, this week.

The cranky crocked Brazilian midfielder tore a new one into his teammates by suggesting that some players were perhaps not giving it their all, at the moment.

"I'm going to train quickly as I have to meet someone, or do an ad", was the mentality of some, according to Edmilson. "Puyol needs to grab some of them by the neck," he later suggested.

The man chosen to give the barn rattling Brazilian a spanking for his outburst is Andres Iniesta, with neither Puyol, nor Xavi fancying the task. "We are repeating all the same things as last year," sighed the Ant&Dec hybrid. Home win.

Sevilla (10th) v Mallorca (9th)

A week of highs and lows for dazzling Dani Güiza, this week. The man from Mallorca got to make is dreamed off debut for Spain and he is expecting - or rather his partner is - his first baby, any day now. But this happiness has been dashed by the loss of his suitcase by an airline company - a suitcase containing the shirt he wore for Spain against Northern Ireland. Home win.

Murcia (13th) v Real Madrid (1st)

"A Night of ASES' screamed one particular Spanish football daily on its cover, on Friday - a headline sure to bring a snigger from the childish side of La Liga Loca. The reason for this hyperbole was the full twenty five frickin' page report of their stupid awards dinner featuring a 'far too old for that dress' Paulina Rubio.

The big footballing winner of an 'AS' was, of course, Raul who picked up his trophy for being the best all round, supreme being in the world. And as La Liga Loca genuinely has a lot of time for the fella, good for him. Away win.

Sunday

Villarreal (2nd) v Almería (16th)

The days of leaf gathering for Roman Riquelme may well be coming to an end. Talks have been ongoing with Boca Juniors over the possible return of the Argentinean to his homeland. However, there is a small stumbling block - cash.

Villarreal are looking for as much return as possible from player and are requiring that Boca match other offers reportedly received for Roman. Barcelona want their 25% due from any sale and Riquelme himself will not be putting down his rake and heading to South America without his cut. "If Villarreal respect the contract I have to the last euro, then I'll go back to Boca, no problem." Home win.

Atlético Madrid (6th) v Valladolid (14th)

A recent report in the Spanish papers compared Atletico Madrid to someone whose duvet is too small to cover both their feet and their head. They either go mental in seven goal thrillers, as we saw against Sevilla and Villarreal. Or they shut up shop and grind out a 0-0 as we saw against Almeria. An increasingly perplexed Javier Aguirre will be hoping for a combination of the two, on Sunday. Home win.

Levante (20th) v Betis (19th)

Good work from Levante president, Pedro Villarroel, in recent weeks, as he tries to lift his side from the bottom of the table. His first step was to suggest that Abel Resino should have been sacked over the summer.

Next he argued that the injured star striker, Arveladze should never have been signed. Then he called the home fans 'idiots' and threatened not to pay any of his players should they speak out against him. As he isn't actually paying any of his players anyway and they are taking him to court for this, the final threat was emptier than Guti's head. Away win.

Athletic Bilbao (12th) v Deportivo (17th)

Now, La Liga Loca is either missing something here or Deportivo player, Manuel Pablo, has been on the waccy baccy. Speaking ahead of the match which sees Joaquin Caparros taking on his old side, the visiting full back spoke about the former boss' playing style not being very thrilling for the fans.

"The Riazor supporters didn't like it," ruminated Pablo, "we feel more comfortable with what we have now," said the defender kissing up to new boss, Lotina - the same attack minded boss who was reportedly contemplating playing with two actual strikers, for the first time, this season. Draw. And an awful one at that.

Osasuna (15th) v Espanyol (5th)

That rumbling from the Pyrenees is the sound of Osasuna wobbling like a weeble up in the mountains. Three defeats in their last five matches has meant that messages of calm, peace and tranquility have been leaking out of the club for the last few days. All sure signs that things are not so perky in Pamplona. Home win.

Racing Santander (7th) v Valencia (4th)

With a sad face and wipe of a tear, the Racing stadium announcer put his 'welcome home!' cd back into its cover, on hearing the news that Nikola Zigic would not be returning to his former club.

Unfortunately, the Serbian striker was prevented from returning to Spain by a bureaucratic busy body in Milan who told him that his papers were not in order, forcing him to return to his homeland to pick up his original resident's permit. Not that him playing would have made any difference to Valencia, mind. Home win.

Zaragoza (8th) v Getafe (11th)

The one thing that Michael Laudrup, Frank Rijkaard and Bernd Schuster have in common is that they are all probably still a bit tasty on the football field. The former was demonstrating this, on Thursday, in a Getafe practice match before having his ankle knacked by marauding midfielder, Francisco Casquero.

"When he takes part in these games, he knows what can happen," warned the soon to be dropped Getafe legend. Home win.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

The Torment is Nearly Over

2007-11-21T11:45:00.000+01:00

Praise to Belzeebub and his devilish spawn, only three more days till proper football returns.

Only three more days till we can see if La Liga Loca's curse on Valencia will hold out.

Only three more days till we can see if Fernando Gago can find a teammate with a pass.

Only three more days till we hear more empty promises from the Barcelona camp about their new fighting spirit.

In the last ten days diddly squat has happened in Spain.

The papers revealed that Raul has at least one thing in common with Michael Jackson - no, not that. They both sleep in an oxygen chamber, apparently. And we learned that Bojan Krkic would like to play for Spain, sometime in the future when they stop playing games past his bed time.

The only vaguely noteworthy event is that Marca's entertaining spat with Real Madrid continues.

After suggesting that Sergio Ramos may leave for Italy a fortnight ago, the paper then picked up a completely made up report from England that the club had received a forty million euro bid from Spurs for Iker Casillas.

It was a non-story that caused an unusual amount of kerfuffle in the club with numerous denials that such an offer had been tabled. And should such an offer have been tabled, it would never have been considered.

"These are aggressions on the club," whined Roberto Gomez in, er, Marca on the non existent bids reported by his own stirring paper.

The latest story is that Real Madrid are shipping out the 27 million euro waste of space, Mahamadou Diarra, over the winter if the right offer comes along.

Few can blame them if they do. In over a year at the club, the Malian midfielder has done bugger all to justify his rather exorbitant fee.

The wee problem is that the sale would leave defensive duties to Fernando Gago - and no one else, due to rather shortsighted sale of Ruben de la Red to Getafe.

Over in Laportaland, the always entertaining Oleguer popped up to give an interview and complained that he was tired of being labeled as an oddball for occasionally expressing views aside from "we can still win the league" - the normal staple for footballers.

"In a country where there is a democracy, you have to have a freedom of expression," complained the disastrous defender.

Elsewhere, Levante's Descarga confessed that he is worried that his club president's claims that some of the fans are 'morons' might not have been a smart idea.

Betis' Toni Doblas is out for six months after injuring himself in a friendly. The club are now on the hunt for a replacement keeper who can flap just as effectively as the original.

And the tv wars mean that Murcia's clash with Real Madrid, this weekend, will kick off either on Saturday at 22.00 or Sunday at 19.00, depending on which company you believe.

It's good to be back.

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Competition Time

La Liga Loca has been on its travels...identify the grim looking stadium from this shot and win Mahamadou Diarra.

Rain

Married With Children

2007-11-16T11:37:00.000+01:00

When Zlatan Ibrahimovic arrived in Capital City to knock a couple of goals past Spain on Saturday night, he was asked the bog standard question by the local hacks - "would you like to play for Real Madrid?"

"Everyone wants to play at Real Madrid, but not everyone can," replied the priest-chasing Swedish tearaway. As it turns out, the latter half of his statement was right, especially if you are not married.

On Thursday, Bernd Schuster revealed his big secret when signing players - if he were allowed to sign players at Real Madrid, that is. "The first thing I ask a player before signing, is if he is married," confessed the German whilst giving a speech on leadership to some suits.

Unfortunately, he failed to reveal if the players' wives are then allowed to sit in the dressing room as Mrs Schuster used to do back in big Bernd's Barcelona days.

When the Real Madrid squad returns from international duty, the second thing on the manager's 'to do' list - the first being to detox Robinho - is to organise some speed dating sessions at the Bernabeu, as much of his team are free spirited Batchelor Boys - step forward Casillas, Pepe, Ramos, Diarra, Gago, Robinho, Marcelo, Miguel Torres, Baptista, Saviola... Go get them ladies of La Liga Loca.

It was smiles all round in Barcelona, this week, as Frank Rijkaard's men managed the rarest of the things - an away win. The unlucky losers on the end of a 0-3 thrashing in the Copa del Rey were the mighty Alcoyano, a team who "nearly killed two of my players," according to the indignant Dutch coach.

Rafa Marquez was allowed to leave the Barca camp for a few days to return to Mexico for personal reasons...and the odd promotional event for Gillette.

Ernesto Valverde has denied stories that he is about to slip into Rijkaard's soon to be vacated managerial chair. "I have nothing to say," said the Espanyol coach, with nothing to say.

Over in Atletico Madrid, José Antonio Reyes moan of the week was that he had not yet received his 300,000 euro bonus for winning the league with Real Madrid, whilst the rest of the squad have.

"I'm not worried yet," said the whining winger who later went on to confess he could do with the cash to keep him going to the end of the month.

Enrique Cerezo was an excited man, this week. Not because someone actually paid to see one of his film productions - and stayed to the end - but because long term transfer target, Ricardo Quaresma, expressed his desire to move to Madrid in the summer.

The one tiny problem was that the Portuguese player was contemplating a move to the whiter half of Madrid. "Curses! Foiled again!" the Atletico big cheese failed to shout.

If you happen to have 40 million euros lying around, then you could be the proud owner of Levante football club, a go-getting side tied to the bottom of the Primera with a whopping four points.

Tired of being pointed at by children and being laughed at by fans, Levante president and professional coach firer, Pedro Villarroel has had enough and is no longer watching the club's matches at the stadium. "I had a heart attack eight years ago," said the club president as he carefully stuffed pills into his paella stuffed bocadillo.

In other news, Zaragoza coach, Victor Fernandez has declared that is not a happy man, football wise, after his team's Copa del Rey defeat to Xerez - "Football wise, I'm not a happy man."

Real Betis head, Manuel Ruis de Lopera has a new opposition group to think about. The "League of Betico lawyers" has been formed to write stern letters to the majority shareholder. And maybe have the odd lunch.

Professional idiot and blowhard, Roberto Gomez, has written in Marca that Spain's clash with Sweden, on Saturday, is the 'most important for the national team for the last few years."

One might argue that the away match against Denmark was more crucial...or maybe even the small matter of the Word Cup clash with France.

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La Liga Loca's 'For the Chop' Hot Tips Latest!

Hector Cuper (Betis) - 5/1
Victor Muñoz (Recreativo) - 6/1
Ziganda (Osasuna) - 12/1
Frank Rijkaard (Barcelona) - 15/1

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca 2007

Quotes of the Week

2007-11-14T11:19:00.000+01:00

"It's like living in a coffee shop" - Marca ticking all the right stereotype boxes in their editorial's description of what Frank Rijkaard has done to the Barcelona dressing room. It still doesn't beat the previous day's edition which pictured a grinning Rafa Nadal and David Ferrer doing the 'slitty eyes' face, to signify the fact they were both in Shanghai.

"The only sporting director in the world I won't work with is, Pedja Mijatovic" - Football agent, Bayran Tutumlu, after his Sevilla spat with the Real Madrid big wig when he suggested he was a pimp on national tv.

"He prefers Madrid soup to Italian spaghetti" - Atletico Madrid president, Enrique Cerezo's cunning plan to keep Kun Aguero out of the clutches of Serie A.

"I'm not going to talk about this" - a comment from Real Betis prospective buyer, Luis Castel, that provoked Marca to report that he 'admitted the news' of a possible deal and 'did not deny' it.

"If Luis Aragones calls me up, I'll burst into tears" - Dani Güiza showing the kind of tough minded, trenches spirit that will get Spain their point against Sweden, on Saturday.

"Do you want him to score three goals, every game?" - Yes. Yes we do, is the answer to Thierry Henry's question about Ronaldinho.

"Sorry, I don't know who he is" - Wesley Sneijder shows off Real Madrid's preperations for the Mallorca game, by claiming he had never heard of Dani Güiza.

"I've seen things I don't like. I want to dominate the dressing room" - A bit of chest thumping was Ronald Koeman's first act at Valencia. The second was losing to Rosenborg.

"We still lack a little to make people afraid" - Bernd Schuster contradicts his president's claims that Real Madrid are giving opposition teams the willies.

"When I see him, I'm going to say 'Ronaldinho! We are the leaders!" - promised Robinho who may well be returning from Brazil duty with a black eye.

"I have money! I'll pay for everything" - Irritating, crooning half wit, Melendi, shortly before being carted off for causing a flight to Mexico to return to Madrid due to his boozy behaviour. The flight also contained Rámon Calderón who was forced to cancel his trip to meet the Mexican president and go home in a strop. The last time the Real Madrid president tried to cross the Atlantic he was detained in New York having been mistaken for a bandit.

"Baby food, rice, fish...bland stuff" - Sevilla's José Angel Crespo reveals his new diet after having had his cheekbone destroyed by the elbow of Mahamadou Diarra.

"Serious and solvent Beticos" - sorry Betis fans, de Lopera has announced his only criteria for anyone who wants to buy him out - the criteria has caused him to turn down a 150 million euro offer from Qatar.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round 12

2007-11-12T12:21:00.000+01:00

For more multi-media action, read the latest ramble from the Spanish Thing and hear even more rubbish from La Liga Loca on Real Madrid TV's Extra time - 22.05 UK time on free to air Sky digital - repeated throughout the week.

Good Day

Marcus Senna

It's never a good thing when you find yourself in agreement with Luis Aragones. But this happened with La Liga Loca over the return of Marcus Senna to the Spanish national squad.

Apart from the remarkable form of Villarreal's strikers - especially that of the formerly useless Guille Franco - the real driving force of the Yellow Submarine, the rudder if you please, has been Marcus Senna.

On Sunday, it was his pin point set pieces that brought about two of Villarreal's goals against Sevilla and his pass that set up Matigol for the penalty / dive. And it has been a similar performance from the nationalised Spaniard for many weeks before.

Juan Roman who?

Robinho

One of the twenty seven gods that La Liga Loca worships is blessing the blog, at the moment. The last two matches that it has attended have produced two 4-3 scorelines. The latest was a very bizarre - maybe even topsy turvy - match at the Bernabeu where seven goals broke up what was, at times, a fairly dull game.

The main sparkly point for Real Madrid was the two goal performance of Robinho, who finally seems to be delivering the goods, some two years after his arrival in Spain. His stepovers are now being performed where it hurts the opposition and his bamboozling is of the highest order.

The Brazilian now needs to start pulling off the same tricks away from home.

Leo Franco

It is hard to tell from highlights, but it seems that Atletico were on the wrong end of a battering against Almeria, on Sunday evening. Javier Aguirre certainly seems to think so - "I'll never understand this game," complained the Mexican. "We cannot start matches with this attitude."

The reason why the rojiblanco's are returning to the city with a point and a clean sheet was the great work from Leo Franco - someone who had been a bit of a disaster of late. His double, perhaps even triple save, from an Almeria penalty was the highlight of display.

The other main news was that José Antonio Reyes finally got a start after weeks of moaning. He was hauled off on the hour mark.

David Villa

It gives the Valencia-cursing La Liga Loca no pleasure in saying this, but Valencia looked half decent against Murcia. Although Murcia looked rubbish in equal measure. The return to goal scoring form of David Villa couldn't come at a better time for both his club and his country, with his second effort of the night being the best of the bunch.

Dani Güiza

As suspected, Dani did not want to blow his trip with the national team by attempting anything like running or tackling on Sunday evening. But he couldn't help himself by banging in goal number seven for the season. And he also got a 'good luck' from Raul for good measure.

Getafe

Another belting performance from Getafe, akin to the one that dominated Real Madrid, but was only rewarded with the unluckiest of 1-0 defeats. Getafe are now in 11th place with fourteen points - a big enough total to build on to ensure another season in the top flight. The win over Barcelona officially sees them being upgraded from 'lowly' Getafe to 'modest' Getafe.

Espanyol

Sixth place! UEFA ! These are heady days indeed for Paul from Barcelona who reflects on a sneaky 2-1 over Athletic with little mention of the fate of his second favourite side. Not really.

"A once proud and traditional club that has been reduced to cynical tactical fouls and play acting. Well enough about Barça let's talk about Athletic.

They have definitely decided that these tactics are what's needed to survive this season. The first half Athletic took a 2nd minute lead, thanks to incredibly slack marking from Espanyol through Gabilondo and that was their only positive contribution for the rest of the afternoon.

Their tactics in the first half were booting the ball up field and hoping for the best and their second half tactics were radically different. Hoofing the ball up field to avoid the worst.

Espanyol tried the other Barça way "Jogo Bonito" By the way,what the hell is this ? Sounds like a sandwich. They were trying to pass the ball into the net. The equaliser came from a great run and cross from Reira and a lovely flick volley at the near post from Tamudo.

The rest of the match was basically Espanyol trying to find a winner and Athletic lying on the floor feigning injury. Justice was done however in injury time. A ball into the box from Clemente was beautifully lobbed over Gorka, who received a mixed reception, by Aitor Ocio for the winner.

Pity for Aitor because he plays for the same team as Gorka. Karma's a bitch.
Overall a thoroughly deserved 3 points for Espanyol against a team who will survive because there are 3 teams worse than them.

Points

1- A really really bad ref again.Totally inept
2- Athletic's tactical fouling and general rolling around on the floor.I expect this from Betis and Valencia,not a Basque team.
3- 250 odd Athletic fans who made the journey deserve better than this.

Did anyone see the ratings for Barça on Saturday ? wonderful stuff
Messi 4,Henry 2, Ronaldinho 2, Bojan 1, Giovani 1. All out of 10. The 5 greatest players in the world (copyright Sport) could only muster a 10 between them. They normally get a 10 for being in the general vicinity of the Stadium.

The guy who wrote this (El Periodico) will be banished to Siberia..But you can't hide from the truth Cules."

Paul, Barcelona

Toño

With a third of the season now gone, Racing Santander sit in seventh place with the least amount of goals conceded. This is very much down to their goalkeeper, who as well a sporting a lovely white polo neck on Sunday, also kept out Deportivo with a string of cracking saves.

Racing Santander - the pound for pound side of the season, so far, anyone?

Valladolid

The 1-0 win over a doomed Levante was the side's first at home, this year. And a well deserved one, after the recent fine performances against both Real Madrid and Barcelona which deserved more.

Betis, Recreativo

A last minute stumbled effort and a goal line clearance ensures that both clubs keep their managers. At least for the next fortnight.

Bad Day

Barcelona

Where to start? Try not walking the ball out of defence when you are losing. Try not diving when things aren't going your way - yes, you Bojan. And try not to get players sent off through the most horrendous tackles - step forward, Zambrotta.

La Liga Loca is getting rather tired of hearing the same old excuses coming out of the Barcelona camp. "We lack attitude...intensity," says Puyol. "We need to change things," repeats Rijkaard.

The club now has two weeks of hammering from both the Madrid and Barcelona press before it is in action again, against Recreativo. La Liga Loca has no idea if there is something fundamentally wrong at the core of the club, as so many claim, but changes are required over the summer. But not necessarily expensive ones.

Flog d'inho and Deco to bring in some capital. Bring in Zlatan and Vicente. Go to a 4-4-2 and watch the titles come rolling in. Easy peasy, really.

Unai Emery

The inability of Almeria to find the back of the net was not just costly for Unai Emery's side as they slip towards the relegation zone, it was costly to the man himself. Emery had bet lunch with thirty hacks that his side would score against Atletico. "If the goals were a little bit bigger, we'd have won 3-1," grumbled Emery has he blew the cobwebs from his wallet.

Levante

LDLLLLLLLLWL

Athletic Bilbao

A friend of La Liga Loca's fills every stereotype of an Athletic Bilbao fan - i.e someone who blames every single defeat on some kind of Madrid based anti-Basque conspiracy.

When the blog heard that his side went down to an injury time goal, the blog was secretly hoping the referee had kicked the ball into the back of the net, himself. Instead it was so much better.

Aitor Ocio attempted to clear a ball but contrived to slice it into his own net in spectacular fashion. La Liga Loca is looking forward to hearing that one explained away.

Deportivo

"Our best game at home so far this season," boasted Miguel Angel Lotina after 0-1 defeat to Racing. Things way be worse at La Riazor than previously thought.

Andrés Palop

Can someone return the real Sevilla goalkeeper to us? The one who recently got a call up to Spain? This version is a big flappy disaster and one of the reasons why his side has the third worse away record in the league.

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Anyone missed? Just click on comments for your day.

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All blog comments copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

Dark Days Return to Spain

2007-11-08T11:55:00.001+01:00

Multi Media Update - you can here The Spanish Thing get the name of the new Sevilla coach wrong here, on the latest 365 podcast.

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For a while, it seemed as if the long hours of patient negotiations were going to be rewarded.

For a while, it seemed as if the people of Spain were going to experience something akin to a normal life, again.

For a while, it appeared as if the ceasefire between Marca and Real Madrid was going to hold.

But everything was shattered on Thursday morning in an event that US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, described as 'worrying'.

Over the past few weeks, something resembling normal day to day life had began to return to the paper. Real Madrid fans were starting to feel confident enough to glance at it without having to read something bad about their club.

Fawning and obsequious tributes to the omnipotent "club of the century" had began to reappear. "We really thought that it was all over," sobbed Manolo Vasquez, owner of Bar Raul and life long fan.

The ceasefire was shattered in dramatic fashion, on Thursday, when Real Madrid fans picked up the day's edition featuring Sergio Ramos on the cover.

Expecting another 'isn't he wonderful!' story, shocked supporters were horrified to discover that the paper was reporting that another club wanted to buy him - that club being AC Milan.

"This kind of idle transfer speculation is just so wrong," cried Vasquez as he wrapped himself in the comforting pages of AS and curled up in the corner of his bar.

But that was not all. The daily paper also claimed that the Real Madrid players were unhappy at having to stay over night in Greece, after the Olympiakos match, before waking up at five to return to the Spanish capital and training.

Whats more they had no tea after the session, as the catering team had not been told of the schedule.

The reason given by the club for the overnight stop is that the players benefited from a night of rest before travelling.

The reason given by Marca is that their twenty five year old, rust bucket, super jet, 'La Saeta' is unable to fly at night due to its regulation shattering noise. And the pilot's need to follow the Mediterranean coastline to find his way home.

However, there were early signs that cracks were starting to appear in the ceasefire agreement, several days ago.

Marca had reported that the Portuguese police were investigating Pepe's move from Benfica, over the summer.

These cracks turned into a chasm on Thursday, when the paper published the comments of leading football writer, José María García - "how can Pepe, who was valued at 8 million last season, be transfered for 30 million?"

"October's ceasefire was the last, best chance of peace," claimed Ban Ki-Moon, "I fear the worst for the future".

There is no such 'unhelpful' talk to be found at the increasingly North Korea sounding, Barcelona comic Sport.

"The spectators are enjoying themselves at the ground and are leaving happy," reported Thursday's editorial. "Don't look at the score against Rangers," it later instructed - an instruction the fans ignored with only one player scoring over 70% in a post game poll on the team's performance.

After brushing over the handball-helped first effort from Thierry Henry, the paper later went onto to support Joan Laporta's claims that the club's newly created uranium enrichment programme was merely for 'peaceful' purposes.

La Liga Loca's call for seven years of misery and despair upon Valencia is coming along nicely, after Ronald Koeman's men were rolled over 0-2 by Rosenborg, having offered up a display the opposition coach described as cowardly.

"F**king hell, it was only Steffan f**king Iverson!" Trond Henriksen, failed to add.

Valencia's captain, David Albeda, claims that the players don't know what is happening to them - "we don't know what is happening to us."

However, José Mari Bakero, the club's new second in command - and future caretaker manager - has a clear idea of what to do next. "We have two options, take a step forward, or a step back. We're going to take a step forward," he confirmed.

Darth de Lopera had confirmed that talks are going ahead with an unnamed party for the sale of his majority stake in Real Betis. But fans should not get too excited yet. "If I don't want to sell, I won't. I don't have children and I don't need the money," boasted Spain's answer to Cliff Richard.

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Rant Time

Spanish television is continuing to destroy everything it touches. Both La Liga and English football have been ruined for the viewer and the Champions League is next, it appears.

For some months, Antena 3's coverage of the competition has merely been annoying. This week it turned into very f**king annoying, indeed. Here's why.

Tuesday - Olympiakos v Real Madrid live coverage

- missing the start of the second half because of the presenter talking rubbish for too long.
- the three commentators talking over each other for 90 minutes.
- the three commentators talking about what programmes were coming up next on Antena 3, once the annoyance of the football was finished.
- cutting away from the match, two seconds after it had ended.

Wednesday - The highlights show

- starting twenty minutes late. And after midnight.
- presenters constantly looking into the wrong camera.
- showing two minutes of football in the twenty five minute show.
- showing fifteen minutes of advertisements in the twenty five minute show.
- telling you the score and showing interviews with managers / players before the brief highlights are shown.
- having freaky people doing these interviews.
- attempting live commentary over the 'highlights', hence screaming 'GOOOL' two seconds before Henry slotted in the first for Barcelona.
- failing to show any goals from Tuesday night's matches.
- having your musical finale run with the English words "Champions League audio track two' in the background every thirty seconds.

Rant over

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Emails...Emails...Emails...

My main reason for writing is, for a change, not to complain about Pablo
Garcia, currently breaking ankles and "leading by example" at Murcia, but
instead the exploits of one Mahamadou Diarra. At Lyon, he seemed to me a solid defensive midfielder, perhaps a bit rough, but not too bad. At some point last season, however, it seemed to me he started becoming more overtly violent, particularly (but not limited to) the way he used his elbows.

The highlight of this season (thus far) for him has had to have been his not-at-all-delicate piece of facial rearrangement on Jose Angel Crespo. In the roughest game in La Liga that I've ever seen, that was the most brutal foul - a clear swing at the head of Crespo.

How on earth Diarra didn't get sent off is beyond me (though your quoted comments on the quality of Spanish refereeing may help answer that). When I see the piddling things that have gotten yellows for some players and observe that
Diarra got nothing, I just shake my head.

I presume that Crespo is the player referred to in reports as having been rushed to hospital with a depressed fracture of the cheekbone. Any word on how he's doing?

Cheers,
Doug

He has been operated on and has had his cheekbone reconstructed. 'Very painful', says the player - La Liga Loca.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

Prince of Darkness to Retire?

2007-11-06T11:58:00.000+01:00

Betis fans! It's time to turn that frown upside down! It's time to do your special dance of joy. It appears that evil Darth de Lopera is finally considering quitting the club. And this time, he means it.

Marca is reporting that the Betis big wig is in negotiations with a group interested in buying the evil one's majority stake.

"I never wanted to leave in such a bad way," said de Lopera on Monday, as he popped the remains of Héctor Cúper into Hugo's salivating mouth.

However, before he departs it seems that he may have one more managerial sacking left in him, just for old time's sake. The current chump in charge of the team needs to win against Zaragoza on Sunday, and win big, or he will be going the same way as the other 4400 who have been kicked into the street by de Lopera's heavies.

His possible replacement will be ex Celta Vigo boss, Fernando Vasquez. Woo and indeed hoo is the cry from Betis fans all over the world.

The group that de Lopera is currently negotiating with - negotiating in the 'I want eight billion euros and a diamond encrusted kennel sense' is lead by Luis Castel, a local lad who made his substantial fortune in...three guesses...real estate.

In an editorial Marca more or less tells de Lopera to pack his bags and sod off.

"His time is over," it reports. "He displayed hateful and passionate Betism in equal measures...and his financing of the club was never clear."

However, there was one note of support on the paper's comments blog - "Don't go! Please! Stay forever! As a Sevillista, I beg you."

Another Betis supporter writes that de Lopera should remain in charge, warning that "better the devil you know."

Over in Italy, former Valencia sporting director, Amedeo Carboni, was reportedly jumping up and down on a picture of former nemesis, Quique Sánchez Flores, laughing hysterically and waving his fist in the direction of the east coast of Spain.

"We had a manager who's ambition was to get into the Champions League," ranted Carboni, "I felt we needed a manager with different ones."

Meanwhile, Bernd Schuster is still being made to pay for his slur on the good name of Catalunya. Not that it was a slur, according to the Real Madrid boss - "one thing is your imagination," said Schuster to the dribbling hacks in Athens, "the other is what I actually said."

Back in Spain a whole host of suits that supposedly run Spanish football are set to complain, pontificate, write letters to their MPs and grandstand for the rest of the week about Schuster's comments, as opposed to actually doing something about the tv wars, the terrible refereeing or Andrés d'Alessandro's hair.

Sport - whose Catalan-slur-ometer exploded into a thousand pieces on Saturday night forcing the installation of an upgraded model - point out that the referee for the Sevilla v Real Madrid match, Alfons Xavier Alvarez Izquierdo, was an Espanyol fan, which as it turned out last week, is no longer a Catalan team.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca 2007

Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round Eleven

2007-11-05T12:29:00.000+01:00

For this week's Spanish Thing ramblings click here. And for its glorious return to Real Madrid tv's Extra Time, keep an eye out from this evening onwards.

Good Day

Villarreal

The Yellow Submarine has now played Real Madrid, Barcelona, Atletico, Zaragoza and Valencia in their opening eleven matches of the season. The Yellow Submarine has picked up nine points from these matches - a handy haul that leaves them just one point of the top, in third.

In a rare bit of actual work on Sunday, La Liga Loca asked Giuseppe Rossi and Jon Dahl Tomasson if Villarreal for the title was worth a cheeky punt. 'Probably not' was the answer. Rossi replied that a Champions League spot was the goal of the side and the Dane commented that "it's a long season, let's see."

On Sunday, Villarreal showed that a run at the title may be worth a go. Throughout the 4-3 win against Atletico Madrid, they were patient, calm and seemed to be able to score at will. Even at 3-2 down, one suspected that Manuel Pellegrini's men would always get back into the game and so they did thanks to the excellent Nihat.

Once next weekend's match at Sevilla is out the way, Villarreal can enjoy a run that sees them taking on the cannon fodder of the Primera - the kind of teams they overturned to grab a late UEFA spot, last season.

Ronaldinho

Critics will say that if you cannot beat Betis at the moment, then you are in trouble. A little harsh perhaps. The best part of the match was seeing Ronaldinho smiling again - and playing the whole ninety minutes as opposed to a disheartening substitution.

"Barcelona dominated without too much difficulty" wrote Sport - however, that has not been too much of an issue at home. The real problems have been away from the Camp Nou where Barca have only managed one win.

Next week, they face a resurgent Getafe - a side with a tendency to raise their game against the big sides as they showed last year and this season in their pounding of Real Madrid. It's a game that Barça have to win to keep up the pressure on the league leaders.

Guti

An odd choice for a good day considering he spent match of Saturday being booted about as well as picking up his fifth yellow of the season. However, in the kind of match where he often disappears from, Guti was one of the positive points on a disappointing night for Real Madrid. He kept on trying to create chances and only lost his rag once, when charging into Poulsen - someone who had spent much of the match doing the same to Guti.

It is also heartening to see that statistics show that Guti is, again, one of the most fouled players in the league.

As the Spanish Thing wrote, it wasn't necessarily a bad performance from Real Madrid, they were just beaten by a side that were a lot better than them on the night.

Fernando Morientes

At least something is working in the Valencia side, aside from the coffee machine. Two classic poacher's goals to bring some cheer to the ché's on Saturday night, in the 0-2 win at Mallorca. However, Ronald Koeman, who watched this match from his sofa, still has a lot to do - starting with grabbing three points against Rosenborg to keep his new team in the Champions League.

Valladolid

The win against Zaragoza was Valladolid's second of the season - the first being in the opening day of the season. The win against Zaragoza was also the reason why predicting results in the Primera is a bit of a waste of time.

Christian Riganò

Hells Bells. It took Levante ten matches to score their first three goals of the season. But it took them just thirty five minutes to score their next three with Italian striker Christian Riganò showing the kind of form that saw him bang in 19 goals in 27 matches for Messina, last year.

"He's a player who needs to feel wanted and important," explained manager Giovanni de Biasi as he pinned a big gold star onto his on fire forward.

Getafe

Oupa Geta! Three wins from the last four in the league leads Getafe out of the relegation zone and repays the faith shown in el Pato by La Liga Loca, with his restoration to its fantasy league team.

The late, late win over Osasuna - an undeserved one grumbles Ziganda - leaves Michael Laudrup and co in high spirits for next weekend's match. "We can prepare for the Barcelona game with calmness," beamed the Danish coach.

Racing Santander

An unremarkable draw with Espanyol leaves Racing six matches unbeaten and in 8th - cracking figures for a team that many expected to struggle. Considering the lack of summer transfer activity and the loss of Zigic, it has been a fine performance from Marcelino who must surely be moving on to bigger and better things in the future, especially after the season he had at Recreativo.

Joseba Etxeberria

You could almost here the creaking bones and cracking joints from Madrid as the Athletic Bilbao old timer managed not one, but two strikes to beat Recreativo. Athletic's first win at home, this season, will be heralded as a return to form for the Basque club. But it is nothing of the sort. It was a win against a side at the wrong end of the table who haven't scored a goal in six matches.

Bad Day

Bernd Schuster

You are definitely doing something wrong if Telemadrid and Marca are criticising your conduct. Bernd Schuster's comments about the Catalan referee, on Saturday night, sit alongside his other somewhat tempestuous outbursts this season.

If the German isn't going to lose the plot completely, then he needs to watch some old clips of Fabio Capello in press conferences. And learn. A journo could suggest that Capello's wife was the biggest slapper in Spain and he would merely shrug, give him or her a look suggesting they were an idiot and move on. The Italian was bullet proof.

Schuster's side are top of the league both in Spain and in their Champions League group. Lord knows what will happen when the club goes through an iffy spell.

Atletico Madrid

If there was one thing that could cheer up La Liga Loca after being ripped off by some scum bag cafe when buying its half-time bocadillo, it was watching Atletico's comedy defending, on Sunday evening. It was less Keystone Cops, more Metropolitan Police.

All four of Villarreal's goals were preventable and Javier Aguirre knows it too. "In the second half they had just two shots...just two shots," said the Mexican manager in despair, rubbing his forehead.

The one positive is that Atletico Madrid are now officially the most entertaining team in the galaxy with eleven goals scored and ten conceded in their last four matches.

Zaragoza

1-0 and losing out 2-3 at home to Valladolid is exactly the kind of thing that happens if you play Gabi and Luccin from the start. How many times do they need to be told!

Osasuna

"It will be a good day to see what we want to do this season," said Ziganda before Sunday's defeat to Getafe. Oh dear.

Real Betis

No surprise there. Hector Cuper moves to the top of La Liga Loca's sack race. And it could happen as early as next week if he does not pull something out of the bag at home to Zaragoza, next Sunday.

TVE-2

Slightly off topic but a rant is deserved. Do not boast and advertise the biggest match in Europe - Arsenal v Man Utd - when you have no intention in showing it live, but instead FOUR FRICKIN' HOURS LATER!! AND AFTER FRICKIN' MOTOR BIKES AND FRICKIN' TENNIS!!!!

Santiago Segurola from Marca was felt the same way. "Spanish television threw the match in the bin," he fumed on Sunday, "it was a supreme excercise in incompetence".

It seems that not content with screwing up their own league, Spanish tv bosses are targeting the English one, as well.

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Anyone missed? Just click on comments for your say.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca 2007

Friday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round 10

2007-11-01T15:09:00.000+01:00

Good Day

Dady

Dady caused the mother of all problems for Betis and gave a lesson to Osasuna's hapless opponents on how to buy someone who knows where the goal is. Four strikes, this season, from the club's most expensive signing (3.6 million euros), has given a bit of boost to what was a flaccid start to the season for the men from Navarra.

Casquero

At last, the net-bursting version of Casquero is back for Getafe, with the midfielder opening the scoring in the 2-0 win over Athletic Bilbao. Getafe may still be in the relegation zone, but Michael Laudrup's side have now won three of their last four matches in the league and UEFA Cup - figures that suggest that they should be back into the comfy snugness of mid-table in no time at all.

Real Zaragoza

The 0-1 win over Almería was Zaragoza's first victory on their travels for nine months. And it was also the side's fourth win in five in the league. Crisis definitely over. Until d'Alessandro feels the need to share his thoughts with the world, again, of course.

Villarreal

The Jekyll and Hyde club continues its 'will they, won't they?' title charge with another win. Against Levante, though, so it doesn't really count.

Real Madrid

"The Perfect Storm" write AS in their editorial and that is a good summary of the victory over Valencia. It is hard to know whether the 5-1 thrashing was the result of the home side being very, very bad, or the away team being very, very good. A bit of both perhaps.

A Capello-esque double pivot of Gago and Diarra suggested that it would be a scrappy match, but that theory went out the window in around 40 seconds, the time it took for Raul to stroke home the opener for his fifth of the season.

Sergio Ramos, Ruud, Robinho and Guti all excelled going forward and even Iker Casillas got his chance to pull of his normal range of match rescuing saves.

The three points at the Mestalla gives Real Madrid a bit of breathing space ahead of Saturday's visit to Sevilla, where a point would now be an acceptable return from the game.

Atletico Madrid

Curses. A scheduling clash between the two Madrid clubs meant that La Liga Loca could not get down to the Calderon for this stormer. Atletico fans have now enjoyed eight goals being scored by their players in the last two league matches at home. And they have also enjoyed some comedy defending, especially from the returning Ze Castro.

The rojiblancos have now moved into the heady heights of the Champions League zone, but they may well be facing the next month without Diego Forlán, a player who has formed a superb partnership with the pants on fire Kun. Sunday's visit of Villarreal could be a corker.

Luis Fabiano

An honourable mention to the Sevilla striker who has now quietly racked up six league goals for the season, and six in four matches in all competitions. And all without too much fuss.

Dani Güiza

Another striker who has been quietly going about his business is Mallorca's Dani Güiza who chalked up his sixth of the season against Deportivo.

Victor Valdes

You know when your keeper is in the good day section, the rest of the team were probably rubbish. La Liga Loca was only exposed to La Sexta's oddly edited highlights, last night, so it's hard to get a full picture of what went on. However, the defensive side of the visitor's game was like watching Real Madrid. Victor Valdes needed to pull an Iker-esque performance out of the bag, to keep Barca in the game.

Frank Rijkaard said the team lacked 'sacrifice' and 'collective work,' and it was a team that was still pretty strong despite the absence of Henry and Deco - more than enough to overcome an out of form, struggling Valladolid.

But there is no need for doom and gloom in Catalunya yet, despite what the Madrid press may whip up, Real will be hard pushed to get all three points away to Sevilla on Saturday night. Barcelona have Betis at home - but then again, it was the same tie, last year that lost Rijkaard the title.

Bad Day

Valencia

Single handedly reinventing the concept of a 'bad day'

Real Betis

Where to start. AS argue that anyone who cannot sleep should head down to Sevilla and the greener side of the city in action. An awful result and an awful performance, by all accounts, that prompted the paper to give all the Betis players zero points.

"We lacked a bit of everything," complained Hector Cuper, "calmness, attitude, serenity, ambition..." The list is probably still being read out now in an empty press room.

de Lopera was on the wrong end of insults and boos during the match. And that is never a good sign for the poor manager who happens to be on the bench at the time. Especially as the board has just given him a vote of confidence.

Deportivo

Failed to beat a Mallorca side down to ten men for fifty minutes and reliant on the penalty that saw Moya off, for their goal. However, the odd scrappy point like Wednesday's will probably be enough to keep them up, this season.

Athletic Bilbao

Just seven goals and three scorers suggest where the problem lies for the Basques, at the moment. They now have only one victory in five and are edging towards the relegation zone - somewhere they have been far too familiar with, in recent years.

Levante

Officially the worst team in Europe's top flight divisions. One point from a possible thirty and just three goals scored. A defeat at home to Almería, on Sunday, and it curtains.

Espanyol

You can't beat it when a rubbish game finishes at nearly midnight on a freezing Thursday night. That's what Paul from Barcelona got to enjoy.

"A very poor performance from Espanyol who struggled to break down a team so negative they'll have Messi writing to his MP, well sending crayon drawings anyway.
Espanyol have problems taking the game to other teams this year. They have struggled to beat poor teams and outplayed good ones.A top six finish is on the cards though.

Murcia are a bunch of Ale house cloggers led by Pablo Garcia, who incredibly in this company doesn't stand out as particularly dirty. Hope they go down. Rumour has it that they are trying to sign Russian tennis star Nikolai Davydenko because he tries not to win matches too.

A dire match with some incredibly bad offside decisions especially the one against Valdo. But apart from that........Nothing

Was there anything good on Antena 3 ? that's my best gag so far..Go on how many of you turned over.For once I'm with you."

Paul, Barcelona

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

A Plague of Locusts Upon Valencia....

2007-11-01T14:42:00.000+01:00

Today's Spanish Thing, 365 Piece...

A Plague of Locusts Upon Valencia....

There are three, basic rules of football journalism.

One - the latest goon in charge of England knows nothing. And he must always be told this.

Two - if you want to generate furious feedback, just make a sleight against the good name of Liverpool and take advantage of the 'Spamfield Affect'.

Three - make some kind of attempt to remain neutral.

However, inspired by the royal family's attitude towards endangered species, it's time for the Spanish Thing to tear up this rulebook, bake its tattered pages into a flan and feed it to the knackered-looking pigeon that lives in its roof.

First off, Steve McClaren is a visionary and decades ahead of the rest of you small-minded proles.

Secondly, a message to Liverpool fans. You can buy history, most sane people would rather drink turps than watch your long -ball infested matches and your stadium smells of wee.

And lastly, this column wishes nothing but misery and despair for Valencia for at least the next seven years.

May their footballers always play like Ivan Helguera on Wednesday night. May they make Real Betis look good.

The reason for this call for hellfire to be brought down to smite the men from Mestalla was the decision - or rather the decision of their puffed-up, pompous president Juan Bautista Soler - to fire Quique Sánchez Flores in the early hours of Monday morning.

For a club that had never employed a manager for more than three seasons in a row since 1970 this was no great surprise.

The sacking of a coach whose team was in fourth place in the league in October, and just four points off the top, was just another example of 'the insane way this club manages itself', opined Marca's lead writer Santiago Segurola.

Over the past few seasons Héctor Cúper, Claudio Ranieri and Rafa Benitez have all had a spell in the Mestalla hot seat and found working with the club's leaders, players and fans a near impossible task.

Quique is joining this list of distinguished names who, it must not be forgotten, have helped lead Valencia to two league titles, a Spanish Cup victory, a UEFA Cup and two Champions League finals over the past ten years.

"I feel I have lost a job, but got back a life," sighed the latest Valencia ex the day after his dismissal.

The immediate reason given for Quique's sacking was two poor results and a doom-filled 'state of play' report by the club's newly arrived sporting director Miguel Angel Ruiz - a report no doubt detailing exactly what Soler wanted to hear. A coach who was unpopular with sections of the fans, players and board had to go.

A dreadful defeat to Rosenborg in the Champions League and a 0-3 away loss to a resurgent Sevilla a few days later was the tip of the footballing iceberg for Soler, who was failing to see the return he wanted on a summer of heavy investment.

All these reasons would be quite valid if it were not for one key point. Juan Bautista Soler is a bumbling fool who, like most club presidents in Spain, know as much about football as they do about tax returns.

In many ways, Quique was lucky to have lasted this long. Last season, in his second year in charge, the team struggled badly with horrendous injury problems and could only manage fourth.

It was a great achievement applauded by most in Spain - except Quique's bosses who failed to understand that having 200 players in the treatment room can make life difficult for a side.

The team's performance was also affected by constant squabbles over hirings and firings with the former sporting director Amedeo Carboni, which led to the sourest of atmospheres that was not cleared until the Italian's sacking over the summer.

But those who thought that Soler was now backing his manager have now been proved wrong.

The major problem at Valencia is that the club is built on institutional quicksand with continuous damaging struggles between those in power and those wanting it.

'At a club of factions, the team reproduces those factions,' wrote Santiago Segurola.

This happened in spades at Valencia with groups of players who didn't mind Quique and others that hated him. There were some that wanted ham at the team lunches and others that wanted cheese, and so on and so on.

It was unfortunate that the manager in charge of this band of moaning mavericks was tough, driven and not one to suffer any kind of nonsense.

When the boss put an arm around a player, it was in an attempt to choke the life out of him for a poor performance, not to raise his spirits.

Every week in the Spanish press there were stories from footballers ready to have a pop at their former coach.

'Nightclub' Asier del Horno, currently on loan to Athletic Bilbao, claimed that he would never go back to Valencia with Quique in charge whilst David Navarro - now at Mallorca but famous for punching Nicolas Burdisso and legging it like a girl - took a similar line.

"He's had two managers in two years, Jose Mourinho and myself, who decided he was not good enough to be at a top club," replied Quique to del Horno's moans, "and if he keeps on talking about me, we're going to have problems," he added.

As for the rest of his squad, Sánchez Flores had to manage David Villa constantly batting his eyelids at Chelsea and Real Madrid; Vicente's fake injuries - or so the club doctor thought - David Albeda's demands for more cash; Fernando Morientes' complaint that it was 'too cold' against Rosenborg and Miguel's confession that he liked a cigarette, a good night out and was probably five kilos overweight and in no mind to do anything about it, thank you very much.

It was little wonder that the relationship between manager and footballer was not always harmonious.

In the same way a child will mirror the behaviour of their peers, so did the Valencia fans who are, without doubt, the worst in Spain.

Win, lose or draw, the Mestalla crowd boos and whistles its way through matches. The whining is louder than Leo Messi after Barcelona's draw at Rangers. At times it's like the stadium is populated by 50,000 clones of José Antonio Reyes. 'Quique out!' signs have been on display from before he even arrived.

But that's not where the constant barracking ends for Valencia's players and coaches. Regular trips are made to the club's training ground by supporters to shout abuse at their squad for being drunkards, shagging too much, not caring or being overpaid.

This fantastic loyalty, this bond between team and supporter, was in evidence again on Wednesday night when fans started streaming out of the Mestalla after just 36 minutes.

Granted, they were 4-0 down to Real Madrid at the time.

Soler had made the inspired decision to kick Quique out just a few days ahead of their biggest match of the season. A match where a win would have moved the side to within one point of the league leaders. A match that could have given the team the boost it needed.

But instead of Sánchez Flores and his natty neck scarf glaring from the sidelines, it was reserve team coach Oscar Fernández - a man who is apparently just 33 but looks like many of those years may have been spent in a gulag.

To suggest that Fernández was a little out of his depth is an understatement. This was
Prince floundering in the middle of the Pacific ocean.

"We will make Real Madrid suffer," boasted the caretaker coach ahead of the match. And for the 44 seconds before Raul scored the opener in the 5-1 demolition, it was touch and go for Bernd Schuster's boys.

Valencia's defeat was exactly what the side deserved. The only disappointment on the night was that there wasn't a camera fixed permanently on Soler's moustache-filled face as he watched his directionless rabble chasing shadows out on the pitch.

"This isn't the first time we've seen something like this this season," pointed out the Valencia big cheese as he defended himself against the inevitable insults hurled in his direction by what was left of the home support.

The man to move into Quique's position is PSV's Ronald Koeman, who is set to be unveiled on Friday.

The Dutchman is fortunate enough to have the best squad in the division at his disposal when nobody's injured.

However, the downside is that he also has to work with the worst fans and leaders too.

It is true that Valencia had not been playing fantastic football so far this season. But with David Villa and Vicente returning from injuries, the newly-arrived Nikola Zigic starting to settle in and Joaquín in the form of his life, the decision to kick Quique Sánchez Flores into touch and start all over again looks foolhardy. Their situation is not 'irreversible' as the club declared on Sunday night.

The decision to ditch yet another boss was simply a self-serving one by Juan Bautista Soler, a man who wants a 'big name' to lead his club.

And a man this column hopes will spend many more years being abused by his own supporters. He deserves nothing more.

The Quotes of the Week

2007-10-31T11:19:00.001+01:00

"I would've been out by now in Italy" - Housewife's favourite, Michael Laudrup, confesses that he would have been shown the door had he been managing 'Il Getafio' in Serie A. But then Spurs came along.

"Logically, to go to a big club is an important step" - Espanyol's flavour of the week, Albert Riera, gives a press conference with his agent's phone number printed on his forehead.

"I have to show that one day I could play for Real Madrid" - An approach also taken by Andrés "same hairdresser as Fabricio Coloccini" Guardado, of Deportivo.

"It is an honour, but my objective is to stay here" - Ben Arva Benzema's response to Real Madrid rumours was enough to provoke "I'm mad for Madrid!" headlines from a bored of David Villa Marca.

"My aim is not just to win, but to put on a show" - Bernd Schuster confirms that Casino Royale will be shown on the Bernabeu big screens to keep future crowds awake after Sunday's Deportivo bore fest.

"I enjoyed watching Agüero. It was like a trip to the Prado" - said Lokomotiv Moscow manager, Anatoly Byshovets after their UEFA cup match with Atletico - a man who clearly revels in staring at 15,000 identical paintings of Jesus being poked in the side with a spear.

"This should have been thought of on Monday, not Thursday" - Deportivo coach, Miguel Angel Lotina, is another one unhappy at last week's match day change. A change which saw his family cancel plans to visit him in the Spanish capital.

"It's a good thing they don't miss me" - Fernando Torres on his old club. Remember Fernando Torres? Mullet? Couldn't decide when to pass or shoot? No? Oh well.

"I cannot remember the last time I saw my web page" - Bernd Schuster defends comments on his personal site suggesting that he contemplated putting his dog's collar on Leo Messi, as a way to stop him. It would certainly liven up the next 'el classico'.

"He grabbed me by the neck" - Disgruntled ex-Barcelona employee and journalist, Juanjo Castillo, looks back at a very alleged scuffle with Joan Plaza outside a restaurant, last weekend.

"I felt ashamed. Very ashamed" - Guti's confesses that he was caught by surprise by the goal celebration against Deportivo which saw Robinho pretending to clean Guti's boots.

"I would love to have a job so privileged that I can criticse everyone and know little or nothing" - And La Liga Loca can assure Bernd Schuster that it is, indeed, a lot of fun.

"I don't know why (the home fans) are booing me," complains Athletic Bilbao striker, Fernando Llorente. Because you are rubbish, perhaps? *See above quote.

"Afraid of boos and whistles? I'm only afraid of death" - Thierry Henry ends the latest round up in a suitably Halloweeny way.

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The Very Quick Midweek Predictions

Betis v Osasuna - Draw
Deportivo v Mallorca - Draw
Almeria v Zaragoza - Draw
Getafe v Athletic - Home Win
Villarreal v Levante - Home Win
Recreativo v Racing - Home Win
Valencia v Real Madrid - Home Win
Atletico v Sevilla - Away Win
Valladolid v Barcelona - Draw
Espanyol v Murcia - Home Win

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The Sack Race Latest

The top two of La Liga Loca's last sacking chart have been ousted. So, who's next?

Michael Laudrup - Getafe 5/1
Hector Cuper - Real Betis 6/1
Victor Muñoz - Recreativo 7/1
Frank Rijkaard - Barcelona 20/1

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round Nine

2007-10-29T13:36:00.000+01:00

Did Quique have to go? Are Real Madrid certainties for the title? Is Giovani a cheat? All this and more in this week's Good Day, Bad Day.

Bad Day

Quique Sanchez Flores

Maybe poor Quique's days were numbered, when Manuel Angel Ruiz was appointed to replace Amedeo Carboni. It was Ruiz' gloomy 'state of play' report, on Sunday night, that Soler took to being the trigger to sack Quique - something he had been wanting to do for some time, one suspects.

That and a 3-0 defeat to Sevilla when the visitors offered nothing according to AS. And a faltering Champions League campaign.

Maybe Quique was undermined by the notoriously grumpy Valencia fans. Or maybe even the notoriously grumpy Valencia players?

Either way, La Liga Loca has a soft spot for Quique and hopes to see him and his scarf back on a touchline sometime soon. But that could be a long wait according to the great man himself - "I feel I have lost a job, but got back a life."

TV Viewers

On Friday, La Liga Loca warned that the Athletic v Betis match on Saturday night, maybe be akin to some kind of CIA-inspired torture. And shame on you if you failed to take heed and sat through the goalless draw.

Athletic Bilbao

This is not going to be a fun season for Athletic Bilbao fans. Especially for those poor souls watching at the San Mamés, where they have yet to win, this year. "If there is one team I like to beat, it's Betis," confessed Sevilla mad Caparrós before the match. Looks like he'll have to wait another six months for the chance to try again.

Real Betis

Get relegated, go mid table, fight for a European place. Whatever. Just do something. Please.

Miguel Angel Lotina

Always entertaining to watch the Deportivo coach in action in press conferences. Lotina just sucks the life and soul out of the room like the giant blobby doom monster in Spirited Away.

Marca described him having a 'poker face' on Sunday, as he talked about a defeat against Real Madrid that could have been a win. It looked more like a man with fifteen years worth of trapped wind, to La Liga Loca.

Valladolid

Another tremendous capitulation by the increasingly entertaining Valladolid, on Sunday afternoon. 2-0 up at Osasuna and looking forward to three points to lift them out of the relegation zone. Until a fearful five minute spell when Osasuna pulled the result back to 2-2.

"B*llocks, f*ck, sh*t, w*nk" were four words that Valladolid coach, Mendilibar didn't say in the post match press conference. But he should have done.

Villarreal

When the Yellow Submarine have a dodgy day, they go down in some style. The 4-1 thrashing by a previously rubbish Zaragoza follows on nicely from the 5-0 drubbing by Real Madrid. Marca cheekily suggests that the 'V' in Villarreal stands for 'Vertigo'.

Getafe

The early season version of Getafe is back, reports Marca, the one where they dominate games, but fail to score any goals. "We have to find solutions now, not in May' says David Belenguer. "If you don't scored, you don't win," says Michael Laudrup. "What! el Pato is still in goal in my fantasy team!" says La Liga Loca.

Recreativo

The Andalusians have now slipped into La Liga Loca's latest imaginary relegation zone, despite sitting two places above the real one. Four defeats in a row with no goals scored are worrying statistics for a Recre side who face a crunch match against Racing Santander on Wednesday and their former manager, Marcelino.

Good Day

Manolo Jiminéz

A 3-0 win over Valencia is a fairly good start for the new Sevilla coach. "It made me feel like a player again and the fifteen years I was here when people would sing my name," grinned the new man at the helm, after the game.

But for more on Sevilla's weekend, click here for the Spanish Thing.

Guti

La Liga Loca was already to fire both barrels at the red boot wearing waste of space. But then he pulled that killer pass to Robinho out of the locker to prevent the blog venting its spleen. However, the few seconds before that moment was typical of Guti's "what a nice sunny day, oh look a butterfly, it's only Deportivo and I really can't be arsed" attitude for much of the 3-1 victory.

With the overworked Fernando Gago offering himself in every move and working his booty off, Guti literally strolled towards the Deportivo penalty area before flicking in the pass to set up the third goal.

Whether it was down to the Sunday five o'clock kick off - siesta time in Spain - or the 80 minutes of lifeless dross being played out on the pitch, the Bernabeu was so quiet you could hear a bocadillo being dropped, for much of the match.

However, the bored Bernabeu crowd are probably looking at this year's champions.

Barcelona

La Liga Loca is going to put its hand up and confess that it has no idea if Barcelona's first goal was offside or not. The 'in play' 'out of play' rules seem to be interpreted in different ways, by different referees. It's all very confusing.

And this is a line being taken by Marca and AS who also express doubts over whether it was a valid goal or not. And it was a line being taken by the 'tertulias' on Sunday night, although they could argue about the sky being blue for hours, if required.

However, La Liga Loca is sure that the penalty was as dodgy as hell and is willing to declare that Giovani is indeed, the new Messi, in the cheating stakes. And Marquez' body slam on Negredo was highly dodgy, too.

Atletico Madrid

After Atletico's 0-1 win over Levante, Javier Aguirre revealed that a player told him that it was "a game they would have lost, last year". Aside from the fact that it was a game they won, last year, you know what he means.

The front two of Forlán and Agüero are performing footballing miracles at the moment, but Aguirre knows that this cannot last much longer and revealed that he is waiting for the day for Mista to return, so he can rest one of his front men. A worrying confession, indeed.

Espanyol

It was a weekend away to the Balearics for Paul from Barcelona. So let's hear all about it.

"For me away matches were always 20 blokes in the back of a transit and 8 hour trips to Torquay to watch Port Vale get beaten again.

How times have changed. A 30 minute flight to Mallorca in relative comfort, it was Spanair after all. Lots of Mickey taking or Leo taking really about anti-flying and did anyone speak German ? Yes actually, hi Rainer.

And unlike Barça our jet engine stopped whining at the airport. Also how exactly do you pronounce Son Moix ?

A healthy away support watched in horror as a maybe offside (?) Arango volleyed home after a great pass from Ibagaza. Only 2 mins gone. Then with an even better goal.

Arango glanced a beautiful header into his own net from Luis Garcia's free kick - 1-1. Tamudo's pace was causing problems and when he burst into the box he was bundled over by Ballesteros (possibly with a five iron). Penalty and Red card. Power pen 1-2. Tamudo is on a great run.

So 2-1 up against 10 men, we must win right? This is Espanyol. The better the team the better they play, but we are playing Mallorca. Then, in a moment of madness, the Tasmanian devil in footy boots, Clemente, body checked a Mallorca payer. We also have 10. A great individual goal from Guiza 2-2.

After this, either side could have won, but a draw was a fair result. 5 unbeaten for us against a team that Tim tipped to do well. He's not a bad judge. Great to see De La Peña back, he can only make us better.

So Real Murcia on Thursday night 10pm. Why oh Why. A win will say a lot about the rest of the season. A defeat or draw, same old."

Paul, Barcelona

Zaragoza

The omens were not great for Zaragoza during the week. The awful showing against Atletico on Sunday night, the funny business with d'Alessandro...but to prove for once and for all that football is indeed a funny old game, they slam four past high flying Villarreal. And in so doing, move La Liga Loca's 'CRISIS' sign over the heads of Recreativo.

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Anyone missed? Feeling unloved or outraged? Click on comments for your say.

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All comments copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

The Great Grumpy Weekend Predictions

2007-10-26T11:20:00.000+02:00

Saturday

Mallorca (7th) v Espanyol (5th)

La Liga Loca's current favourite side in the league take on Espanyol - maybe its third or fourth in this prestigious mini-table. However, this ranking does tend to change by the hour depending on traffic conditions, pollution levels and if frickin' Dover (much better as a grunge band) are playing on the radio. Again.

Espanyol will be looking for more magic from Tamudo, Garcia and Riera - the latter being the latest flavour of the week to be linked with Real Madrid - to see them through against Mallorca. But there won't be any. Home win.

Athletic v Betis

See Real Madrid v Deportivo. Home win.

Sunday

Real Madrid (1st) v Deportivo (16th)

Rant time. And a 15 certificate rated one at that.

When Robinho confessed that he 'didn't know the Espanyol match was on Saturday' as an excuse for his late arrival from Brazil, "what bollocks!" was the instant reply. But the Real Madrid striker may have been telling the truth, considering the farcical goings-on, this Thursday - a day that saw Spanish football and its sporting journalism at its very worst.

Due to the ongoing 'f*ck the fans' tv war, Real Madrid requested that their Saturday 22.00 free to air match against Deportivo be moved to Sunday at 17.00 - the dead zone.

Their request was granted by the league. Real Madrid claimed in a statement that they had no choice in the matter, due to legal and economic pressure from AVS - the company who own their tv rights.

For once, the club have to be given the benefit of the doubt, as they have nothing to gain from the move. Madrid have missed out on a match being broadcast to both domestic and international audiences, their fans are pissed as hell and the squad have one less day to prepare for the visit to Sevilla on Wednesday.

The reason AVS reportedly forced the change was that they did not want their prized footballing possession being televised live by Mediapro, a key shareholder of La Sexta - the channel due to broadcast the 'general interest' Real Madrid game. 'Screw everyone else' thought AVS, including...

Deportivo - who must now pay 36,000 euros to change their travel plans. A large sum for a club that cannot afford to even rent a pot to piss in.

Fans - both of Deportivo, Real Madrid and tourist types who may have made plans to catch the Saturday night game, in the Spanish capital.

TV Audiences - who must now sit through Athletic v Betis on Saturday night. Seeing how much tortilla you can shove up your nose without choking, will be more pleasurable.

Real Betis - who had to cancel a training session and head north on being told that their match was now being moved from Sunday to Saturday.

Marca, who are part of the Mediapro camp, have quite rightly condemned the schedule move claiming that "no one is thinking of the fans."

However, those weasel-faced scumbags at AS - part of the AVS group have said absolutely nothing about the change, apart from publishing Real Madrid's statement. A low point in the paper's life. And there has been a lot of them.

For those still reading. Home win.

Levante (20th) v Atletico Madrid (6th)

A disappointing night in Moscow seems to be the feeling from the Atletico camp, after their 3-3 draw against Lokomotiv. It was a match that went 'off the rails' for the rojiblancos when they 'ran out of steam' by giving up a second half lead.

The most entertaining sports writer in Spain, Iñaki Diáz-Guerra from AS points the finger of blame at the back four claiming that the club has spent millions on the best attack in Europe but has "a defence that resembles the New York Nationals - the team who spent years being humiliated by the Harlem Globetrotters."

It will still be good enough to hold off Abel Resino-less Levante. Away win.

Zaragoza (10th) v Villarreal (2nd)

In a week when second division franchise club Granada 74 announced that they were to star in a reality tv show about the side, Zaragoza have been one step ahead in airing their dirty laundry in public.

The past few days has been all about Andrés d'Alessandro and his various rants and training ground explusions.

The argumentative Argentinean returned to training on Thursday claiming he regretted his various outbursts concerning favouritism in the Zaragoza camp. Before going to say that "I still think the same thing." Good work. Home win.

Osasuna (14th) v Valladolid (19th)

Note to Valencia supporters. Valladolid fans have backed their struggling players, this week, by displaying banners of support during midweek practice sessions. Not that this is going to help them one jot on Sunday. Home win.

Racing Santander (8th) v Getafe (18th)

Months of rubbish performances in the Premier League and just one win wasn't enough to get Martin Jol kicked out of White Hart Lane. But apparently a defeat to a second string Getafe was. Fair enough. Home win.

Murcia (12th) v Recreativo (15th)

Recreativo have not scored a single goal in their last three matches. Which is all La Liga Loca's got on this one.

Barcelona (4th) v Almería (9th)

Hopefully, visiting Almería won't offend poor Leo Messi's sporting sensibilities by going to the Camp Nou and attempting dastardly tactics such as 'defending properly' and playing 'counter attack' football, like Rangers did.

Instead, they should perhaps perform the footballing equivalent of walking out on the pitch and simply bending over for ninety minutes*. Home win.

*La Liga Loca has very much woken up on the wrong side of the bed today.

Sevilla (11th) v Valencia (3rd)

By the time this blog is read by some, it could be hopelessly out of date. Again. At time of writing, it appears that this may be Juande Ramos' last match in charge of Sevilla, as he is set to give the big finger to José Maria del Nido and pack his backs for Spurs. And this can only be a very bad thing for Sevilla. And maybe Tottenham? Draw.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca 2007

Reasons to be Worried in La Romareda?

2007-10-24T12:47:00.000+02:00

For a team that was expected to be duking it out for a Champions League place, this season, the start of the year has not exactly gone to plan for poor old Real Zaragoza - one of the more enjoyable sides in the league to watch.

Stuck behind the likes of Almería in the table, out of the UEFA Cup, fisticuffs on the training ground, moans in the media and thrashed by Atletico Madrid, it has all gone a little bit Pete Tong for Milito's men.

But it is hard to put your finger on why.

Gabi Milito was lost to Barcelona, but replaced by Roberto Ayala - the canniest / dirtiest defender on the planet. The side has the luxury of possessing few international players and the UEFA Cup exit sees their season's workload considerably reduced.

However, there are definite problems on the pitch.

At the Calderón, on Sunday, Diego Milito and the excellent Ricardo Oliveira barely got a sniff of the ball. Pablo Aimar's continuing attempts to beat the entire Atletico Madrid defence on his own came to nothing.

And Víctor Fernández decided to start the game with the two ex-rojiblancos, Peter Luccin and Gabi - a couple of footballers that La Liga Loca, has never seen the point of - especially the former.

Sitting the bench was the in-form Sergio Garcia and Andrés d'Alessandro - a player having one or two 'issues' at the moment.

Last week, the midfielder stormed out of training, having had a blazing row with the apparently blameless Pablo Aimar.

On Sunday, when he came onto the pitch as a late sub, Andrés spent much of his time waving his arms around on the wing, making desperate appeals to his team mates to give him the ball - something they declined to do on a number of occasions.

Yesterday, d'Alessandro's obvious frustrations came to a head when he was kicked out of training by his manager, after he complained that a tweaked Pablo Aimar (spot the theme?) had been let off much of the session.

"When will we see the day when we all train together?!" yelled the string haired one at Fernández. "You should just worry about yourself" replied the coach, ordering his player to the showers, soon after.

This weekend's home match against Villarreal could be the one to turn Zaragoza's frown upside down. Or launch them into full on Spanish crisis mode.

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A rather cheeky Marca has Robinho promising us a party at the Bernabeu on Wednesday night against Olympiakos - a side that has only won one Champions League match away in its history.

La Liga Loca is making the trip to the Bernabeu, but rather than experiencing an evening of strippers and vodka jellies, it is looking forward to a dull as hell 2-0 win (Van Nistelrooy, Raul). With the first boos from the home at the 32nd minute mark.

Nevertheless, it hopes to be proved wrong by a dazzling display that makes Arsenal's Tuesday night blitz look positively conservative.

Barcelona's players are not happy at all with Rangers' approach to the Champions League match on Tuesday night. "It is hard to play against a side who don't want to win," moaned Messi. It is also hard for Barcelona to play against sides who do want to win - such as Villarreal.

Valencia are off the frozen tundra of Norway to take on Rosenborg - a match Fernando Morientes, for one, is not looking forward to.

"It's too cold," he grumbled. However, Quique has a cunning plan on how the side will ensure all three points against their opponents. "We will be going out with a knife between our teeth" revealed the Valencia manager, as the UEFA representative raised his eyebrows in alarm.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

More Empty Rhetoric from the Big Two

2007-10-23T11:51:00.000+02:00

In theory, what a footballer gets up to in his private life is between himself, his employer and nobody else.

If Ronaldinho wants to get battered with strippers, then that is his prerogative as, Bobby Brown once pointed out.

If Robinho wants to return to his club later than expected without informing them of delays due to "air traffic" problems, then that's fine, too.

Except it isn't.

And the reason it isn't, is that both of their clubs have spent the past few months issuing immensely pompous public statements concerning club discipline, code of conducts and how their players will be shining examples to their great names, both on and off the pitch.

Over the summer, Barcelona president, Joan Laporta, declared that there would be no more dressing room indiscipline and 'gym sessions' for d'inho and co. There was to be a new sheriff in town.

Just a few weeks ago, Real Madrid president, Ramon Calderon, was filmed handing out code of conduct books to his bemused players.

And this is exactly why how they deal with players when infractions occur is very much in the domain of public debate. It is a classic 'living by the sword, dying by the sword' scenario.

Oleguer Presas escaped any kind of sanction for going rally driving and boasting that he did not even bother seeking permission to take up a pursuit that appears to involve driving into ditches, a lot of the time.

Ronaldinho has been punished for making himself unplayable for the Villarreal defeat by being selected to take to the field against Rangers. And it is the same situation for Robinho who will be taking on Olympiakos, on Wednesday.

To return to the first point, it is entirely up to Barcelona and Real Madrid as to how they choose to handle their players when they stray off the path.

But only if they desist from publishing more empty threats concerning what will happen when this occurs.

As it turns out, the threats are flimsier than an excuse from Robinho.

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Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round Eight

2007-10-22T16:19:00.000+02:00

Good Day

Villarreal

The Yellow Submarine flew into Barcelona in the opening minutes of Saturday's match and had knocked off two goals before Barcelona had time to react. Curiously, two of their three goals came from penalties, an oddity which prompted conspiracy loving AS speculate on whether Joan Laporta and Spain footie supremo Villar were going through a divorce.

Sport were putting the blame firmly on Oleguer Presas and a general slackness from the side, but that is perhaps unfair on a Villarreal team who were simply better on the night.

Bojan

A nicely taken effort from a corker of a pass from Messi makes Bojan the youngest ever scorer for Barcelona and the third youngest in the Spanish league.

Espanyol

In what can best described as a thesis, here is the latest from a very excited Paul from Barcelona.

1) Man of the match for me was the only player who is named after a Kinks song. David Watts. Lola was magnificent, he controls,passes and moves. That's all I ask for. Big mentions to Luis Garcia and Riera who caused Madrid untold problems.

2) Madrid were poor. The two centre backs looked vulnerable. In midfield they were out muscled by Moises and upfront looked slow. Ok they are missing a couple of players but they seemed to lack the fight after the second goal. All is not well

3) The Ref and the one at Villarreal. They might not be the best but at least they had some balls this weekend. Booking Ruud for diving and then the other bloke giving two penalties against Barça in the same match (2 in a season is unusual) says a lot. Ok even i will admit the first one wasn't a penalty but how do you say "What goes around comes around" in Catalan? And lets be honest they were outplayed by an excellent Yellow Submarine. Expect referee effigies to be burned in the streets this week.

4) Supporters-When i first went to an Espanyol-Real Madrid game, 12 years ago paul watchers, the crowd was 60% Madrid supporters, last night less than 25% and watching Bojan salute the traveling support after his "Goal of The Century" copyright Sport. It was nice to see the away fan wave back. What does this say about the state of the two superclubs ?

Paul, Barcelona

Joaquin

In the form of his life for Valencia, at the moment. He won and scored the penalty for the first goal in the 4-2 defeat of Deportivo and hurled in a fantastic cross for Morientes' first and Valencia's third.

No doubt the barking mad Valencia home support will be booing Quique and co next time they are in the Mestalla, considering the side's dreadful position of being a whopping one point off the top of the table.

The one note of caution for Valencia is their very leaky defence which has now conceded eleven goals - more than Real Betis, which is always a worrying statistic.

Luis Fabiano

After four league defeats, finally some good news for Sevilla. With Freddie Kanouté rested, it was up to the most hit and miss player in the league to deliver the goods - and Luis Fabiano did not fail when he popped up with a couple of goals. Granted, it was against Levante, but Juande Ramos and the boys will care little.

Almería

Still plugging away in ninth place and with over a quarter of the points that they need for survival in the bag. However, controversy surrounds an incident in their 2-0 win over Osasuna that La Liga Loca has not managed to see. With the scores at 0-0, Elia in the opposition goal was sent off after a bit of a to-do with home striker, Negredo.

Interestingly - or not - the referee spotted nothing wrong in the challenge but the linesman flagged him over. Soon after, the Osasuna stopper was off and a penalty awarded. If anyone can confirm if any fishy business went on, just send through a comment.

Ruben de la Red

Perhaps the most intriguing part of a desperately dull first half at the Coliseum on Sunday, was a tit bit from a local hack regarding former Real Madrid midfielder, Ruben de la Red. According to John Jenson, Michael Laudrup's number two, de la Red had played so few games for Getafe, this season, as he was simply too good for the rest of the side and needed to 'lower' his expectations of what his team mates could achieve when making passes, etc.

But with Getafe running on empty at half time and 0-0 against Murcia, de la Red was brought on and made an impact a few minutes later with a delightful cross that another sub, Kepa, slotted home.

"This is a new sensation for me," joked Laudrup in the press room afterwards as he discussed his club's first league win of the season.

Atletico Madrid

It was perhaps one of the best displays from Atletico Madrid that La Liga Loca has seen for some time, on Sunday night. Fast, furious, precise passing and lethal finishing. And the odd punt at the strip bar advertising scoreboard from Maniche, of course. As Javier Aguirre commented after the match, it is still far too early to know if the win and the performance are significant or if Atletico will simply roll over at Levante, next weekend.

TV viewers

The increasingly bizzare tv wars continue with Telecinco popping up to show the Villarreal v Barcelona match. For readers in the UK, that is a little like Channel 4 suddenly deciding to show the Merseyside derby, on a whim.

Bad Day

Real Madrid, Barcelona

In a repetition of last year's campaign, the two sides are mirroring each others results. And yet again, it is Barcelona who missed the opportunity to take advantage of their title rival's all round slackness, on Saturday night.

Robinho, Ronaldinho

Neither player could be described as flavour of the month with their managers. So neither player could afford to have taken the decision to stay on in Brazil, party hard and arrive back in Spain, too late to play at the weekend.

For Robinho especially, this was not a smart move. With his arrival at training earlier in the year, still tanked up from the night before, the Brazilian has little credit left in his Real Madrid account. His revelation, on Sunday, that he has picked up a knee injury probably hasn't helped. Who'd have thought lap dances could be so dangerous?

Valladolid, Levante

With one win between them, it looks like two of this year's relegation spots already have owners. But what about the third? Come on down, Real Betis!

Deportivo

La Liga Loca predicted a rough old season for Deportivo, this time around. And that's what they are suffering at the moment. With just one win in five, three points from the drop zone and a visit to the Bernabeu to come on Saturday, the immediate future is very bleak for Depor.

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Anyone missed? Just click on comments....

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

The Great Weekend Preview

2007-10-19T11:39:00.000+02:00

"Hooray ! The league is back!" cried La Liga Loca, on Friday morning as it tripped over the empty champagne bottles and peered out of its penthouse window.

But not everyone is feeling as enthused with the prospect of proper football, again. Marca doesn't like the world's game, anymore. Marca has watched rugby.

"There's such nobility, courage and energy," sighed its love struck editorial, on Friday. "At any moment, I expected someone to break their neck or leg," gasped Bertín Osborne on England's crushing of France. "But they got up...and ran! In football, one little tap and they are dead for three minutes."

Nevertheless, La Liga Loca still cares even if Marca has betrayed the cause - although they did find the energy to publish a fascinating story about a new table in Real Madrid's boardroom. A great insight into the current state of Spanish football journalism.

Round eight of the Primera kicks off on Saturday, although times have yet to be agreed upon by AVS, as they refused to turn up for the scheduling meeting, last week.

Abel Resino-less Levante host Sevilla. More revelations turned up, this week, of bottom of the table Levante's current prickly pecuniary predicament.

Former boss, Resino, confessed that he had only been paid three times, this year. On top of that, he claims that he is still owed money from 2006. And his pay off. "An owner can't keep putting money into the club or he'll be ruined," warned Abel.

Sevilla are looking to sort their season out with an away win, although Juande Ramos thinks he may have found one of the causes of the team's current slump - the constant tributes to Antonio Puerta.

Harsh as it sounds, Ramos wants to stop the flower laying and silences before their games as it is affecting his players - "a footballer can lose concentration in a minute's silence." A footballer can lose concentration staring at sparkly sweet wrappers floating in the wind. Especially Maniche.

Villarreal take on a Barcelona side who may be giving a debut to 12 year old wonderhorse, Bojan Krkic - providing the youngster finishes his homework and is in bed by eleven, of course, as per the club's new take it or leave it, rally driving-excluded code of conduct.

La Liga Loca's current least favourite team, Deportivo, will be fielding their 4-6-0 formation against Valencia, who have been forced to bat away rumours that David Villa will be off to Real Madrid in the summer, if the men from Mestalla end up with another trophy-less season.

At 10.00 on Saturday night, a side packed with hungry young talent and loaded with international superstars will be taking on Real Madrid - a Real Madrid without Arjen "I want to show that I am not made of crystal" Robben, who is now out for five weeks.

The Dutchman joins the tiny-headed Pepe on the sidelines - another fantastic investment by Calderón and co, over the summer.

On Sunday, Almería host Osasuna.

Valladolid take on an Athletic Bilbao, really needing a win. And the club have found a way to get it. Athletic Bilbao have discovered vitamins.

"When you ask the players if they eat fruit, they say they don't like to," claimed their nutritionist, as he waved a mango in Fernando Llorente's direction.

Real Betis play Racing Santander, a club that is about to lose the highly rated Ezequiel Garay to Real Madrid, or a Manchester United side that was sniffing around him, last season.

Despite Getafe's Mario Cotelo claiming that "there are no finals in October," his side have a final against Murcia, on Sunday. A win and all is well, says club president, Angel Torres.

A defeat and a third string team will be sent to London to take on Spurs in the UEFA Cup - and not because Paul Robinson plays for them. "I'm saving the players for the league," confessed the bearded big man.

Recreativo play the new rock and roll version of Mallorca and the round is wrapped up by a Sunday night match up between Atletico Madrid and Zaragoza.

Where to start on this one? Sergio Aguero following up his one minute of action on a recent Argentina trip to Australia, with seventeen minutes in two games in South America? Or José Antonio Reyes naming his new baby, José Antonio Reyes?

Or Zaragoza hobbits, Pablo Aimar and D'Alessandro getting into a very latin training ground scrap? - all pushing and slurs about each other's mother.

"You're a f**kwit" shouted D'Alessandro to his colleague, "I'm going to kill you!" And all over a game of Scrabble. Perhaps.

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All blog content copy right of La Liga Loca, 2007.

Marca Leave Way Open for More AS Licking

2007-10-17T11:35:00.001+02:00

After months of sleeping in separate bedrooms and passing meaningless pleasantries as they pass on the stairs, it seems that both Villarreal and Juan Roman Riquelme have come to the same conclusion. It's all over.

It's time to divide the Snow Patrol cd collection, have one last spin through the photo album together and part company.

Riquelme's stunning free kick cameo in Argentina's 2-0 win over Chile has made his current role as the Yellow Submarine handy man untenable.

"It's time that Riquelme finishes with Villarreal" said club director José Manuel Llaneza. "But where else am I going to find someone who will pay be squillions to do sod all?" Riquelme failed to reply.

Current contenders to claim that honour are Manchester City and AC Milan, who have reportedly tabled a five million Euro bid.

Up in Castle GreySkull, Ramón Calderón woke up on Monday morning and realised that he had not done anything outstandingly dumb since opening his eyes twenty seconds previously.

So he decided to issue a complaint to the Spanish FA concerning the treatment of club mascot, Raúl, with the demand that it should organise a special tribute to the probably very embarrassed by the whole business Real Madrid number seven.

In response the FEF have rolled over like nat-nipped kittens to grant Calderón his preposterous wish. But no one seems sure what form this tribute will take. A fifty foot high statue of someone standing around not scoring? A giant 'I (heart) Raul' painted in the sky? Send your ideas for a suitable tribute to the Real Madrid captain to La Liga Loca.

Calderón then decided to claim credit for Spain's 3-1 victory over Denmark by saying it was all down to Real Madrid. "The stars of Spain were ours - Ramos and Iker" boasted the pumped up president, in an opinion that both pericos and culés might come together and contest. Or not.

Rather than harassing the already befuddled suits who run Spanish football, Calderón may want to consider how to patch up the ever worsening relations with Marca. For those with short memories or better things to do in their lives, here's a quick recap.

The feud began when the Madrid based paper ran a story concerning the very alleged corruption-themed activities of the Real Madrid president's sons.

Calderón responded by boycotting the paper's annual award ceremony and instructed every one else at the club to do the same. Marca retaliated by reporting that the club had been in secret talks with David Villa - something Real Madrid were forced to deny on their website.

On Wednesday morning, Marca decided to poke Real Madrid's rear again by publishing an interview with Villa concerning the interest from the Galacticos.

"It raised my spirits" said the striker, cheerfully. The Valencia hotshot then sent out a rather blatant 'come and can get me' to a club who would reportedly triple his current salary.

"Valencia know what I want and I know what they want" said Villa over ongoing contract talks between his agent and Juan Bautista Soler, the Mestalla president.

Marca comment that Real Madrid are following the well trodden path for signing big players. One - contact the player secretly. Two - let the papers find out. Three - deny everything. Four - watch the player's current club go mental. Five - ramp up the pressure. Six - sign them.

In a stroppy editorial, the paper has attacked Calderón for using Real Madrid's communication outlets for his own political means and have pointed out that he has failed to respond to claims from AS that Frank Lampard is being lined up for a January move.

Meanwhile, as one poster predicted, AS have stepped into the kiss-arse vacuum by breathlessly covering club plans to pour billions into their Valdebebas training facilities. These plans include the construction of residences for the academy players, hotels and a Disney themed crazy golf course, especially for the use of Guti.

Over in Laporta-Land, Barcelona's 'Tkiki' has displayed more cheek that Maniche in a thong, by asking both Samuel Eto'o and Yaya Touré to miss out on the African Nations Cup tournament and stay with Barcelona.

"Bugger off" was the reply from both, with Yaya pointing out that he warned the club about his international commitments when he signed for them, in the summer.

Citizen Oleguer has spoken out about his stint a few weeks back as a co-pilot in the Rally of Catalunya, an activity that probably broke the unbreakable Barcelona code of conduct. "The club would have given me permission...had I asked for it" declared the defensive legend.

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Much Ado About Nothing for Spain

2007-10-15T11:52:00.000+02:00

The arms of King Laporta of Catalunya's throne must have been squeezed to breaking point on Saturday night. His request that his Barcelona players rest themselves were clearly being disobeyed.

The little legs of Xavi and Iniesta were whizzing around like little whizzy things to inspire Spain's 3-1 victory over Denmark - a victory that should see Luis Aragones scowling from the bench in his second international tournament, next summer.

Childish taunting from La Liga Loca aside, Laporta has been making valid points over the past few weeks concerning international players being returned broken, battered and bent to their salary paying clubs.

His calls for an insurance scheme to cover serious injuries picked up on international duty, as suffered by the likes of Michael Owen and Maxi Rodriguez, have been repeated by many figures in the game.

But, as Samuel Eto'o pointed out last week, it could be an impractical scheme for many countries - "I don't think my federation could pay this."

Where Laporta overstepped the mark for many in Spain, last week, was his comments that Barcelona players should take it easy during their international commitments. A request that some of his own footballers disagreed with.

"Every player should give everything they have. More so in international matches because of the prestige of playing for your country" argued Victor Valdes, a man who is perhaps not best qualified on this particular subject.

"Laporta doesn't know what it is to play in the shirt of your country" argued Real Madrid and Argentina's Gabriel Heinze, unaware that the Barcelona president almost certainly sleeps in pyjamas woven from the flag of Catalunya.

Spain's victory over Denmark has not reduced the pressure on Luis Aragones, who, despite being a bumbling fool, La Liga Loca does feel a tiny bit sorry for. In the same way you would feel sorry for a stray dog having stones thrown at it by local urchins - probably still some kind of festival in parts of Andalusia.

Marca's Roberto Palomer has called for the coach to step down after Wednesday's friendly with Finland - "there is no better time for him to retire."

Last week, the Spanish coach, tired of the endless Rául questions from the Madrid press, continued his media blackout and only did an interview for the FA's web page. "I have to be more serene than ever" argued Snowflake.

That serenity did last long when Aragones snapped and responded to the taunting of a tv station about the absence of Rául by spitting "How many World Cups has Raul played in? Three. And European Championships? Two. And many World Cups has be won? None."

In the end, Aragones was vindicated in his choice. As a rather excellent headline in Mundo Deportivo put it "La Noche de Raúl...Tamudo".

Meanwhile, back in La Liga, it has been as dull as being forced to watch Alatriste, twice.

Levante's financial problems have left some of its players unpaid - a situation that can never go well in the football world, but especially at this bottom dwelling club.

Sevilla president José del Nido has dismissed claims that his players have stopped drinking a 'special formula' containing secret ingredients, which is given to them by the medical staff, since the death of Antonio Puerta.

"It only contains natural products and vitamins" said del Nido.

El Pais are reporting that Atletico Madrid's plans to move into La Peineta have run into problems. Apparently the club are going to have to pay 160 million euros up front for the rebuilding work required at the rather battered athletics venue.

The paper reports that this may be a bit of an issue with the club whose debt ranges between 130 and 450 million euros - depending on who you believe - and who made a loss of 103 million euros over the last two seasons.

Rather worrying reports from Togo suggest that Freddie Kanouté needed stitches after being attacked by local fans after Mali's 2-0 win over their rivals, which saw them qualify for the African Nations Cup.

It is a result which also stuffs Sevilla royally, as they look set to be without Kanouté, Koné and Keita for a good six weeks, next year.

Marca, who are still in a spikey mood with Real Madrid, have reported the fascinating news that Rául is the most famous Spaniard in China.

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For the latest hot news on how Chris Coleman is faring in Real Sociedad. Just click here for full satisfaction.

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Money, Managers and Middlemen

2007-10-11T12:37:00.000+02:00

Three big questions to be answered today. How much are you paying for your Radiohead download? How 'Kevin 'it's soooo unfair' the Teenager' are the Spanish going to go if Lewis Hamilton wins the Formula One championship. And who do you go to if you are short of a bob or two in Seville?

Don't go to Jesus Navas for starters. Not only because he'll probably run off and quite rightly have you beaten up. But also, because his agent, Jaime Rodríguez de Moya, claims that the midfielder is still being paid the same money as when he was in the youth team.

"Jesus is one of the worst paid players in the squad at the moment" grumbled Jaime, who is concerned that Navas' agoraphobic tendencies may have been taken advantage of evil uncle del Nido and co.

"His performance on the pitch has been ten out of ten" argued the agent as he eyed the special DVD box set of flamenco classics that his contract cut would buy.

Sevilla have responded by offering to double Navas' pocket money if he washes the squad's cars on Sunday morning.

The club has also taken advantage of the international break to do some naval gazing on their underwhelming start to the season.

"We have lowered our levels of aggressiveness a bit...perhaps we consider ourselves to be a better team than we are" mused Juande Ramos.

"If people expect Sevilla to keep doing what we have been doing over the past two years, then they're wrong" argued Enzo Maresca.

Barcelona are looking a little rattled with the news that former number two, Ten Cate, may well be reuniting with Frank Rijkaard in the summer - at Chelsea. And it seems that they may well cheer themselves up after his loss with the purchase of Cesc Fabregas. That's right - those stories are back again.

Joan Laporta has been on a familiar riff again by expressing his desire to create "the Catalan Republic of Barcelona" - with himself, wearing a nice shiny crown no doubt.

He later went onto to boast that the club had 100 million fans who could all sing the club's hymn "which is in Catalan!" he said excitably.

Levante have started training with their new Italian manager - Gianni De Biasi - and his fifty seven strong backroom team. The former Torino boss boasted that "Leicester have players of quality who can get us out of this situation" before a minion pointed out that he had not signed for the East Midland strugglers.

"I'm where!" he was heard to gasp before running our of the press room screaming "why God, why!"

Down in the Segunda, Celta Vigo have finally realised that having Hristo Stoichkov as boss was a pointless as trying to understand the cd filing system of FNAC. The Bulgarian was appointed in April with the aim of keeping Celta in the Primera. He failed on that task and then managed to lead the club to an unimpressive 11th in the second division.

Stoichkov maintained that the decision to leave was his and was for personal reasons - "my family is not with me and its hard to go home and just have four walls there."

He has been replaced by former temporary Real Madrid, Racing Santander and Levante coach Juan Ramón López Caro - a man that La Liga Loca still feels was treated appallingly by the Bernabeu bosses.

José Antonio Reyes has claimed that his potty-mouthed tirade, on Sunday, was not aimed at Javier Aguirre as everyone and their dog knows, but at himself. "If you read my lips I think you'll find that I did not say 'I sh*t on your mother f*cking ar*e' but instead, 'I sh*t on my mother f*cking ar*e." Glad that's cleared up.

Real Madrid have unveiled, to great fanfare, a set of new exercise bikes. "Ronaldo broke all the other ones" admitted an unnamed member of the fitness team.

And Fabio Cannavaro has reacted to a question on the club's links with David Villa, by yelling "How much!!" when being told that a figure of 150 million euros was being touted.

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All blog content is copyright of La Liga Loca 2007

Planes, Trains and Strains

2007-10-09T12:28:00.000+02:00

That slap, slap, slappy sound you may have heard on Tuesday morning was that of bad boy José Antonio Reyes going over Enrique Cerezo's knee and having his naughty botty spanked.

Now that's an image to keep you going through the day.

The cause of this castigation was Reyes' whine-o-meter hitting 9.5 on Sunday evening, when he was subbed from Atletico's 3-0 defeat to Barcelona. The midfielder, who has yet to complete a whole game for the rojiblancos this season, was apparently upset at the decision to send him the bench and made an angry gesture in Javier Aguirre's direction, reportedly saying some very, very bad things.

Luckily, Reyes' accent is impenetrable to many, so no one can be exactly sure of what he may have uttered.

Atletico have denied that anything untoward happened and claimed that the winger was upset by a tackle from Deco. Although that was swiftly contradicted by centre back, Fabiano Eller, who admitted that his actions "could have been a lack of respect to the others who were on the bench. And perhaps if he stopped mincing about and scored, he wouldn't get dropped, so often" the Brazilian failed to add.

Atletico Madrid proved once again that Spanish football clubs have absolutely no sense of humour - accept when it comes to appointing managers or playing Riki - by managing to get two directors working for the Madrid Metro sacked.

An advertisement was broadcast by the organisation, recently, depicting a desperate, arm waving, stinky looking Atletico Madrid fan trying to get to a game by car but getting stuck in traffic and thus missing the kick off of their latest defeat.

In contrast, a smug as hell, king of the pijos Real Madrid supporter was pictured on an unusually empty looking metro car before strolling happily into the stadium with plenty of time to spare to see the latest dull as hell, half-arsed victory from his club.

Of course this was a dreadful slur and an inaccurate portrayal. Everyone knows that Atletico fans cannot afford cars and Real Madrid supporters turn up for their games in Landrovers.

An indignant Atletico Madrid contacted local community chief and witch queen Esperanza Aguirre to complain - and having nothing better to do aside from dealing with illegal pollution levels, muggings, rape, theft, corruption and constant frickin' power cuts - she was happy to take time out to plead the rojiblanco case to get the ad pulled. And get the poor Metro saps fired.

Speaking of a smug Real Madrid, last week, the club unveiled their La Saeta super jet that would be ferrying the club's players, hangers on and 65,0000 euro paying guests to away matches this season.

Very nice, everyone thought. Until ABC revealed that the plane was around twenty five years old, had spent the last 8 of them rusting in the desert and was so decrepid that it is banned from Germany, the Low Countries and Switzerland because of its insanely loud noise levels.

Luckily there are no Dennis Bergkamp types with Mr T tendencies at the club. Yet.

There is a myth in Spain that Marca and AS spend 100% of the time scurrying behind Real Madrid's path, spreading petals and forlock tugging. This is wrong. It is about 95%. For the remaining 5% though, the two papers often take it turns to give the club a bit of poke.

And this week, it is Marca's turn. On Monday the paper published a story, that Ramón Calderón's sons may have been up to some real estate jiggery pokery. Incidentally, throw a tennis ball into a small crowd in Spain and it will hit someone up to no good in this industry.

Calderón took offence to Marca daring to report this and ordered all the club's officials and management to boycott their awards shindig on Monday night, that appeared to be populated entirely by 55 year old men in suits.

And this has upset Real Madrid's hefty contingent of 55 year old men in suits who missed out on a sensational night of free booze and ham.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round Seven

2007-10-08T13:43:00.000+02:00

La Liga Loca needs you. Due to a hefty dose of man flu and the farcical fixture situation, the blog did not see too much this weekend.

But you all did! Click on comments, or write in to laligaloca@yahoo.co.uk for your musings. After all, there's another two weeks without proper footie, so plenty of time to kill.

Good Day

Real Madrid

La Liga Loca did manage to drag it's broken, weakened body to the Bernabeu, where it blinked at the hot burny shiny thing in the sky - only normally seen at Racing and Murcia games, on a Sunday.

And La Liga Loca is now bored of it's 'Bernd Schuster is the new Capello, blah, blah' argument. This week, it's 'Real Madrid are a confident, lean mean scoring machine.'

Barely moved out of second gear on Sunday, especially in the first half - which they did not turn up for - but still beat Recreativo 2-0. Interestingly, another fixture lost, last season.

Ruud Van Nistelrooy

He's just very, very good, isn't he?

Leo Messi

So, it was Barcelona's mighty midget that won the hyped up battle between him and Atletico's Sergio Agüero. The Argentinean now sits at the top of the Pichichi charts with six and it was no wonder that Laporta felt the need to have another moan at international fixtures and the requirement for Barcelona players to be in them.

The Atletico at home fixture is normally one that Barça struggles with, but thanks to a bit of a balls up from Abbiati in the rojiblanco goal, it was one that seemed to go quite comfortably for the Catalans.

Is the league already a two horse race?

Victor Valdés

Instead of joining in anti-Catalan conspiracy theories about his continued non-selection to the Spanish squad, Valdés has attacked those calling for his promotion ahead of either Casillas and Reina - two keepers who are, with all due respect, better than the Barcelona stopper.

"I don't understand it, as people talk about me although I have never been chosen," he said. "It is a lack of respect towards the players who have been selected.

Espanyol

5th in a row, and on a three match winning streak. One can only imagine potty mouthed Paul from Barcelona is so happy he is strolling around the city, buying Barça fans pints and praising Leo Messi to the high heavens. Let's find out.

"Went to Valencia on Saturday..fuckin' magic our maurice (Selwyn Froggat references, don't get this on the Guardian). I thought we played our best this season, still not there though.

Valdo, apart from one pass was shite but Kameni was like his first season, Brilliant.
Riera's goal was as good as anything Barça have scored but for some reason I couldn't buy a ten page supplement about it on Sunday.

Real Madrid at home next and we are in with a great shout of beating them."

Paul, Barcelona

Sergio Garcia

For ages now the striker with the very excellent facial hair has been bailing Zaragoza out when Milito and co have not been clicking. And he did so again on Sunday, with the opener against Abel Resino and Ian Harte-less Levante.

Getting booted out of the UEFA may be a good thing for Zaragoza as it already looked as if it was having a detrimental affect on their league performance. With Sevilla having lost the plot, an unpredictable Atletico and a god knows what Valencia, there may be a slot or two opening in the top four this season. And Zaragoza are definitely good enough to fill it.

Deportivo La Coruña

Didn't see that one coming. But it was good to see Riki very nearly fluffing his impossible to miss winner, by studding it into the back of the net.

Mallorca

Absolutely loving Malloca at the moment. Which is not something the blog could ever imagined itself saying, a year ago, such was the tediousness of their playing style.

Gregorio Manzano has now thrown away the concept of defending for Galactico style, out scoring the opposition tactics. For the second home match in a row, Mallorca came back from 2-0 to win 4-2. And in between that they were thrashed 3-0 by Betis.

"The beast within us has been reborn" roared Manzano on their latest Arango inspired comeback which sees them in seventh. Exactly where the omniscient La Liga Loca* predicted they would end up, in the pre season preview. *probably.

Osasuna

The rock and roll, middle finger pointing, snarling Osasuna is back in business. Their 3-2 win over Villarreal was achieved with two men less and after having been 1-0 down. And with an absolute corker from Javi Garcia as the winner.

Although, they will probably lose next week in Almería.

Bad Day

Quique Sanchéz Flores

What is it with Valencia fans? Never happy. Booing Quique at the start of the season after a defeat to Villarreal. Then ok for a while, after Valencia win a bunch of games. Then the side loses a couple against Chelsea and Espanyol and they are at it again. He should just get out of Dodge and just leave the crazies to run the asylum.

Christian Abbiati

Atletico's goalkeeping no.2's don't seem to have much luck in this fixture. Last season at the Calderon, Pichu let in six in a hilarious display. And fifteen minutes into the match at the Nou Camp encounter, Abbiati spilled a Messi cross into the path of Deco, who said thank you very much. But probably in Portugeuese.

"I apologised to everyone at half time," said the guilt ridden guardian, unaware that blunder confession time at Atletico was cancelled years ago, due to time constraints.

Abel Resino

Adios Abel. Levante's beleaguered boss finally has his managerial finger nails stamped on by club president, Julio Romero. "We hope the decision is correct." This time, it probably is.

Francisco Casquero

You will probably want to avoid running into this particular Getafe midfielder, for the next fortnight, after his side threw away a two goal lead to lose 4-2 at Mallorca that leaves second from bottom of the table. "I'm a winner and I'm going to be pissed off for the next two weeks, because it shames me to see where we are in the table."

Sevilla

Oh dear. Definitely in full on crisis mode now. Four defeats in a row. And to Deportivo of all people. "They've lost their X Factor" say Marca. They've lost their balance and style of play, says Juande Ramos. They've lost their strength and style, says Dani Alves. What do the readers of La Liga Loca say?

Raul

Another good game - and an assist for the Real Madrid captain and it's still not enough to squeeze him into Aragones' squad. That pleasure has gone to another Raul - Tamudo. And something that Bernd Schuster predicted would happen, on Sunday evening. "It seems that a player beginning with the letter 't' will be going," said the German manager.

Asier del Horno

Not a good week for the Chelsea and Valencia reject. Abused by a fan who called him a retard and accused him going out drinking on a Thursday night with Amorebieta. And now rather harshly sent off for a winger/provoked lunge on Sunday.

La Liga Loca's early season hope for Athletic's season now looks a little foolish considering they have only won one single game - and that was against Levante. "I know we're still shit," Athletic boss Joaquín Caparrós, failed to say, on Sunday.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007.

The Famous Quotes of the Week

2007-10-01T16:52:00.000+02:00

"Football is a game for men. They need to copy the referees in England where it's not a woman's game" - All hail to the godlike genius of Murcia's Pablo Garcia, still the most entertaining player in the league, by a long way.

"He cannot have ten good minutes then spend the rest of the time, not being seen" - Bernd Schuster reveals that Robinho's special footballing tactic has been rumbled.

"I didn't like the attitude of our midfield against Getafe, at times" - And so continues Bernd Schuster, who appears to have someone slipping some kind of CIA truth serum into his daily Bratwurst.

"We all suffer. His teammates and his family" - Sevilla's Vincenzo Maresca on the sleaze ball tv shows in Spain that are currently trawling through Antonio Puerta's love life.

"I spent Thursday evening watching teletext to see where we ended up in the table" - those long autumn nights must fly by in Castellón. Villarreal director general, José Manuel Llaneza confesses how he like to spend his free time.

"He has 72 hours to come back. If he doesn't, we will report him to the federation" - Lower league club, Barakaldo's official announcement on the disappearance of Welsh import Rob Davies who buggered off with nothing more than a email to say goodbye.

"To beat Real Madrid is a proletariat revolution" - Juanma Trueba in AS, having completed his social studies GCSE.

"I grew as a person, both on and off the field" - A more mature, cuddly Julio Baptista on his year at Arsenal.

"If the president is defending me, then there is something to defend" - Sevilla boss, Juande Ramos shows the relationship with Jose Marie del Nido is as healthy as ever.

"If you don't like it, then it's better to stay at home" - Deportivo midfielder, Sergio, tells the club's booing fans that they can do one.

"If you are not a big club then the referees are always right. Even when they aren't" - La Liga Loca kind of understands what Murcia manager, Luis Alcaraz is getting at. But only kind of.

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Emails...Emails...Emails...

A Question for the reader(s)

My question is about the Basque teams. I have heard a rumour that
Athletic Bilbao and Real Sociedad only play Basque players and only buy
Basque and foreign players not Spanish. Can you confirm this? If this is
true, can the same be said about their managers?

Many thanks in advance.

Barra

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca 2007

Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round Six

2007-10-01T15:15:00.000+02:00

Good Day

Sergio Ramos

The sooner Pepe or Metzelder get off their sick beds, the better, just so we can enjoy Sergio Ramos at his marauding best at right back, again. His collision with the Getafe post after the winning goal brought a great gasp from all those watching, as well as Ramos himself, no doubt. It was a collision that would probably have broken Arjen Robben into iddy biddy pieces, too.

Sergio Agüero

Goal number five for the little Argentinean, this season and his third in three games. After a year of 'settling' into both the club and the city, Agüero now seems to be flourishing. It could be due to the departure of Fernando Torres, a player he never clicked with on the pitch, or it could simply be down to doing what he's told. That's what Javier Aguirre thinks - "he now understands what his role is in the side".

Atletico's third win a row is their best run in the league for donkey's years and it should take some pressure off their Mexican manager. For a couple of weeks anyway. "The team is beginning to believe in itself" says Aguirre who is aiming for a top four place to take into the upcoming international break.

Real Betis

Against Real Madrid on Thursday night, there were signs that Betis were starting to improve - let's face it, they couldn't have been worse. And they did so on Sunday with was an unexpectedly large 3-0 victory over Mallorca, their first win of the season.

The papers were predicting mayhem at the de Lopera if Héctor Cúper did not pull a result out of his Argentinean arse. And that's exactly what he did. "We needed this win like we needed air" confessed the relieved Betis boss.

Valencia

The papers seem to be unimpressed with their performances, but Valencia are still grinding the wins out. Sunday's 0-1 smash and grab effort at Recreativo was their fifth victory in a row in the league and puts them just one point off the top. El Pais claimed dismissively that the win was "minimum effort, minimum ambition but maximum result". Sounds like a typical day at the office for La Liga Loca. Accept for the last part.

Villarreal

Not a great showing from the Yellow Submarine by all accounts and the newly crowned (by Marca, anyway) "mad midgets" of Cazorla, Rossi and Nihat failed to get on the score sheet. But Villarreal fans wouldn't give a rat's arse and will happily take the three points and their fifth win of the season.

Thierry Henry

A warm welcome to Henry and his first appearance in the hallowed pages of the 'good day' section. In previous matches the frowning Frenchman had been desperately unlucky, but his sixteenth minute opener against Levante - a snatched effort from a Messi shot - released his footballing load. Quite simply Barcelona are playing some lovely stuff at the moment, but the loss of Toure Yaya for a month, is a massive blow.

Espanyol

6th !!!! Can you believe it !!!! Paul from Barcelona can't

They say the sign of a good team is when you play badly and win. Espanyol were Brazil '70' today. They played badly so must be that brilliant.

A pretty poor match and thanks to Kameni and Depors' ineffective strike force we took 3 points, thanks to our only real threat. Tamudo took his goal, a header, well.

Depor didn't look too bad until they into the area (Cue very old jigsaw joke) then they looked hopeless. Big shout out to the three Depor fans who made the journey across Spain. I personally wouldn't cross my living room to watch them.

Bad to back wins put us in the top six but are next 2 games are Valencia and Real Madrid.so mid table looks about right.

Final point..Who are these people who go to matches and spend all match with their back to the pitch?( Levante fans ? better for them). They join in all the songs and chanting but never watch the game. We should be told.

Paul, Barcelona

Ezequiel Garay

Finally, a goal and a clean sheet from the thinking man's Fantasy Team selection and Racing Santander defender. His side have now nestled into an eleventh place spot, where they can be expected to defend it to the death with tooth picks and shovels. At least until January when they can buy a striker.

Bad Day

Ikechukwu Uche

At times, Michael Laudrup must have been wishing he had registered himself as a player, just so he could drag Uche off the pitch and have a go himself. Some criminal misses from the Nigerian striker against Real Madrid, let the visitors off the hook and left his Getafe side second from bottom and still without a win this season.

Real Madrid

To read what a particularly bad tempered and probably a little harsh Spanish Thing made of Sunday night's performance - click here.

Deportivo

The footballing equivalent of Dementors. Spend too much time in the company of Miguel Angel Lotina and his soul-sucking side, and you slowly lose the will to exist. Last week, against Getafe they were flaccid and lacklustre. Looking at reports from the Montjuic, they were a little better against Espanyol. But without a proper striker and reliant on the admittedly handy looking José Guardado, the future looks very bleak indeed for a doomed Deportivo.

Abel Resino

Barcelona are already in good enough form not to need extra help from the clowns dressed up as footballers that Levante coach, Abel Resino threw onto the pitch, on Saturday night. Before the game, he argued that Messi needed "five marking him". Nonsense as Liverpool's Arbeloa will contest. However, at least one would help.

How Resino is still in a job, is any one's guess. But he is certainly on borrowed time listening to the comments on Sunday of club president, Julio Romero - "this team needs a change, not that I am saying that Abel must go" said the bigwig unconvincingly.

Arouna Koné

Four defeats in a row now, for Sevilla. But the run only looks bad in contrast to their previous sterling form over the past couple of years. On Saturday night, Sevilla did everything but score with new Koné and Kanouté being particularly guilty of the most glaring misses. "The final result was surprising" admitted Juande Ramos, "there is no logical explanation" he continued, hurling a cricket ball in the direction of the club's most expensive signing.

The message for Sevilla fans is 'Don't panic'. Yet.

Mallorca

Officially the Primera's most unpredictable side.

TV Morons

Another classic week in the "f*ck the fans" campaign by the warring busy bodies of the Spanish media. No coverage of the Sevilla v Espanyol classic on Tuesday. La Sexta forced to bin their coverage of Real Madrid v Betis match on Thursday and incidents of the rival tv companies banning each others cameras from grounds over the weekend, so that all the footage that one channel had of the Valencia game, looked like it was filmed on a camera phone.

With La Sexta threatening to pirate signals again, this weekend, and one company head claiming that private detectives have been hired by another to follow him, this ridiculous situation looks like it may continue for a very long time.

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Anyone missed? Just click on comments to have your say

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The Yellow Submarine Resurfaces

2007-09-27T20:11:00.000+02:00

Thursday's 365 Spanish Thing Piece

Aside from a rare round of midweek league action, it was a fairly routine few days in the topsy-turvy world of the Spanish Primera.

Real Madrid's president Ramón Calderón was detained at New York's JFK airport, having been mistaken for South American narco-king Ramós Calderón. "Even if you arrive by private jet you are just another person. There are no privileges here," complained the Real Madrid top dog.

Barcelona big-wig Joan Laporta decided to grab his own headlines by declaring his desire for his homeland to be independent from the rest of the Spain.

"My dream is for Catalunya to play in the World Cup," barked the barmy Barça chief whilst posing next to a model of the Norman Foster-designed 'nou Nou Camp' - which, incidentally, resembles a birthday cake with Smarties jammed into the side.

The one oddity for those waking up on Thursday morning still basking in the footballing glory of Barcelona's Leo Messi-inspired 4-1 thrashing of Zaragoza, was to see Villarreal sitting proudly at the top of the league table for the first time in their nine years in the top flight.

For the casual observer of Spanish football, the last memory of the Yellow Submarine was of a knee-trembling, lip-quivering Román Riquelme having his penalty saved by Jens Lehmann in the 2006 Champions League semi-final.

And this bitter blow took some time to get over. The following season saw Villarreal stumbling around mid-table in a bit of a hungover haze before finally coming to their senses and putting together an eight-match winning streak to barge past Atletico Madrid and squeeze into fifth.

All the more remarkably, this sprint finish was achieved without the special play-making and penalty-bottling talents of Riquelme.

A falling-out with pretty much everyone in the club and a six month-long sulk saw the Argentinean midfielder being shipped out on loan to Boca Juniors half-way through last year's campaign.

"When you pull too much on a string, this string can break," claimed the club's director general José Manuel Llanzoza back in January, before shunting the troublesome Riquelme off to his former club.

And that's where Villarreal manager Manuel Pellegrini was hoping he would stay. But, according to club president Fernando Roig, the man who is currently the highest-paid handyman in world football turned down all offers that met the club's reported 18million Euro asking price to return to the Madrigal.

Although the Argentinean international is contracted to 2009, is in training with the side and has been given the number 16 squad number, there is more chance of Fernando Torres playing two matches in a row for Liverpool than Riquelme running - well, strolling - onto a football pitch in the bright yellow shirt of Villarreal.

It is clear that Riquelme's special talents will not be required at El Madrigal this
season - unless he knows how to change a light bulb or mend a squeaky door, perhaps.

At the beginning of the campaign, the club's Chilean coach claimed that "we have Robert Pires and Matías Fernández playing in his position and we ended up in our second-highest finish of all time" and that he was more than happy to have Riquelme seeing out his contract from the stands, if need be.

And looking at their start to the season, Pellegrini is fully justified in plotting this particular course for the Yellow Submarine.

Despite a bizarre 5-0 home stuffing by Real Madrid, Villarreal have won four of their five matches this year without conceding a goal - all the more amazing considering the presence of Pascal Cygan in the backfour.

Half of the club's eight league goals in this run have come from another Premier League reject Giuseppe Rossi, the forward unwanted by Manchester United.

The American Italian was handed the unenviable task of having to replace Diego Forlán's goals after the Uruguayan's summer departure to Atletico Madrid - and it is a task he is achieving with some aplomb.

It was Rossi who clinched the second in the side's 2-0 away win at Racing Santander on Wednesday night, the striker's fourth of the season.

Pellegrini called Villarreal's top of the table appearance 'an anecdote', especially considering that Real Madrid could overtake them on Thursday night in the final match of the round.

However, the manager of the Yellow Submarine - now in his fourth season at the club - must surely feel his team have a good chance of a return to the Champions League when looking at a squad so strong that the likes of Pires and Santiago Cazorla can be parked on the bench, as they were against Racing Santander.

The future is considerably less rosy for poor old Riquelme. The Argentinean's real desire is to return to his beloved Boca Juniors, However, the transfer fee demanded by a heel-digging Villarreal is well out of their price range.

A winter window transfer move to the Premier League will be much discussed, but it would be a disaster for a player whose rather ponderous pace would be ill-suited to the high-octane excitement - or thuggery - of England.

"He'd last seconds," winced one Argentinean football writer at the thought of Román being hacked to pieces whilst plotting his latest defence-splitting pass.

Despite a claim that "I've never caused problems in the dressing room", clubs in Spain go weak at the knees at thought of bringing in a player who has extraordinary talent, but an extraordinary reputation for sulking to go with it.

Atletico Madrid were minutes away from bringing in the midfielder on August's transfer deadline day, but manager Javier Aguirre backed away in the end considering his purchase was too much of a risk - even for them.

The world must wait another four months to see if anyone else will take a chance on Juan Román Riquelme. Villarreal certainly won't be.

Round 5 Results
Barcelona 4-1 Zaragoza
Racing Santander 0-2 Villarreal
Athletic Bilbao 0-2 Atletico Madrid
Mallorca 4-2 Valladolid
Valencia 2-1 Getafe
Deportivo 0-2 Recreativo
Murcia 0-1 Almería
Osasuna 4-1 Levante
Sevilla 2-3 Espanyol
Real Madrid v Betis (Thurs)

The Cheeky Midweek Preview

2007-09-26T11:49:00.000+02:00

To Ramós Calderón - sorry Ramón Calderón - it was an 'anecdote'. But to La Liga Loca it was comedy gold that, like a Magnum and Ronaldo, was too good to turn down.

On Tuesday, the Real Madrid president was detained for two hours at New York's JFK airport, whilst on route to see catch a Plácido Domingo concert - by personal invitation - of course.

The unfortunate incident took place when there was a discrepancy between the Real Madrid big wig's passport and boarding card, which listed him as Ramós Calderón who, depending on who you read, is either a knife-wielding, kiosk-robbing hoodlum, or a Colombian narco-trafficker wanted by the US authorities.

"There were 50 or so people in the same situation as me" claimed Ramós/Ramón of his ordeal. "If you arrive by private jet (like him and his wife) you are just another person. There are no privileges here" grumbled Calderón on having to spend time with actual, real people.

A special note must be taken of a declaration from a some what snooty Marca that the rumour that the Calderón camp called the Spanish Interior minister, Rubalcaba, to help them out was 'a lie'. Which is all fine and dandy if wasn't for the interview it ran with the detainee, on the opposite page, where he confirms that his good friend in the government was indeed called.

Meanwhile, Calderón will be returning to Madrid in time for Thursday night's match with Betis. A match that could see a start for Arjen Robben, now that he has been given the thumbs up by Marca who went tingly over his "innocent and childlike smile" in an interview. And that fact that he likes ham - which of course, was the third question put to the Dutch winger after, "how are you?" and "do you like Madrid?"

Sevilla were in action on Tuesday night - and lost their third match in a row. Despite coming back from 2-0 down, to draw 2-2, Juande Ramos' men lost out to a late Raul Tamudo effort. And that's all La Liga Loca can tell you.

And probably all that anyone else in Spain can tell you, as tv cameras were locked out of the grounds in the latest "f*ck the fans" war taking place in the country, at the moment, preventing all those who had forked out for a PPV ticket from watching it.

Those tuning into Chinese tv streamings saw a corker apparently. And a result to keep Espanyol fans happy but more importantly, their players safe after some very public threats from Valverde on what would happen if they did not pull their collective finger out at the Pizjuán.

Barcelona v Zaragoza is the big one on Wednesday night - and a clash between the brothers Milito, which could be good. "If I have to give my brother a kick, I will" promised Gabi on the encounter.

Meanwhile, Joan Laporta, continues to be excellent value as he continues his very public unravelling. This week, he has decided to taking on Spanish PM / Prez person, Zapatero, by confessing that he regretted allowing the Barça-supporting supremo to hold their Champions League trophy.

"I thought he was the defender of a pluri-national state" complained the not at all interested in politics Barcelona big cheese. He also went on to declare that his great dream was Cataluña competing in the World Cup, perhaps before being told that Iniesta is from Albacete and Puyol is rather fond of playing for Spain.

Atletico Madrid are making the trip to Athletic Bilbao where the club have written a poem to the fans asking them to stop throwing blunt objects at opposition players - "it's an own goal", it claimed. Maniche was particularly pleased to hear news of the plea, as his immobility and size makes him a bit of an easy target.

Valencia, who host Getafe, are still suffering from Monday's stories of Miguel's booze, fag, party, cash, hell in the city. "He didn't do himself any favours with this declaration, but we all know Miguel" responded Quique to his defender's confession.

Osasuna host Levante - who are celebrating being awarded the 1937 Spanish cup, after a speedy decision from the Spanish authorities who must still be celebrating the end of the Civil War.

Almería head to Murcia and Valladolid travel to Mallorca where David Navarro is set to start his first match since his six month ban.

Villarreal could go top if they beat Racing Santander - a side who will be fielding, Dani Szerteta, the first "yankee in the League of Stars" according to AS, who overlooked a certain Rossi on the opposition team sheet.

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The Returning Quotes of the Week

2007-09-25T12:27:00.000+02:00

"I don't know what sea" - Villarreal and now French midfielder, Rio Antonio Mavuba, whose passport gives "born at sea" as his place of birth. Mavuba was born on a boat when his parents were fleeing a civil war in Angola in 1984. His father, who played for Zaire, died when he was 12. His mother when he was just 2.

"The only problem was that some people thought we were invincible" - Juande Ramos on Sevilla's Champions League defeat to Arsenal. And not making any reference at all, to del Nido's pre match claims that "Sevilla are the best team in the world"

"I gave Ronaldinho my full support. I sent him an SMS" - d'inho feeling big love from Joan Laporta who took all of five seconds out of his day to type "hope u r ok. lol! :)" to his star player. Before typing "come and get him" to Abramovic, perhaps.

"I've smoked since I was 14. I smoke two or three a day" - Valencia fullback, Miguel, who also confessed that he liked a night out on a Thursday and was a good five kilos overweight. Player of the year, already for La Liga Loca.

"Lotina captures the spirit of this club perfectly. Serious and calm" - and constantly involved in relegation battles. Deportivo president, Augusto Lendoiro on his choice of manager for the new campaign.

"I can't do anymore to start games" - Andrés Iniesta in "come and get me plea" to Real Madrid, Chelsea, Arsenal, QPR...?

"It's a team with unpronounceable names and weird numbers" - Javier Aguirre's insightful assessment of current UEFA cup rivals, Erciyesspor, who started with number 64 and 99 up front, last Thursday at the Calderon.

"Let's see how the year goes" - The enthusiastic, but probably quite wise response from Bernd Schuster when asked on whether he would be seeing out the whole of his contract with Real Madrid.

"Reyes didn't succeed (at Arsenal) because he didn't want to" - Cesc Fabregas.
Should be a fun in the national team, when these two get together again.

"Are you mad? I'm not going any closer" - A vertigo suffering and traumatised Gonzalo Higuaín being asked to stand next to the edge of Madrid's tallest building, for an AS photo shoot. The paper then stuck Marcelo on a rowing boat in the middle of a stinky lake, in Madrid's Retiro park.

"I'm not a superior being and I will make mistakes" - Ramón Calderón tells us nothing, we all didn't know already.

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Monday's Good Day, Bad Day

2007-09-24T14:00:00.000+02:00

Good Day

Leo Messi

After Pablo Couñago, probably the best player in the world right now. All in all, a much better performance from Barça, who were celebrating their 50th year in the lovely Camp Nou. How much of that was due to d'inho's absence, is open to debate. The one downside, as pointed out by Frank Rijkaard, was the rather slack final ten minutes of the match from the home team.

One goal from Kerzhakov was disallowed after an apparent foul by Kanouté on Milito. And La Liga Loca sides with Juande Ramos on tv, on Sunday night, when he confessed that "I didn't see it, but the referee did." But this must be taken into account that the Championship loving, La Liga Loca feels that only a case of GBH on a defender is deserving of a penalty.

The second chance was Kanouté being put through and chipping over for his fourth of the season. Any coincidence that both of these chances occurred after Oleguer had plodded onto the pitch?

Javi Guerrero

Recreativo's lone striker came up with two cracking strikes in his team's 2-1 over poor old Espanyol. "It's not easy living with the pressure of being the only striker with people expecting you to score" ranted the new local hero. Guerrero's first effort was a delightful chip over a defender and volley. The second was a piss-taking lob over Kameni in the Espanyol goal. Recreativo making a much better fist of the season, than La Liga Loca expected.

Pablo Aimar

By all accounts - the newspapers' anyway - a cracking display from the Frodo-esque forward that pushed Zaragoza to their first win of the season. About time too, considering how tasty their team looks.

Valencia

It looks like Quique Sánchez Flores has ridden the latest storm in Mestalla. But the next one can only just be around the corner. Especially with Arizmendi out on the pitch "to miss chances that cannot be missed" according to El Pais.

The fact that a manager who had lead his team to six wins from seven matches in Spain and Europe this season, could have been under such pressure shows how odd this country can be, sometimes.

And a big thumbs down to Joaquín who felt the need to apologise to the Betis fans after his goal. "I am a Betico and I will be till I die". You play for Valencia. Stop whining.

Aritz Aduritz

10th place may not look that exciting on paper, but Athletic Bilbao fans will take that quite nicely, thank you very much. Their 2-1 away victory at Levante, was down to two goals from the ever improving, Aritz Aduriz - a Basque version of a classic English number nine.

Giuseppi Rossi

The American import from Manchester United came off the bench on Sunday to give Villarreal a late, late victory over Murcia on Sunday. A victory that lifts the mighty Yellow Submarine into second. The 0-5 defeat to Real Madrid now appears flukier than ever.

Villarreal's squad is looking very good indeed with Tomasson and a fully fit Nihat up front, the likes of Matigol and Cani kicking their heels on the bench and two international full backs in defence. Just a shame about Cygan and Guille Franco, really. The race for a Champions League spot, this season, could be very intense indeed.

Javier Aguirre

The likeable Mexican manager was very, very close to being given the boot this weekend. A handy 4-0 win over a poor Racing Santander side, still may not be enough to save his hide. The pressure Aguirre was under was clear on Sunday, with his confession that "when Perea and Pernia hugged me after the game, I nearly started crying."

Due to making the nine hour long journey back from Getafe on Sunday, La Liga Loca did not manage to catch the action, but two fans who did, reported that "Atletico were bad. But Racing were worse". That sounds harsh on Kun, who apparently had a bit of a stormer and how has three goals to his name this season. And Reyes managed to be cheered for once.

Real Madrid

Before the game, Bernd Schuster was warning an almost hysterically giddy Madrid press that this match would be a tough one. "We are getting worse in every game" was one comment to the German press. Sunday's was a scrappy but rather handy point for Real Madrid. And it showed why Javier Saviola is the world's ultimate poacher - seven minutes on the pitch, three touches and one goal - the goal coming from inspired, cool as a cucumber move from Guti and Ruud.

Bad Day

Valladolid

Sounds a little unfair to lump plucky Valladolid into this category, but the home side really did let Real off the hook, on Sunday night. "We should have more points than we have considering our play" admitted José Luis Mendilíbar. They have now dropped points against Madrid, Deportivo and Valencia, that they shouldn't have.

But looking at the positive, El Pais wrote that Valladolid were like a hurricane. "We thought they would be furious for the first five minutes" wrote AS, "then it was fifteen, then it was thirty, then a whole forty five." Unfortunately, their puff ran out at eighty six, although Llorente missed a great chance to grab a deserved winner.

Real Betis

La Liga Loca is quite looking forward to a Thursday night at the Bernabeu, when it can see for itself what Héctor Cúper has done to the Real Betis team to make them even worse than last season. "They are not living, they are surviving", reports El Pais. To be fair, they are not even doing that, stuck third from bottom of the table.
"When we work well, we will get the results" boasts Cúper. Good.

Espanyol, Osasuna

Just one win between them (Osasuna have played one less), this season. Not a good start for two teams, who may, just may have been good enough for 11th place come May.

Ronaldinho

Much more on him to come, later this week. But for the moment, it is not looking good for the gym loving Brazilian. Reportedly out partying on the Friday before last weekend's Osasuna match. Tearful neighbours calling Sport to report his late night shenanigans. And 60% of the paper's readers not believing for a second that injury forced him out of the squad for Sevilla. It is tough to know whether a cuddle or a cane should be used on the Brazilian. However, one must hope that Rijkaard is right when he says that "we can get him back."

Sevilla

On a football level, it has been a poor week for Sevilla. Wiped out by Arsenal on Wednesday and then dominated by Barcelona for much of Saturday night's game. But there is nothing fundamentally wrong with Juande Ramos' men aside from their confidence being a little rocked. And that should be fixed on Tuesday night with the visit of Espanyol to the Sánchez Pizjuán.

Getafe

Just click here for the Spanish Thing low-down on a trip to the Coliseum.

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All blog content, copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

The Great Weekend Predictions

2007-09-21T09:59:00.000+02:00

Saturday

Recreativo (18th) v Espanyol (10th)

Two teams who are fulfilling La Liga Loca's Mystic Meg-like pre season predictions. One is going down to the Segunda faster than Jesus Navas in sight of the penalty spot. And the other will hang around mid table and harass other teams, from time to time, like an aging Yorkshire Terrier with flatulence issues. But nothing more.

Draw

Barcelona (5th) v Sevilla (2nd)

Easily the tie of the round - after Levante v Athletic of course - but only if Sevilla come out and play. They certainly didn't on Wednesday night, when turned over by Arsenal. Not even the sight of the dodgiest of 'keepers, Manuel Almunia, in the opposition goal could provoke the Andalusian forward line into action. A different story for Barcelona who actually managed to score some goals. And proper ones as well - well, two of them, anyway.

Home win.

Sunday

Zaragoza (14th) v Osasuna (13th)

The third league outing of the year for Osasuna - the most carbon neutral of football clubs. So far, Osasuna's blockbusting, roller coaster ride of a season has produced, zero goals for and zero goals against, making La Liga Loca's fantasy league purchase of Javier Portillo look a little hasty. Zaragoza have also had a very dodgy start to the season. No wins in the league and a Thursday night defeat to Aris Salonica in the UEFA, pre pre pre qualifying round - a good way to fulfill Ricardo Oliveira's boast that "we have huge ambitions in the cup."

Home win.

Levante (20th) v Athletic Bilbao (14th)

La Liga Loca is predicting that Joaquín Caparros won't be on the Bilbao bench at the end of the season. Not because he will be kicked out, like so may of his predecessors, but because there is no way that his nervous system can support eight more months of football. Last Saturday against Zaragoza, Caparrós was like a man with bees down his trousers. He is three dodgy penalty decisions away from his brain exploding or his eye balls flying right out of his skull.

Draw

Villarreal (4th) v Murcia (6th)

This week, Roman Riquelme has mostly been clearing leaves from the Madrigal gutters and scaring pigeons from the training pitch.

Almeria (12th) v Mallorca (8th)

It's raining in Madrid, today.

Draw

Betis (14th) v Valencia (3rd)

The most entertaining part of Valencia's week was not Quique's less than idle threat to Asier del Horno that he should stop talking about him, "or we will have problems." No, it was large sections of the club's fans calling for the head of their manager, what with the side's perilous position in third, just three points off Real Madrid. And their rather admirable Champions League victory at the home of Schalke, to boot. But as La Liga Loca found out after it's turbulent six months on the arm of Penelope Cruz, the Spanish can be a fickle bunch, sometimes.

Away win.

Getafe (19th) v Deportivo (11th)

If Getafe fans are looking to thank the man who masterminded their 1-0 victory in the European debut, on Thursday night, then look no further than Fabio Celestini. "If we score first and finish will eleven men, than we'll win" was the prediction from the Swiss midfield maestro, on Tuesday. Interestingly, that was two things that the opposition, Twente, did not manage to do. Last season, La Liga Loca popped down to the Coliseum to watch one of the worst Deportivo displays ever. And it may be up for more of the same, on Sunday.

Atletico Madrid (14th) v Racing Santander (7th)

On Thursday, La Liga Loca took its knitting and Spotters Guide to Over Prized Midfielders book (120 points!) down to the Calderon to watch Euro Atletico in action. And for the 12 or so minutes they bothered to play, they were not too shabby. There is a strong rumbling from inside the club, this week, that anything less than a swashbuckling win on Sunday, will see Javier Aguirre shown the door, with Diego Simeone coming in. And with a sturdy Racing Santander due in town, the rumour could well become reality.

Draw.

Valladolid (9th) v Real Madrid (1st)

Jose Mourinho to the Bernabeu anyone? Not as preposterous as it sounds, especially after Bernd Schuster gave a strong indication this week, that this season will be his first and last at the club. "Let's see how the year goes", said the German manager when asked about the future. "It's not the same club as when I played here. You never get information, just opinions." A comment making the Bambi-like Bernd the clear winner of this week's "No sh*t Sherlock" award.

Away win.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007